What if you were losing yourself in your relationship without even realizing it? As detainees, we lose ourselves in relationships, not realizing that losing ourselves is the greatest despair.
When a relationship inevitably ends, it’s devastating, because we’re so lost. We lack autonomy because this task is not completed by adulthood. The struggle to achieve this is typical of codependent relationships.
There are often power struggles, characterized by recurring unresolved arguments, either over one recurring issue or several trivial things. Many of them boil down to the question of who is in control, whose needs are going to be met, or how intimate they are going to be. Intimacy problems are a common symptom of codependency.
Avoiding the intimacy and vulnerability that occurs when we open up is a way to maintain control and independence. We fear that closeness will make us more dependent on our partner, judged, and hurt.
These findings are not necessarily true but go back to a traumatic or dysfunctional childhood when vulnerability and dependence were not safe. Some people feel insecure both inside and outside of a relationship. The more we are threatened by closeness and autonomy, the greater the conflict in the relationship.
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How to lose yourself in your relationship
We gradually lose ourselves in small, imperceptible ways. It can start with romance when it’s only natural for us to want to please our loved ones and spend a lot of our time together. However, emotionally mature adults do not give up their activities, give up their life (they have a life), or condone the inappropriate behavior of their partner, despite strong physical attraction.
1) The stages of accreditation
Many codependents work well on their own, but once in a relationship, the phases of codependency take hold. When there is “chemistry,” they ignore negative signs that might be a warning not to get involved. The feel-good chemicals in our brain indeed start to dull our emptiness, so we want more of that drug.
We don’t want to lose those good feelings. Hence, we become increasingly preoccupied with and dependent on our loved ones. The desire to please can lead to obsession, denial of our partner’s behavior, and doubt of our perceptions.
Boundaries become so blurred that we don’t say “no” or place limits on what we want to do or accept from our partners. Not only that, but confusion arises between what our partner is feeling and our own. We feel responsible for them, too. If he’s sad, I’m sad too – as the Barry Manilow song says. If she was angry, it must be my fault.
We are confused (or never know) what we believe in and what our values and opinions are. We may not have noticed this until we got into a serious relationship. In the intermediate stage of codependency, we give up our hobbies, outside interests, friends, and sometimes even our relationship(s) with our relative(s) to be with our partner.
Usually, we do this willingly at the beginning of the relationship but we may do it later to comply with our partner’s desires. Although our choices seem desirable or necessary, we are not consciously aware of the price we pay: our ego!
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2) The disease of “self-loss”.
This is why codependency is a disease of the “lost self”. Because our identity is externally referenced, we prioritize our relationships above ourselves, not occasionally, which is normal, but frequently. In significant relationships, we fear losing our connection to others or their approval.
With our partner, we sacrifice ourselves again and again in ways small and large—from insignificant compromises to giving up a career, severing a relative, or condoning or participating in immoral behavior that once seemed beyond imagination. This is how you start to lose yourself in your relationship.
A pattern of conformity develops and new norms are established, such as the progressive restrictions imposed on Jews in Nazi Germany. Over time, we feel guilt, anger, and resentment that are often silent. We blame ourselves. Our self-esteem and self-esteem, if we have anything to do with the relationship, are fading away.
We become anxious and depressed, more obsessive and/or compulsive. We slowly give up choice and freedom until we feel trapped and hopeless, while our depression and despair grow. We may develop addictions or physical symptoms. Eventually, we can become shells of our former selves.
3) Abusive relationships
Symptoms of codependency are exacerbated when we are in an authoritarian relationship, where decisions revolve around the needs and authority of one person. This is typical of an abusive relationship, where our partner makes explicit demands. When our partner insists, it’s as if we have to choose between us and our relationship — that we must give ourselves up to preserve it.
We become invisible, no longer separate people with independent needs and desires, assuming we know what they are. To please our partners and not make waves, we give up on them and compel our self-sacrifice.
Our relationship may be with an addict, a person who is mentally ill, or has a personality disorder, such as narcissistic, borderline, or antisocial personality disorder. These partners are manipulative and can be abusive or threaten abuse or abandonment when they don’t get what they want or feel like they’re becoming more independent. Any action towards autonomy, such as setting boundaries, threatens their control.
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They will attempt to maintain power and authority with guilt, character assassination, gaslighting, and all forms of criticism and emotional abuse. If you have a controlling parent, this pattern may have been established in childhood and carried over into your adult relationships.
You end up walking on eggshells and living in fear that can traumatize your nervous system, with symptoms persisting after you leave. It is essential to seek outside support and seek counseling to recover from the loss of yourself in your relationship.
Healthy relationships
Healthy relationships are interconnected. There is give and take, respect for each other’s needs and feelings and can resolve conflict through genuine communication. Decisions and problem-solving are collaborative. Firmness is key. Negotiations are not a zero-sum game.
Boundaries are expressed directly, without insinuating, manipulating, or assuming our partner will read our thoughts. Convergence threatens neither security nor autonomy. Weakness makes us stronger, not weaker. We can be most intimate and vulnerable when our autonomy and boundaries are intact and respected.
Both partners feel safe. They want to maintain their relationship and allow for each other’s detachment and independence, and not be threatened by their partner’s independence. The relationship thus supports our independence and gives us more courage to explore our talents and grow.
