I attract and repel controlling people. My whole life, I’ve gravitated toward people who wanted to devote themselves to controlling my life. I didn’t understand why until much later. Nowadays, I’m very careful with people, especially charmers and smooth talkers. I’m slowly empathizing with charismatic leaders, and I now listen to what people say, not what I think they mean. Taking people’s words seriously saves me a lot of heartache.
For a long time, I considered myself a magnet for anyone with narcissistic traits, and in fact I was. It was only after I realized in myself that there were different issues that I began to attract healthier, truly loving people into my life. Additionally, while not all controlling and manipulative people necessarily suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, all narcissists are controlling. Trying to control others is essentially narcissism. Assumes the right to control others for his own benefit. So here are some of the holes in our psyche and behavior that cause me unhealthy and often controlling behavior in people:
1: Control people looking for naivety.
I tend to be naive. As a sincere person, I tend to believe people. We project our thoughts and feelings onto others, but with narcissists, this can trap us. This self-deception works in two ways. We minimize the bad things they say and believe all the self-aggrandizing stories without evidence. One former student I know told terrible stories about his past. Because he declared that he controlled a Christian, I thought he had changed. When he left town, and left with the wages I had given him to pay to others, I realized my mistake. The warning signs were there. I ignored them over and over again.
Learning to distinguish between safe and unsafe people is a chore. While some seem to have better radar of course, I had to work on it. Now I take the time to people watch for a while. I don’t automatically believe every bad luck story or every declaration of affection. Jesus warns us of this when he asks us to be innocent as doves and wise as serpents. Innocence means keeping our hands clean. Wisdom makes us know whose hands are dirty.
2: Controlling people seek out those who are desperate for love and acceptance.
Low self-esteem is like a house without a front door. Anyone can enter. We are just happy to have you company. Jesus loved everyone, but he had only a few close friends. Twelve disciples and three true companions made up his inner circle. The desire to be loved makes us seek love even from those who have nothing to offer. And no one can take advantage of low self-esteem like a controlling person. Offer the reward of approval or affection, and we’ll jump to please you.
The problem is that without a sense of self-worth, we become vulnerable to those who buy our loyalty for the price we offer. If we understand our worth, in God’s eyes and in our own eyes, cheap flattery is not enough. We are precious enough for the God of the universe to die for. Once we understand this, the love of imitation loses its flavour.
3: Compassionate empaths mistake cognitive empathy for true empathy.
Narcissists and controlling people are actually empaths. They just lack compassion and, sometimes, conscience. Cognitive empathy understands what another feels. Compassionate empathy wants to help. The difference is that the controlling person, who is usually driven by fear, uses that knowledge to manipulate empathy.
Those of us who feel deeply often assume that others feel too. But this is not the case. Once the user discovers that someone is willing to use them for the small price of feigning emotion, the game is on. I have many memories of the various controllers and narcissists in my life manipulating all my compassion. Now I spend my precious store of emotional energy on those who need it and can get it without trying to drain my soul.
4: Control people who search for negativity.
Controlling People I am, by nature, a bit negative. Quiet, I tend to go along with what others want. I think I tend to not want things as much. I’m sometimes overly flexible. This type of trait goes along with being a fun person, but being a Type B is more than a trait one is born with. Controlling people and narcissists look out for us because we are less likely to call them out on their stupidity. I remember teaching high school for a terrible year. The kids were misbehaving, and I had been watching them for some time until it occurred to me that I was supposed to intervene. Naturally, they took advantage of this.
Tolerance sometimes translates into not having enough boundaries. Controlling people want to be the ones who set all the boundaries, and always have it in their favor. Sometimes our natural personality traits have shadow sides. My tolerant nature means I am safe for people in pain. I can remain neutral while providing support. I do not burden them with my feelings for their tragedies. But sometimes my negativity invites manipulation and conquest. Even negative people have to learn how to fight.
5: People who depend on others are easy prey.
A codependent person is a person who tends to blame himself for everything. We tend to take responsibility for the actions of others, which makes us an ideal target for controllers and narcissists who don’t want to take any responsibility for their own actions. It is a marriage made in misery. Narcs cheerfully place all the blame for their chronic misery and poor choices on the backs of their dependent slaves. The truth is that no one has that much power.
Until I learned that each person is responsible for their own actions and happiness, I gladly bore the burden of my ex’s misery. Well, maybe not gladly. But I certainly tried to make him happy, which is a futile exercise if there is any at all.
I always hesitate to write articles like this, for fear of victim shaming. But in all honesty, each of us must take responsibility for our lives. Until I pulled myself together and dispatched all the controllers and narcissists in my life, I was guilty of feeding their endless lust for power. This is their ultimate goal. A controlling person wants to control you to make you do what he wants. Narcissists want slaves, not companions. You have to get tired of being sacrificed to their gods of pride and greed before you can escape from their temples.
