Avoidant attachment style refers to the tendency to maintain emotional unavailability, value independence over intimacy, and to reject the importance of close relationships, often as a precaution.
Avoidant individuals have a general negative view of others (eg, untrustworthy and unsupportive) and have a mostly positive view of themselves (eg, I am confident and capable, so I don’t need anyone else).
They want to maintain independence and control in relationships and tend to suppress negative thoughts and feelings.
This attachment style usually develops due to emotional rejection and neglect in childhood, adolescence, and/or young adulthood.
For these individuals, avoidance becomes their strategy to protect themselves from suffering further pain and abandonment.
How avoidance attachment develops
To maximize their chances of survival, babies are born with an innate attachment urge. When they are afraid or depressed, their attachment system is activated, resulting in closeness-seeking behaviors toward their caregivers (eg, crying, clinging). Once proximity and security are achieved, their attachment system is deactivated.
Children who experience stable, safe, and sensitive caregiving tend to develop a secure attachment style – they expect to be safe, protected, and can explore the world with confidence.
Children whose caregivers have not responded sensitively and responsively to their needs and signs of distress often develop an insecure attachment style.
If a child’s bids for closeness, comfort, and safety are rejected and his emotional expression is punished or shamed, he may develop an avoidant attachment style.
Caregivers may have neglected and ignored their children’s needs, which may not be harmful but due to, for example, a busy schedule or mental health issues.
They may have laughed when the child was upset or told them over and over, “No need to cry.” Physical contact, such as hugging or touching, may be rare or non-existent.
This leads the child to learn that it is best to suppress the natural need for comfort and closeness because expressing feelings leads to rejection and/or punishment.
They develop a very independent and self-soothing personality, and therefore are not motivated to seek support from others.
It is important to note that genetics and temperament (innate personality) also play a role and interact with the caregiving environment to create an attachment pattern.
Furthermore, attachment styles are not necessarily stable over time, and relationships in adolescence can also greatly influence the formation of attachment styles.
For example, people who have healthy, high-quality friendships during adolescence are more likely to be securely attached in adulthood.
Signs of avoidance attachment in children
There are several signs that a child has an avoidant attachment style. Babies are very sensitive, and their development depends on their interactions with caregivers.
According to psychiatrist Dan Siegel, “[children] pick up on an intuitive feeling that their parents had no intention of getting to know them, leaving them with a deep sense of emptiness.”
They resist and avoid close contact with their caregivers to satisfy them and prevent further rejection. This behavior and sense of emptiness can make them appear withdrawn, unemotional, and independent early on.
Here are the tags in more detail:
‘Downregulation’ of their need for closeness and security, i.e. they appear to manage their distress independently and do not seek comfort from their caregivers
After separation from the caregiver, the child acts distant and tends to avoid contact with the caregiver
“False independence”, for example, playing on your own rather than with caregivers
Unemotional for example, when saying goodbye
Suppression of the need to cry/not to cry
Constant refusal of physical contact
These signs indicate that the child is more inclined towards an avoidant attachment style, but they are not sufficient to classify the child as an avoidant.
Furthermore, these signs need to be viewed in context, for example, if they see their best friend and are not sad to say goodbye, it does not necessarily mean that they are avoidant; They might just get distracted.
Avoidant Attachment Signs in adults
The main characteristic of avoidant adults is not showing (and consciously experiencing) the need for closeness, support, warmth, and affection.
Outwardly, they often come across as confident, fun-loving, sociable, and easy-going. They tend to have many acquaintances and sexual partners rather than close friends and committed relationships.
Avoidant individuals agree with the following statements:
“I am comfortable without close romantic relationships”
“It is very important for me to feel independent and self-sufficient.”
“I prefer not to depend on others or to have others depend on me.”
However, their need for independence and avoidance comes from not having certain relational needs met in childhood, adolescence, and/or youth.
They may have been abused, repeatedly disappointed, or found others unreliable and untrustworthy.
Therefore, they may not overtly or consciously experience distress and a need for comfort, but attachment insecurity is a sign of low self-worth, and they often display symptoms of poor mental health such as depression and anxiety.
personal account
Here is a personal account of someone with an avoidant attachment style:
“I’ve been known to be a dismissive avoidant for some time now and the main thing I really want to stress is that this avoidance is almost unconscious on our part unless someone brings it to our attention.
I had no idea I had been doing this for years and years and the result was that I really hurt a lot of people. In college, I began experiencing unexplained physical symptoms (stomach pains, vision changes, heart palpitations, chest pain) that were later identified as anxiety and depression after doctors ruled out literally everything else […]
I would date a guy who I really liked at first, but as the relationship went on, I would decide that they weren’t good enough because of a critical flaw and they couldn’t be “the one.” This decision always coincides with these men’s desire for more commitment.
I loved casual dating, but the second person wanted to make things official or get romantically close, I would end him abruptly, much to their surprise […]
Interestingly, I would feel very lonely and sad during my one-on-ones, but would continue the same process or back off once I started getting close to someone.
After that I became lonely and sad again. I thought my problem was that the ‘person’ wasn’t there […]”
Avoidant association stimuli
Avoidant individuals feel confused and uncomfortable when another person wants to be emotionally and physically intimate.
This is because they have learned that dependence on others and the desire to get close and seek support will be met with rejection. For them, it is easier to completely suppress these needs and stay on the superficial end of emotions and intimacy.
Thus, some relational scenarios lead to avoidance in individuals maladaptive beliefs (eg, it is better not to be close to anyone) and behaviors (eg, leaving the relationship).
For example:
Someone else wants you to open up more
Someone texts or calls you a lot
It feels like someone is asking for your attention
The partner makes plans for future commitments such as marriage, children, or summer vacation
Romantic gestures
You feel criticized
The friend or partner is emotional and wants comfort
Physical contact and intimacy when you’re not in the mood
Disable strategies
The way madly attached people deal with these types of situations is by distancing themselves from their partner or distancing themselves, physically and emotionally, from friends and family.
These are called “disruption strategies” and serve the function of maintaining a comfortable space between themselves and others.
In essence, they are strategies to protect themselves from re-experiencing the pain and disappointment they experienced early in life.
However, these behaviors are detrimental to the health and stability of relationships and can confuse and upset their partners. They also mean that avoidant individuals miss out on the benefits of intimacy and having deep connections with others.
This is why treatment for an avoidant attachment style is beneficial and rewarding.
Self-regulatory strategies for avoidant association stimuli
Although they may not be aware of it, people associated with avoidance often suffer from low self-esteem and mental health difficulties. In part, this is because they are not dealing with their problems and grief but rather repressing their feelings.
When difficult emotions are suppressed, they are left unaddressed and can be detrimental to a person’s well-being and quality of life.
Therefore, it is important that you learn to deal with the full range of emotions and become more comfortable asking for support and closeness to others.
Self-regulation strategies are ways to manage difficult emotions such as the craving to escape when others want to get close.
They are in the process of learning to sit with feelings by becoming aware of their presence, observing them, and then challenging them with compassion.
Learning to manage attachment insecurities is a process that takes time and patience, but if you are committed to it and keep working at it, it is entirely possible.
Here are some tips to get you started:
Express your needs and desires to your loved ones
In essence, individuals with avoidant attachment tend to be afraid of revealing intense feelings or coming across as a mess. Hence, having open and transparent conversations in a relationship is the cornerstone of effective emotion regulation.
Both parties should strive for clear communication to express their concerns without fear of judgment. Gradually, adults with avoidant attachment will come to understand that it is more correct to discuss their emotions than to suppress them.
Be specific and clear: Make your needs and wants known clearly and in detail to prevent misunderstandings. Use specific wording, and avoid vague or unclear phrases.
This will help your loved ones fully understand what you are asking.
Use “I” statements: When expressing your needs and wants, use “I” statements because they help avoid an accusatory or confrontational tone.
Instead of saying, “You never help with the housework,” you could say, “I feel overwhelmed when I put all the housework behind, and I would appreciate some help.”
Welcoming Feedback: While expressing your needs and wants, be receptive to feedback and be willing to engage in constructive discussions.
This encourages you and your loved ones to discover solutions that satisfy all parties involved.
Allowing yourself to trust others
Embrace openness and vulnerability: Begin to gently let your guard down, becoming more open and vulnerable with others by revealing your thoughts, emotions, and experiences.
This will help create trust, emotional bonding, and a safe environment for emotional expression. Focus on building trust with your loved ones by showing honesty, transparency, and reliability.
Building trust will create a comfort zone for you and your loved ones to express your needs and desires without hesitation.
Recognizing and expressing feelings
Because your expectations of other people and relationships are formed in your younger years, your patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving are mostly automatic and unconscious.
This means that you may not be aware of the reasons why you think, feel, and act in certain ways. Therefore, to effect change, you must first become aware of what is going on inside of you when it comes to relationships.
If you have demonstrated that you have an avoidant attachment style, pay close attention to situations that make you feel uncomfortable and trigger the need to shut down or escape.
What thoughts are running through your mind? How does your body feel? What does your mind tell you to do?
When you are aware of these situations and how they feel, it is much easier to intervene. Ask yourself: Am I pushing someone away because I’m afraid of getting close? Am I not asking for support because I’m afraid of being rejected?
Take your time and notice what’s going on in your mind and body before you react automatically. It can be helpful to write these things down in a journal to process your feelings, set goals, and track your progress.
Regulate your nervous system
When your need to avoid is triggered, it means that your nervous system and fight/flight/freeze response have been activated. When this happens, you enter a kind of trance state, and your reactions and actions are automatic.
Mindfulness and awareness of what is happening inside us (as discussed above) is easiest when you learn how to regulate your nervous system and automatic reactions.
You can do this by practicing grounding techniques, such as breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, and mindful communication with nature.
The more you practice these things, the more control you have over your mind and body. This means that you should practice grounding on a regular basis, when you are and when you don’t feel the need to avoid.
Comfort your inner child
One way to heal the wounds of the past is to mentally revisit your childhood and treat yourself with understanding and kindness.
For whatever reason, your caregivers, friends and/or partners have not been able to adequately attend to your needs and may have acted in harmful ways towards you.
Tell your child that it was not their fault; They did everything they could to survive and what they suffered was painful and undeserved.
Be compassionate with yourself and acknowledge that it’s okay to feel sad or angry about the way you may have been treated.
Once you acknowledge this, it becomes easier to let go of the fear of rejection and learn how to be intimate and ask for help. The past should not control the present and the future.
to treat
Although you can do much of this work on your own, it is often helpful to have a therapist who can help you through the process. It is also an opportunity to practice asking someone for help.
A therapist can discuss attachment theory with you and help you identify and challenge your avoidant beliefs and behaviors.
It can also be a secure (temporary) attachment figure for you and demonstrate what a relationship of trust and reliability looks like.
Behavioral experiments
Once you have established a practice of self-regulatory strategies, you can conduct some behavioral experimentation in the form of practicing safe behaviors.
The best way to change beliefs and thinking patterns is to have evidence that you can act and feel more secure.
Examples of behavioral experiments include:
Allowing yourself to receive emotional support from someone
Ask for help when you are feeling upset or stressed, for example, tell someone how you feel and ask them for advice
Talk to someone about difficult experiences you’ve been through
Listen to another person’s concerns without withdrawing or changing topics
Make a list of the things you like about another person
Keep a gratitude journal focusing on the positives of the day, make a list of your strengths, and write down when others have been kind and supportive.
