There’s a good chance you know the obvious signs of emotional abuse. For example, you may realize that it is not appropriate for someone to yell at their partner or threaten to kill them. You probably also understand that it’s not safe for one partner to try to control the other partner’s entire life.

But domestic violence falls on a spectrum, and it can be easy to overlook subtle signs of emotional abuse. However, these individual indicators can be more serious than more obvious indicators. This is because you are less likely to recognize the problem, seek help, or end the relationship.

Here are some hidden signs of emotional abuse you need to know.

1. Lack of privacy

Does your partner ask for access to all your account passwords? Do they enter the room without knocking first? Do they act as if they own your body at all times?

Abusers do not respect your need for privacy. For them, everything is inherently theirs, and they can take ownership of what they want when they want.

As a result, it may seem like you are overreacting if you have a problem with their behavior. They may even accuse you of having something to hide if you set a limit.

Unfortunately, this controlling behavior may be worse than you think. For example, emotionally abusive partners may track your whereabouts or install tracking software on your electronic devices.

They can be sneaky in their actions. So, even if you think you’re relatively safe, they may be watching your every move.

2. Constant blame

No matter what the problem is, it’s always your fault. Even when it’s clear they’re wrong, an emotional abuser can twist every situation to make you look like a bad person.

This constant blaming is a major red flag because it constantly puts you in a lose-lose situation. On the one hand, you tend to feel helpless and frustrated. It is useless to try to defend yourself when they are already ready to show you why you are wrong.

On the other hand, it may become easier to internalize their blame. For example, if you already suffer from low self-esteem, you may believe that their accusations are true. After a while, no matter how confident you are, their harsh behavior will likely destroy you.

3. Emotional duress

Maybe your partner doesn’t make direct threats, but you feel like you have to do what he wants. Or, even if they don’t outwardly ask you to do something, you just know what you can and can’t do.

If this sounds familiar, your partner is likely using some form of blackmail to control you. For example, they might drop numerous comments about how much they hate a particular friend of yours. As a result, you feel guilty for spending time with this friend and start rejecting his invitations.

Or let’s say you’re looking for a house together. When you mention that you like a particular home, they respond with all the issues they have identified. Then they comment how only an idiot would buy a house with all these problems. So, even though they haven’t told you what to do (or not do), you do feel inherent pressure about how to proceed.

4. Fake apologies

Abusers may emotionally apologize for their mistakes. However, the apologies are not sincere or even real.

Alternatively, fake apologies may include justifications and more blame. The abuser often uses it just to show remorse and try to move on. Their statements might look like this:

“I’m sorry you were angry with .” “I’m sorry, but I had to act this way because .”
“I don’t even know why I’m apologizing now…”
“Do you think this is bad? Others would have done much worse!”
“I said I’m sorry already. Can we move on?”

Apologies often lack substance or accountability. The abuser will not realize that he has done anything wrong. Even if they show some responsibility, they will be quick to defend their choice and will continue to attack your character to protect their ego.

5. Contempt

Famous relationship psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, is famous for predicting divorce with over 90% accuracy. In his impressive research, he found that contempt was one of the main indicators of a couple’s death.

Contempt refers to the belief that a person is worthless, incompetent, or even less than human. It is a driving factor in many cases of despicable violations that appear in war crimes or genocide.

Contempt can happen in a relationship when your partner looks down on you. In other words, they essentially believe they are smarter or more capable than you. As a result, they do not respect you, which may lead to constant criticism, ridicule, sarcasm, and insults.

6. Intentionally motivate you

Does your partner or loved one seem to know exactly which buttons to press to make you angry? Worse still, do they sometimes seem to enjoy pressing those buttons?

Some abusers, especially malignant narcissists, get a thrill from hurting others. They like to exploit their power and control in their relationships.

An emotional abuser may intentionally make you angry by:

Joking about leaving the relationship when they know you have abandonment fears.
Telling you terrible news (just to tell you they’re just kidding).
Consciously engage in behaviors when they know you don’t agree with them.
Acting as if the relationship doesn’t matter to them at all.
Stir the pot by discussing controversial issues when with friends or family.

You may be wondering why they act this way. After all, why would someone choose to be so cruel when it could be so easy to avoid?

Unfortunately, some people are not in relationships for the best reasons. They are not looking for mutual love and communication. Instead, they only care about their own needs, and find other people who will help them in their mission.

7. Forgetting important details

This is one of the classic subtle signs of emotional abuse. Your partner didn’t pick up the kids after work because they forgot. Or worse, they didn’t mail you that important form because you never told them.

Anyone can forget but pay attention if this is a recurring trend. It may mean that they don’t care about you or your needs. This means that they probably don’t care when you talk and they don’t care about making you happy.

Some aggressors are more insidious. For example, when they don’t do something important, they will insist that you never told them.

8. Isolation

Isolation is not always as extreme as people think. This does not mean that you are locked in a cage in your bedroom while your partner abuses you every day. However, isolation can certainly feel like you are trapped in prison.

Isolation usually starts slowly. The emotional abuser may comment that he doesn’t want you to work. They may even have a convincing argument. For example, they will emphasize how much they know you hate your job. They will also point out that you deserve better working conditions and wages.

At first, you may not mind the isolation. If your partner is skilled at love bombing, he or she may convince you that you don’t need anyone else in the world. You may feel so obsessed with them that you want to spend every moment together.

Unfortunately, once the love bombing ends, many people realize how far they have fallen away from old friends or hobbies. You may feel like you don’t know who you are (which is exactly what your partner wants).

9. Walking on eggshells

Maybe you can’t quite put your finger on it, but you always feel worried about your partner. You worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. You feel that their behavior is unpredictable, and you always try to gauge their reaction.

If this sounds familiar, it may indicate that you are in an abusive relationship. Your partner may use a range of abusive tactics such as coercion, threats, gaslighting, and emotional outbursts to maintain control over you.

Instead of communicating clearly, they have no problem keeping you on your toes. They would rather “wave and guess” than feel confident in your relationship.

What if you are in a relationship with these subtle signs of emotional abuse?

No relationship is perfect, but you should never feel insecure or emotionally violated. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual trust and empathy, and both parties should strive to be the best versions of themselves.

Subtle signs of emotional abuse rarely go away on their own. Often, it gets worse as the relationship progresses. Unfortunately, once an abuser knows you’re not going anywhere, he or she will have little incentive to change his toxic behavior.

Emotional abuse can quickly escalate and lead to other forms of sexual, financial, and physical abuse. In these cases, ending the relationship and avoiding any contact is the best strategy moving forward.

Begin the healing stages after narcissistic abuse

One of my greatest passions is helping people who were previously victims become empowered. If you’re ready for this amazing upswing, the best thing you can do is join the Break Free community.

My best recommendation is to find an online program to keep you on track and support you. The Break Free program has been examined by therapists and neuropsychologists as an effective step toward overcoming narcissistic abuse. Aside from protecting you from narcissists, it also enables you to go out into the world with confidence.