Wondering how to deal with a narcissist?
Dealing with a narcissist can be difficult, frustrating, and maddening. The first step in dealing with a narcissist is to recognize that they are a narcissist. Here is a partial definition of the disorder from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V):
A personality disorder characterized by the following features:
A long-standing pattern of inflated self-importance and an exaggerated sense of talent and achievement
Delusions of unlimited sexuality, power, brilliance, or beauty
A showy need for attention and admiration
Apathetic indifference or feelings of anger, humiliation, or emptiness in response to criticism, apathy, or defeat
Various personality disorders, such as feelings of entitlement to special benefits, taking advantage of others, and an inability to empathize with the feelings of others.
Does this sound familiar? If you’ve been with a narcissist and things go wrong, it’s never their fault. When things go well, it’s always because of them. You can’t win. Narcissism simply can’t put itself in your shoes, can’t see things from your perspective. It doesn’t have much empathy for your feelings if they’re sad and depressed. It’s all about it. Of course, if you’re feeling happy, it will notice and take credit for your good mood.
Self-worth and Narcissism
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you may feel bad about yourself. This is because narcissists are unable to meet any of your real needs. This may not seem true at the beginning of the relationship when the narcissist is trying so hard to win you over (to meet their own needs). But once they have you, be careful. You will tend to feel depressed and feel like you don’t even exist when you interact with them. Because you’re not in their psyche. Of course, there are degrees of narcissism and not all narcissists are completely unworkable. But they are all difficult to deal with.
Here are four powerful tips on how to deal with a narcissist:
Tip 1: Recognize the Signs
Your girlfriend:
- Constantly talks about herself
- Doesn’t ask about you, your concerns, or your feelings
- Believes she’s very important and better than everyone else
- Needs a lot of attention and validation
- Doesn’t empathize with you very much
- Feeling she deserves more than everyone else (which isn’t fair)
- Exaggerates and brags about her accomplishments
- Plays a win-lose game where she wins and everyone else loses
- Is extremely arrogant and judges and looks down on others. And you, too, after the honeymoon period
- Seeks awards or status and must have only the best
- Very mean if she feels insulted or criticized
- Can’t admit when she’s wrong
On a deep, subconscious level, she feels completely insecure and feels like she can’t measure up. That’s why she reacts poorly to criticism and is so busy trying to prove herself.
These characteristics are as true for men as they are for women. In the courtship phase, narcissistic men may initially be more covert than their female counterparts, but their true nature soon emerges.
Here’s a good summary of the first key point: In her book, I Am Free, psychotherapist Bree Bonshay puts it this way:
“A relationship with a narcissist in a nutshell: You go from being the perfect love of their life to not being enough. You give everything you have and they take everything and give you less and less in return. You end up drained emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and perhaps financially, and then you get blamed for it.”
Tip 2: Free Yourself from Self-Doubt and Blame
When you learn to see clearly who you’re dealing with and understand narcissistic patterns, you can free yourself from second-guessing what you’ve done wrong. You’ll be able to dismiss thoughts including: “I should have told her how much I enjoyed the comedy club she chose and that I’d love to go again. That’s why she didn’t call me.” “She’s unhappy because I’m needy/too successful/boring,” or just fill in the blank. When we don’t understand that we’re dealing with a narcissist and things blow up, it’s easy to spiral into self-blame: “We fought because of something I said or did, or something I didn’t say or do.”
This is especially true because the narcissist tends to blame you over and over again. You need to free yourself from this type of negative self-talk and see who you are dealing with clearly. This process is very liberating, as it focuses on yourself and your self-love.
Tip 3: Assess the Severity of Narcissism
There are different degrees of narcissism. At the less extreme, the narcissist may realize that something is missing from her emotional life on a deep level and may be willing to work on developing empathy and compassion. A good test of this is whether she is willing to go to individual or couples therapy. If she is willing, it is a good sign that she may be less stuck and more workable. It also shows whether she is willing to learn how to have a close, authentic, emotionally intimate relationship.
Unfortunately, you may have to be willing to leave the relationship to activate your narcissist’s openness to seeking help. Often, it is the specter of loss that opens up a true appreciation for others and all they have to offer.
How to Deal with a Narcissist: Client Example
Brad, a therapist in his 50s, came to our program complaining about his narcissistic wife, Ellen. Ellen was a successful, highly egotistical attorney. She tended to blame Brad for their disagreements, even though he was a very caring and helpful person. If he left the dishes in the sink, she would become harsh and angry. If he was late feeding the dog, she would throw a tantrum, too. She felt that things had to go according to plan—her superior plan. Brad was very unhappy.
He slowly began to see through Ellen’s narcissism and learned to stop blaming himself for their disagreements. As his self-love and strength grew, Brad told Ellen that he would leave the relationship if she did not get help. At first, Ellen tried her usual bullying tactics to get Brad to back down. But when Brad stood his ground, Ellen agreed to go to counseling with him.
Ellen began to work on her childhood issues related to being raised by a very narcissistic mother. Through her daily behavior, Ellen began to change her attitude to become more accepting and mature, which showed that her narcissism was less severe. They are happier as a couple.
Tip 4: Seek Help for Dealing with a Narcissist
You can now see how assessing the severity of your partner’s narcissism is a very important step. If you accept help, things may go well. On the other hand, if your partner is unwilling to seek treatment, things may not improve. It may be best for you to leave the relationship.
