Many wonder if modern parenting practices are more conducive to the development of narcissistic children than were earlier parenting practices. This is a good question as cultural definitions of “effective parenting” change over the generations.

The current trend of “over-parenting” can certainly lead to difficulties for children as they grow into adults. Parenting styles seem to swing back and forth like a pendulum across generations. The “hippie parents” of the 1960s and 1970s raised the arrogant youth of the 1980s and 1990s and now the arrogant youth seem to have rebelled against the “peace” generation and produced offspring who often look to their parents to fight their battles when they encounter obstacles or barriers in their lives. It is as if the generations are resisting the style their parents used to raise their children.

There has also been an intense focus on nurturing children’s self-esteem. Unfortunately, some children are not given the healthy or constructive feedback that allows them to grow into well-adjusted, self-sufficient adults. I sometimes joke with my reporting staff that “not everyone gets a horse.” Unfortunately, many young people and teens are raised to believe that everyone deserves a trophy and that every effort—no matter how inconsequential or incomplete—is worthy of praise.

Making sure that children are “happy,” “feel good about themselves,” or “feel loved” is important, but raising them to believe that they should always be the center of attention and that praise is deserved, even if it is not, is not helpful to the individual or society.

Are Millennials any different from other generations?

It is doubtful that Millennials are the first generation to experience a sense of entitlement and “specialness,” but they are the first generation to be fully immersed in social media from a very early age. Parents have kept family photo albums for generations, and home movies and VCRs have made it easy to record every stage of your children’s development, but once Myspace and Facebook entered the picture, people were able to record and highlight their ordinary or wonderful life experiences. Even if you’re creating a GooglePlus or LinkedIn page for professional purposes, you’re still creating an identity designed to attract attention and appreciation from others.

Posting what you had for breakfast or telling people you were heading to the basement to do your laundry—and receiving “likes” for these experiences—has created a whole new flavor of narcissism. Never before have people been able to broadcast a specific personal identity that was so far-reaching. Having a personal “space” or “page” gives individuals a place to feel that what they do matters on a larger scale than it does and that personal details matter more than they might.

PostItOrItHasNeverHappened

The phrase “post it or it doesn’t” creates the belief that our identities and experiences are not only “proof” of our awesomeness, but also “worthy” of archiving. There is a false sense of importance and relevance outside of our closest circle of friends/family. Selfies and selfie sticks are evidence of the narcissistic shift that contemporary culture has enabled.

Essentially, millennials are often encouraged to believe that their feelings, accomplishments, preferences, and experiences matter more to others than they might or should matter to them. Just because you have a great web presence doesn’t mean you’re as great as you think you are.

Where’s the “Most Mature Adult”?

Is there a parenting guide that teaches humility and self-sufficiency? As with any type of book, there are “good” books and “bad” books. The important thing for parents to realize is that no single book will teach you everything you need to know about raising children. Parents of the Elvis Presley generation felt like their children were out of control. Hippie parents couldn’t “control” their teens. It’s only natural for their kids to rebel against their parents. In this case, the harsh realities of adulthood are the force that helps rebellious teens transform into mature adults. Unfortunately, today’s millennials seem to be delaying the transition to independent adulthood much longer than previous generations.

It’s no longer uncommon for parents to call or email professors to complain about their child’s grades or explain why their child is late turning in assignments. Parents are often happy to let their 20-somethings live at home while they look for a first job or work to find a better-paying job. Many parents who pay rent for their children in their mid-20s want to live on their own with a false sense of independence. For some parents, the millennial mindset allows them to continue to feel needed. They are also able to postpone their sense of old age if they have “children” still at home. It’s as if everyone, not just the children, is looking for the “mature adult” in the room who will take charge of the situation for them.

ResponsiveParenting vs. “OppressiveParenting”

Raising children is no easy task in a world where there are so many options and so many choices. Parents feel that by participating in “parenting all the dots,” they are helping their children. However, without teaching their children how to make informed choices, they are setting young people up for unexpected and much greater difficulties in the long run. Parents often don’t understand the difference between responsive and oppressive parenting until their children are no longer able to make their way in life.

Parents need to remember that a child will never be able to fly if they are never allowed to test their wings.

ResearchStudy: How are your relationships with adult siblings?

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