Psychologist Stephen Karpman developed the concept of the “drama triangle” more than 40 years ago, and it remains a valuable way to think about the roles you might find yourself playing in certain situations and when you’re in relationships with other people.
Drama triangles are environments where narcissists thrive, and if you’re not careful, you can find yourself drawn into, and forced into a stressful and uncomfortable role.
To understand the drama triangle, imagine a triangle, and at each of its points, there’s a “role” that we and others play. These roles are persecutor, victim, and rescuer.
Persecutor
The persecutor role is particularly suited to narcissists. They dominate, think they know best, and ignore the opinions of others. When things go wrong, it’s because someone else is useless. They may bully others and become aggressive if they don’t get what they want. They may use passive-aggressive means to be mean to people. By oppressing others, the narcissist’s fragile sense of identity is reinforced and their need for power over others is met.
The Victim
Victims see the world as being against them. Like the oppressor, when something goes wrong in their lives, it’s not their fault. They project a helpless image to those around them and manipulate others into helping them. They are exhausting to be around. Vulnerable narcissists often play the victim.
The Rescuer
Narcissists can also be rescuers. They may surround themselves with people they see as weaker than themselves; this also satisfies their need to be surrounded by people who feel too threatening to challenge them. Rescuing people can satisfy their need for attention, and they can appear as the “good guy” to everyone. Being a rescuer can also mean that they can control the person they have rescued.
Narcissists can move in and out of these roles themselves, from the victim (Dad was horrible to me, can you take care of me) to the persecutor (Dad and I made up and you’re just a kid, stop exaggerating). Because narcissists derive their sense of validation from the outside, they will do everything they can to draw other people into their drama triangle. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve probably been dragged along without even realizing it.
Here’s an example: Mary’s mother is a narcissist. Mary’s primary role in life was as a “rescuer”—her mother had various dramas over the years involving Mary’s father and then her mother’s various boyfriends. Mary was involved in helping her mother escape from her boyfriends, packed her bags for her on one occasion, and helped her move to a different state while her boyfriend was at work.
Mary begins her first serious relationship and gets married. She begins to set boundaries and responds less to her mother’s needs. Because Mary does not play the role of savior, her mother sees Mary as an “oppressor” and turns against Mary with extreme aggression, accusing her of being ungrateful for everything her mother has done. In doing so, Mary’s mother becomes the oppressor.
Even though Mary has moved on with her life, she is so disturbed by her mother’s actions that she becomes a victim. She feels helpless and threatened and loses the strength she showed in setting her boundaries. Meanwhile, her mother has a new boyfriend to “save” her. She continues to persecute Mary until her boyfriend leaves her. Realizing that she needs someone in her life, her mother “saves” Mary by letting her back into her life. The next time the mother needs help and acts as a victim, Mary quickly turns to her savior to avoid repeating the aggressive response.
Narcissists can move in and out of these roles themselves, from the victim (Dad was horrible to me, can you take care of me) to the persecutor (Dad and I made up and you’re just a kid, stop exaggerating). Because narcissists derive their sense of validation from the outside, they will do everything they can to draw other people into their drama triangle. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve probably been dragged along without even realizing it.
Here’s an example: Mary’s mother is a narcissist. Mary’s primary role in life was as a “rescuer”—her mother had various dramas over the years involving Mary’s father and then her mother’s various boyfriends. Mary was involved in helping her mother escape from her boyfriends, packed her bags for her on one occasion, and helped her move to a different state while her boyfriend was at work.
Mary begins her first serious relationship and gets married. She begins to set boundaries and responds less to her mother’s needs. Because Mary does not play the role of savior, her mother sees Mary as an “oppressor” and turns against Mary with extreme aggression, accusing her of being ungrateful for everything her mother has done. In doing so, Mary’s mother becomes the oppressor.
Even though Mary has moved on with her life, she is so disturbed by her mother’s actions that she becomes a victim. She feels helpless and threatened and loses the strength she showed in setting her boundaries. Meanwhile, her mother has a new boyfriend to “save” her. She continues to persecute Mary until her boyfriend leaves her. Realizing that she needs someone in her life, her mother “saves” Mary by letting her back into her life. The next time the mother needs help and acts as a victim, Mary quickly turns to her savior to avoid repeating the aggressive response.
