You may have heard of narcissistic projection. It is when narcissists project their problems, toxic feelings, and mistakes onto you. For example, they accuse you of flirting with a co-worker when they are, in fact, having an affair. Or they criticize you for being lazy and not doing the dishes, even though you spent the afternoon cleaning the house.

Narcissistic projection is undoubtedly painful (and frustrating), but it is not the only dysfunctional pattern in narcissistic relationships. Many partners unwittingly show feelings of empathy, love, patience, and compassion toward the narcissist—even when none of that exists.

Empathic projection comes from a deep place of good intentions, but ultimately creates a destructive dynamic. Here’s how it all works.

Signs and symptoms of empathic projection

If you identify with empathy, you probably know how overwhelmed your level of empathy can feel. You feel your feelings intensely and deeply. You take upon yourself the feelings of others, even when you wish you didn’t.

But it’s not just empaths who engage in empathic projection. Anyone who identifies closely with a narcissist, be it a partner, child, or friend, often uses empathic projection to rationalize their relationship and deal with the abuse.

Here are some common signs and symptoms.

1 – You believe you have to rescue or save the narcissist
You care about the narcissist, and see the good in him that no one else can see. In addition, you also think that they can fix themselves. After all, people can change, right?

Thus, you justify their outrageous behavior and assume that it is your righteous duty to help them come back. Your job is to save them from their suffering. It is your responsibility to show them the love you think they deserve.

This is a classic case of empathic projection. First, you assume that the narcissist wants to fix themselves (which is generally not true). You also assume that you are the right person for this seemingly impossible task.

2 to guide them in their behaviour
They had a terrible childhood!

Their mother/father is a narcissist.

Their ex treated them terribly.

They struggle with addiction!

Do the above excuses sound familiar? While there may be a grain of truth behind them, vigorously defending toxic behavior only perpetuates the problem. Even if the narcissist had a traumatic childhood or experienced significant abuse, this does not make his or her current behavior acceptable.

Justifying her only keeps her alive. As long as you engage in this pattern, you continue to reinforce the narcissist to continue to treat you poorly.

3 – You keep the future going
So, things are bad now. You can admit it.

But you cling to the hope that a beautiful future lies ahead. Once they quit drinking, manage their anger, or decide they’re ready for marriage, things will magically become better. right?

If these fantasies seem delusional, that’s mostly because they are. Narcissists love to promise you anything you want when they feel threatened. They know your weaknesses, and will exploit them to try and keep you engaged.

So, when all the chips are down, you can suddenly expect them to “wrap” with a pretty engagement ring or promise to go in for the treat. Don’t be fooled. They are not really interested in changing you or making you happy – they are only interested in ensuring that you stick around. Once they feel safe in that, they will pull the rug right out from under you again.

4 – You think they have stopped being narcissistic
After a phase of intense and euphoric love bombing, you may feel sad if the narcissist ends the relationship. They were your soul mate! The two of you were supposed to live happily ever after!

And now, you can’t help but sink into envy and anger towards their new partner. A part of you may believe that this person is getting the “better, healthier” version of the narcissist.

Don’t fall for this fallacy. The narcissist will try very hard to make you believe that he is behaving this way only because of you. Then, they will do everything they can to convince you that you are responsible for their terrible treatment.

But narcissism is a persistent personality disorder. So even if a narcissist can hide some of their outrageous behavior when they first meet someone, it’s only a matter of time until their authentic self emerges. The truth about narcissists is that they create and hold traumas inside you so that they live on inside you, even when the relationship ends.

Getting closure from a narcissist is not possible. You cannot negotiate with them. You cannot atone for their mistakes. These are things that never happen with narcissists, even over time.

5 – You fall for their lies (and ignore their actions).
Narcissists talk such good talk. They know how to tell you exactly what you want to hear. And if that’s not what you want to hear, they know how to manipulate any situation to make it feel like it’s entirely your fault.

If you are involved with a narcissist, you need to stop listening to what they have to say. All that really matters is their actions. Their actions reveal the truth and tell you everything you need to know about how much they care about you.

At first, this task may seem impossible. If you suffer from empathic projection, you will naturally excuse their actions because you are so focused on empty promises, fake apologies, or grandiose declarations of love. And if you call them inappropriate behavior, the narcissist will respond with either more sweet talk or full-blown narcissistic rage—there’s very little in between.

Regardless of their response, make no mistake about it. The narcissist is counting on you to stay under his captivating spell. And they’ll tell you everything you need to hear to keep you close. Even if they eventually ignore you, the narcissist has no interest in giving you peace or leaving you alone without traumatizing you. This is why they generally hover over you as soon as they think you might be ready to finally start moving on without them.

6 You get angry when others call them out

You may have determined that the narcissist is harming you or behaving inappropriately, but you crumble when someone else acknowledges it. Why? Because it feels personal! It feels like the other person is putting you down for your choices.

In addition, empaths tend to be protective of their narcissistic partners. Again, this is often due to rationalizing narcissistic behavior or assuming that their motives are inherently good. Therefore, you get frustrated when others don’t give the narcissist the same patience or sympathy.

So, if you feel you must protect the narcissist at all costs, ask yourself this:

Am I afraid the narcissist will hurt me if I don’t?
Do I subconsciously want to believe that I am imagining toxic narcissistic behavior?
Do I fear how people will judge me if they truly understand the narcissist?
If you answered yes to these questions, then you are enabling the narcissist. Unfortunately, you are also ignoring your own reality and potentially alienating yourself from others! Keep in mind that this is exactly what the narcissist wants.

How to stop using empathic projection

If you realize that you use empathic projection, congratulations! The first step is awareness, and you are certainly not alone in your experiences.

Victims of emotional abuse often rely on empathic projection to deal with their horrific circumstances. The show, in a way, makes you feel safe and grounded, even when life feels utterly chaotic.

However, the more you get involved in this pattern, the longer it will last. Narcissists never stop hurting people once they get what they want. If anything, they often double down on their efforts to ensure they can maintain their narcissistic supply.

If you suffer from empathic projection, here are some steps you can take to change your behavior.

Recognize and tag them when they happen

Have you stood up for the narcissist again? Have you condoned the offending behavior or told yourself, “That’s exactly the way it is?”

that happens! Changing your mindset will take time and effort, but growth requires holding yourself accountable. This means that you must identify and name your empathic projections as you observe them. Doing so will help you recognize trends and triggers.

Over time, you can begin to anticipate when you can use empathic projection. But instead of acting automatically, you’ll have the insight (and the choice!) to respond differently.