You may have heard of narcissistic projection. This happens when narcissists transfer their problems, toxic feelings, and mistakes onto you. For example, they accuse you of flirting with a co-worker when in fact they are having an affair. Or they criticize you for being lazy and not doing the dishes, even though you spent the afternoon cleaning the house.
Narcissistic projection is certainly painful (and frustrating), but it is not the only dysfunctional pattern in narcissistic relationships. Many partners unwittingly project feelings of empathy, love, patience, and compassion onto the narcissist—even when none of that exists.
Empathic projection comes from a deep place of good intentions, but it ultimately creates a destructive dynamic. Here’s how it all works.
Signs and symptoms of empathic projection
If you identify as an empath, you probably know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed by your level of empathy. You feel your emotions intensely and deeply. You accept other people’s feelings, even when you wish you didn’t.
But it’s not just empaths who engage in empathic projection. Anyone who is closely allied with a narcissist, whether a partner, child, or friend, will often use empathic projection to justify their relationship and deal with the abuse.
Here are some common signs and symptoms.
1 – You believe that you must rescue or save the narcissist
She cares about narcissists and sees the good in them that no one else sees. In addition, you also believe that they can fix themselves. After all, people can change, right?
Thus, you excuse their awful behavior and assume that it is your righteous duty to help them overcome this problem. It is your job to save them from their suffering. It’s your responsibility to show them the love you think they deserve.
This is a classic case of empathic projection. First, you assume that the narcissist wants to fix himself (which is generally not true). You also assume that you are the right person for this seemingly impossible task.
2-You justify their behavior
They had a terrible childhood!
Their mother/father is a narcissist.
Their ex treated them terribly.
They are struggling with addiction!
Do the above excuses sound familiar? While there may be a grain of truth behind it, doggedly defending toxic behavior only perpetuates the problem. Even if the narcissist had a traumatic childhood or suffered significant abuse, this does not make his or her current behavior acceptable.
Justifying him only keeps him alive. As long as you engage in this pattern, you continue to reinforce the narcissist to continue treating you poorly.
3- Prevents future default
So, things are bad now. You can admit it.
But you cling to the hope that a beautiful future awaits you. Once they stop drinking, get their anger under control, or decide they’re ready to get married, things will magically get better. right?
If these illusions seem illusory, that’s because they often are. Narcissists like to promise you anything you want when they feel threatened. They know your weaknesses, and they will exploit them to try to keep you committed.
So, when it’s all said and done, you can expect them to suddenly “come back” with a beautiful engagement ring or a promise to go into therapy. Don’t be fooled. They are not interested in changing you or making you happy, they are only interested in ensuring that you stay where you are. Once they feel secure in that, they will pull the rug out from under you again.
4 – Do you think they have stopped being narcissists
After a phase of intense, exhilarating love bombing, you may feel sad if the narcissist ends the relationship. They were your soul mate! They were supposed to live happily ever after!
And now, you can’t help but burn with envy and anger towards their new partner. Part of you may think that this person is getting the “better, healthier” version of the narcissist.
Don’t fall into this fallacy. The narcissist will try hard to convince you to believe that he only acts this way because of you. Then, they will do everything they can to convince you that you are responsible for their terrible treatment.
However, narcissism is an established personality disorder. So, even if a narcissist can hide some of their awful behaviors when they first meet someone, it is only a matter of time before their true personality emerges. The truth about narcissists is that they create and stabilize trauma within you so that it lives on within you, even when the relationship ends.
Getting closure from a narcissist is not possible. You cannot negotiate with them. You can’t make them atone for their mistakes. These are things that never happen to narcissists, even over time
5 – You continue to fall for their lies (and ignore their actions)
Narcissists talk such good talk. They know how to tell you exactly what you want to hear. And if that’s not what you want to hear, they know how to manipulate any situation to make it seem like it’s all your fault.
If you are involved with a narcissist, you need to stop listening to what they have to say. All that matters is their actions. Their actions reveal the truth and tell you everything you need to know about how much they care about you.
At first, this task may seem impossible. If you suffer from empathic projection, it’s natural to justify your actions because you’re so focused on empty promises, fake apologies, or grandiose declarations of love. And if you reprimand them for inappropriate behavior, the narcissist will respond with either more sweet talk or full-blown narcissistic rage – there is very little in between.
No matter their response, make no mistake about it. The narcissist depends on you to stay under his captivating spell. They will tell you everything you want to hear to keep you close. Even if they eventually ignore you, the narcissist is not interested in giving you peace or leaving you alone without traumatizing you. This is why they generally move you in as soon as they think you might finally be ready to start moving on without them.
6- You get angry when others call you out
You may have identified that the narcissist is hurting you or behaving inappropriately, but you unravel when someone else acknowledges it. Why? Because it feels personal! It feels like the other person is insulting you for your choices.
In addition, empaths tend to be protective of their narcissistic partners. Again, this is often due to justifying the narcissistic behavior or assuming that his or her motives are inherently good. Therefore, you feel frustrated when others do not give the narcissist the same patience or empathy.
So, if you feel like you must protect the narcissist at all costs, ask yourself this:
Am I afraid the narcissist will hurt me if I don’t?
Do I subconsciously want to believe that I am imagining the narcissist’s toxic behavior?
Am I afraid of people judging me if they understand the narcissist?
If you answer yes to these questions, you are enabling the narcissist. Unfortunately, you are also ignoring your reality and potentially alienating yourself from others! Keep in mind that this is exactly what the narcissist wants.
How to stop using empathic projection
If you realize you are using empathic projection, congratulations! The first step is awareness, and you are certainly not alone in your experiences.
Victims of emotional abuse often rely on empathic projection to deal with their horrific circumstances. The show, somehow, keeps you feeling safe and grounded, even when life seems completely chaotic.
However, the more you engage in this pattern, the more it will persist. Narcissists don’t stop hurting people once they get what they want. If anything, they often redouble their efforts to ensure they can maintain their narcissistic stock.
