If you’ve ever searched the internet for why your relationships fail (and fail in the same way, I might add), you’ve probably come across attachment theory.
Attachment theory is a field of psychology that describes the nature of emotional attachment between humans. It begins in infancy with our attachment to our parents. The nature of that attachment, and how nurturing it is, will then influence the nature of our attachment to romantic partners later in life.
Attachment theory began in the 1950s and has since accumulated a small mountain of research. Researchers John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth found that the way children’s needs are met by their parents contributes significantly to their “attachment strategy” throughout their lives.
Your attachment style doesn’t explain everything about your relationships, but it probably explains a lot of why your close relationships work or fail the way they do, why you feel attracted to the people you feel attracted to and the nature of the relationship problems that come up again and again.
The Four Attachment Styles
According to psychologists, there are four attachment strategies that adults can adopt: secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant.
Secure Attachment Style
People with secure attachment strategies feel comfortable showing care and affection. They also feel comfortable being alone and independent, and they exhibit a healthy level of self-confidence. They can properly prioritize the relationships in their lives and tend to set clear boundaries and stick to them.
Related : Why Self-Esteem Matters and Tips to Build Yours Up
Secure attachment styles make the best romantic partners, family members, and even friends. They can accept rejection and move on despite the pain, but they are also able to be loyal and sacrifice when necessary. They have little trouble trusting those close to them who are trustworthy themselves.
Secure people form intimate relationships comfortably not only with partners but also with friends. They have no problem revealing themselves and relying on others at times when the situation calls for it. They are excellent caregivers.4
According to research, more than 50% of the population is securely attached.5
Anxious Attachment Style
Anxious people are often stressed and anxious about their relationships. They need constant reassurance and affection from their partner. They have difficulty being alone or by themselves. They often succumb to unhealthy or abusive relationships.
Anxious people have difficulty trusting people, even those close to them, yet they rely excessively on others to meet their emotional needs and solve their problems. Their behavior may be irrational, intermittent, and overly emotional. They are the ones who complain that the opposite sex is cold and callous. They may even burst into tears while doing so.
That’s the girl who calls you 36 times in one night wondering why you haven’t called her back—let’s call her Anna. Or the guy who follows his girlfriend to work to make sure she’s not flirting with any other guys.
Women are more likely to be anxious than men,6 but that’s okay, there’s still a lot of insecurity.
Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant attachment styles are highly independent, self-directed, and often feel uncomfortable with intimacy. They fear commitment and are adept at finding logical ways out of any intimate situation. They regularly complain of feeling “crowded” or “suffocated” when people try to get close to them. They often feel suspicious that others want to control them or put them in a box.
In every relationship, they always have an exit strategy. Always. Avoidants often structure their lifestyle in a way that avoids commitment or excessive intimate contact.
In surveys, avoidants score uniquely high on self-confidence and uniquely low on emotional expressiveness and warmth. Not only do they reveal themselves much less to their partner and friends, but they also tend not to rely on others, even when they should. They score lower than other types of caregivers, which means they shouldn’t be relied upon when they’re in trouble.
Sadly, relationships tend to be dominated by those who don’t care much. So, avoidant people tend to be the dominant ones in both friendships and romantic relationships, because they’re almost always ready to walk away. This is in contrast to anxious people, who allow themselves to be the dominant ones in both.
This is the guy—let’s call him Alex—who works 80 hours a week and gets annoyed when the women he dates want to see him more than once a weekend. Or the girl who dates dozens of guys over the years but tells them all she doesn’t want “anything serious” and inevitably ends up dumping them when she gets tired of them.
Men are more likely than women to be avoidant people,9 but as always, there’s a lot of neurosis.
Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style
Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style (also known as the “fearful or disorganized type”) combines the worst of both worlds. Anxious-voidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they are also distrustful and emotionally lash out at anyone who tries to get close to them. Anxious-voidants often spend a lot of their time alone and miserable, or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships.
Anxious-voidants have low confidence and are less inclined to express emotions, preferring to suppress them.10 However, they can have intense emotional outbursts when they are under stress.11 They also tend not to seek help when needed due to their lack of trust in others. This is bad because they are also unable to sort out their problems.
Anxious-avoidants get the worst of both worlds. They avoid intimacy not because they prefer to be alone like avoidants. Rather, they avoid intimacy because they are deeply afraid that it will hurt them.
According to studies, only a small percentage of the population qualifies as an anxiety-avoidant type, and they usually have many other emotional problems in other areas of their lives (i.e., substance abuse, depression, etc.).As with most psychological models, these types are not homogeneous traits, but rather numerical and somewhat independent.
For example, according to Amir Levy and Rachel Heller’s book Attached, I scored about 75% on the secure scale, 90% on the avoidant scale, and 10% on the anxious scale. I suspect that 3-5 years ago, security was lower and anxiety was higher, although avoidance was always at its highest (as any of my ex-girlfriends will tell you).
Related : Peter Pan Syndrome: When People Just Can’t Grow Up
The point is that you can exhibit tendencies toward more than one strategy depending on the situation and at different frequencies. Although everyone has one dominant strategy. So a secure Sarah will still exhibit some avoidant or anxious behaviors, an anxious Anna and an avoidant Alex will occasionally exhibit secure behaviors, etc. It’s not all or nothing. But an anxious-avoidant Aaron will score high on both the anxious and avoidant types and low on the secure scale.
How Attachment Styles Are Formed
As I mentioned earlier, our attachment styles as adults are influenced by how we relate to our parents (or other parents/primary caregivers) when we are young children. As a helpless toddler, this was our first and most important relationship in our lives, so it naturally sets the “blueprint” for how we perceive all relationships as we mature.
We use this relationship blueprint as we grow into late childhood and adolescence when we typically begin to form significant relationships outside of our immediate relationship with our parents. Our peer group takes on a larger role in our lives as we continue to learn how to relate to others. These experiences further influence our attachment style as we eventually become emotionally attached to others, which in turn also influences our attachment style.
So while your early experiences with your parents have a big impact on how you relate to others, they are not the only factor that determines your attachment style (although it is a big factor) and your attachment style can change over time (more on this later).
But in general, people with secure attachment styles have their needs met regularly as infants. They grow up feeling competent among their peers, but they are also comfortable with their flaws to some extent. As a result, they display healthy, strong boundaries as adults, can communicate their needs well in their relationships, and are not afraid to leave a bad relationship if they think they need it.
People with anxious attachment styles, on the other hand, receive unpredictable and adequate love and care as infants. As adults, they have positive views of their peers, but negative views of themselves. Their romantic relationships are often overly idealized and they rely on them very heavily for self-esteem. Hence the 36 calls in one night when you didn’t answer your phone.
Avoidant people like Alex had only some of their needs met as infants, while the rest was neglected (for example, Alex may have been fed regularly, but not cuddled enough). So Alex grows up with a negative view of others but a positive view of himself. Aaron has not relied much on his romantic relationships to get his needs met and feels he doesn’t need others for emotional support. But Aaron, who is anxiously avoidant, probably had a very abusive or neglectful childhood. He grew up having difficulty getting along with his peers. So, as an adult, he seeks intimacy and independence in romantic interactions, sometimes at the same time, which doesn’t go as well as you can imagine.
Adult Attachment Styles and Relationship Formation
Different attachment types tend to form themselves into intimate relationships in predictable ways. Secure types can date (or engage, depending on your perspective) with both anxious and avoidant types. They are comfortable enough with themselves to give anxious types all the reassurance they need and avoidant types the space they need without feeling threatened themselves.
Anxious and avoidant people are more likely to end up in relationships with each other than with their types.17 This may seem counterintuitive, but there is a system behind the madness. Avoidant types are so good at pushing others away that oftentimes only anxious types are willing to stay and put in the extra effort to get them to open up.
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For example, avoidant Alex might be able to successfully evade secure Sarah’s attempts at increased intimacy. Secure Sarah will then accept the rejection and move on. But anxious Anna will become even more determined to cling to the man who pushes her away. She resorts to calling him for weeks or months at a time until he finally gives in and commits to her. This gives the avoidant Alex the reassurance he needs that he can act independently and that the anxious Anna will be waiting for him. These relationships often produce a degree of unhealthy balance as they fall into a pattern of pursuit, the two cycles that both the anxious and avoidant types need to feel comfortable in an intimate relationship.
Anxious and avoidant people only date people who are less secure than anxious or avoidant people. These relationships are very messy, if not downright abusive or neglectful.
All of this leads to one conclusion, the same one I suggest in my book, which is that insecurity in relationships finds insecurity and security finds security, even if those insecurities aren’t always the same. 18 Honestly, to everyone who has emailed me over the years complaining that everyone they date is insecure, has trust issues, or is needy and manipulative… well, let’s just say I have some bad news for you.
What’sYourAttachmentStyle?
If you don’t have an idea of your attachment style yet and want to take a test, you can take this quiz. It’s a great resource that will give you insight into your attachment style across different relationships—parents, friends, and romantic partners.
I also love this quiz because it lets you track how different aspects of your attachment strategy change over time.
If you don’t want to take the test (it probably takes 10 minutes), the gist of it is this: If you consistently avoid commitment, avoid your romantic partners, exclude them, or don’t share things with them, you’re probably largely avoidant.
If you’re constantly worried about your partners, feel like they don’t love you as much as you love them, want to see them 24/7, and need constant reassurance from them, you’re probably anxious.
If you’re comfortable dating people, being intimate with them, and able to set clear boundaries in your relationships, but also don’t mind being alone, you’re probably secure.
Note, however, that there are some individual differences in how strongly we identify each attachment style. For example, you might be securely attached in most areas but have anxious or avoidant tendencies in other situations.
However, most people typically have a dominant attachment style that they tend to rely on in their close relationships.
CanYouChangeYourAttachmentStyle?
The good news is that your attachment style can change over time—although it is slow and difficult.
Research shows that an anxious or avoidant person who enters a long-term relationship with a secure person can be “raised” to the level of the secure person over a long period. Unfortunately, an anxious or avoidant person can also “drop” the secure person to the level of insecurity if they are not careful.
Also, severe negative life events, such as divorce, the death of a child, serious accidents, etc., can cause a secure attachment type to fall into a less secure attachment type.
For example, the anonymous man may be more or less secure, marrying the anxious Anna, and raising her to a more secure level, but when they run into financial trouble, she returns to her anxious level, cheats on him, divorces him, and takes all his money, pushing him into a state of avoidance. The anonymous man continues to ignore intimacy and tries to exploit women for the next ten years, afraid of getting intimate with any of them.
If you’re starting to think that anxious and/or avoidant behavior is consistent with the false alpha syndrome and other insecure behaviors I describe in men in my book, you’re right. Our attachment styles are closely linked to our confidence in ourselves and others.
Psychologists Bartholomew and Horowitz have proposed a model that shows that a person’s attachment strategy is correlated with their degree of positive/negative self-image and positive/negative perception of others.
Secure people display positive self-images and positive perceptions of others. Anxious people display negative self-images but have positive perceptions of others (hence their needy behavior).
Avoidant people display positive self-images and negative perceptions of others (hence their arrogance and fear of commitment), and anxious-avoidant people display negative perceptions of almost everything and everyone (hence their inability to function in relationships).
Using this model as a roadmap, one can begin to steer oneself toward a more secure attachment type.
Anxious people can work on developing themselves, establishing healthy boundaries, and fostering a healthy self-image. Instead of constantly searching for “the one” who will magically solve all their problems (and then calling them 36 times in one night), they can look for things that will make them a better, healthier person in body and mind.
One of my most common dating tips is for men to find something they are passionate about and good at and make it the focal point of their lives instead of women. Needless to say, the same goes for women as well.
Once they are content with who they are, anxious types can work on becoming more aware of their tendency to seek out partners who confirm their negative self-image.
Remember what I said about the insecurity that comes with being insecure? Anxious people would do better to step outside that circle and surround themselves with people, friends and lovers alike, who lift them rather than tear them down. And to deepen those relationships. The positive emotional experiences they get from healthy relationships, especially deep ones like the one they have with a spouse, will reshape their worldview, reduce their anxiety, and help them become more secure types. Avoidant types can work on opening themselves up to others and enriching their relationships by sharing more of themselves. Research shows that simply not avoiding relationships can help avoidants move away from their avoidant tendencies. 24 Like anxious types, avoidants should stop trying to reaffirm their worldview with everyone they meet—not everyone is untrustworthy or clingy.
Related : What’s the Difference Between a Psychopath and a Sociopath?
One of the most common pieces of advice I give people is that it’s your responsibility to find something wonderful in everyone you meet. It’s not their responsibility to show it to you. Be curious. Stop judging.
For the unlucky few who find themselves anxious and avoidant, they can follow the advice for both types above. Focus on getting to know themselves and their fears and insecurities, embrace them, and learn how to work with them, rather than against them. A few simple tools to help them do this are journaling and meditation. Professional therapy can also be effective.
Of course, some of you may be reading this and thinking, “I love being alone and being able to sleep with whoever I want. I wouldn’t change a thing.” And it’s true—many people live happy, successful lives as avoidant or anxious people. Some even have successful, long-term relationships as anxious or avoidant people.
However research shows that self-confident people are consistently happier, feel more supported,26 are less likely to be depressed,27 are healthier,28 maintain more stable relationships, and are more successful29 than other types.
I can tell you from personal experience that I’ve felt myself moving away from a strong, avoidant (and slightly anxious) attachment type to a more secure attachment type over the past six years of working on myself in this area. And I can say unequivocally that I’m happier and more fulfilled in my relationships and with the women I date now than I’ve ever been.
