I first learned about the insidious form of narcissistic personality disorder through reading Grimm’s fairy tales. If you know the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, you already have a classic example of a malignant narcissist in action.
Snow White had to hide deep in the forest in the house of the dwarves because her very beautiful and very competitive stepmother, the Evil Queen, could not bear the thought that Snow White was more beautiful than her. She asked her huntsman to kill Snow White and return the girl’s heart to her in a box.
This example may be a bit extreme, as most malignant narcissists are not murderers, but it conveys the essence of malice that is often present in their interactions with others.
What is malignant narcissism?
The main traits that define malignant narcissism and distinguish it from the more common exhibitionist and covert types are that malignant narcissists obtain most of their narcissistic supply by destroying others’ self-esteem and happiness. Instead of exposing themselves to an admiring audience or basking in the glow of someone else’s approval, malignant narcissists derive sadistic pleasure from controlling and harming others.
Note: I use the terms “narcissist” or “narcissistic” as a shorthand way to refer to people who exhibit the pattern of thinking and behavior commonly diagnosed as narcissistic personality disorder.
Some malignant narcissists are subtly destructive.
Example: Sweet Aunt Sally
Jenna’s elderly Aunt Sally seemed like a nice, harmless old lady. But somehow, every time Jenna visited her, she felt depressed and bad about herself. It wasn’t until she brought her friend Mary with her to visit her aunt, that she finally discovered how malicious her aunt was. “Mary, a big girl like you should never wear horizontal stripes,” said her aunt. If you want to get married, you need to lose some weight. More cookies, baby?”
Every Monday morning, Jack’s boss would hold a meeting. Go around the room and ask each person to talk about some mistake they made the previous week and what they should have done instead. He said the purpose of the meeting was to improve their work by learning from each other’s failures. Instead, everyone felt humiliated, insecure, and came to hate Monday morning. Jack noticed that when everyone in the meeting started to look more depressed, his boss seemed happier and happier.
Some malignant narcissists are more overt.
Example: James and his blanket
My client James was talking during therapy about an old blanket he had become very attached to as a child. When I asked him if he still had it, he said it was sitting unused in a closet at his father’s house. She asked him why he didn’t go get it if he loved it so much. I will never forget his answer.
“If I tell my father I value it, he’ll get rid of it. I have to find another way to get it.”
Related : How To Spot and Stop Narcissists
As I learned more about James’s early life, the overarching story became emblematic of their entire relationship. Whenever James showed he cared about something, his father would find a way to destroy it. He gave away James’ dog while he was at camp, refused to let James go with the rest of his class on their trip to Washington, D.C., and on James’ birthday, made sure when he cut the cake that he never gave anything away. Pieces with Buttercream Flowers by James.
What type of person attracts malignant narcissists?
Most malignant narcissists I’ve met seem to enjoy tormenting insecure people. They are basically bullies. If you are not insecure to begin with, they will try to make you insecure.
what do I mean?
They are often very good at identifying people’s weaknesses and exploiting them, and even the strongest of us have weaknesses.
Here are some examples of two highly manipulative malignant narcissists and their attempts to make their therapists as insecure and uncomfortable as possible. The first example is of an overt malignant narcissist and the other is of a covert malignant narcissist.
Example 1: Paresthesia
This client came in for his first session. His current problem was that he could not maintain romantic relationships with women because he lost all interest in the person right after he had sex with her. He said he realized that this would hinder his marriage and starting a family.
I invited him to sit and told him where I would sit: a large armchair. I said: Feel free to sit wherever you want. He said, “Really? Wherever I want?” Then he pulled out a chair right across from me, moved it very close to me, put his feet on the ottoman next to mine, and smiled.
It was clear that he wanted to make me feel uncomfortable and this was a test of sorts. The truth is that he succeeded in surprising and confusing me, which is exactly what he intended.
I asked him to put his chair back and tell me about his recent relationships. Here is a short version of what he said:
I like to sexually humiliate women. I especially enjoy doing this with the girl who rejected me in high school because she wasn’t good enough yet. I am a fashion photographer and young models come to audition for me in the hope that I will use them in a photo shoot.
I like to make them strip naked and have them pose in ways that I hope will embarrass them – like on their hands and knees with their butts in the air. Then I make them have sex with me. They rarely say no because I lead them to believe it will get them the job.
I like to hurt them during sex and make them do kinky things they don’t like. Once we’re done, I tell them they’re ugly, useless, and not good enough. They usually cry at this point, which I really enjoy! Then kick them out!
Related : Not Everyone Loves a Narcissist
Then he looked at me, smiled, and said: “What do you think? Is there a chance you can help me?”
It was clear to both of us that he wanted to see how uncomfortable I was by telling me this. We did a few therapy sessions after that, but he left and never came back after I confronted him very frankly about how his attempts to control our sessions by making me feel uncomfortable were sabotaging his therapy.
Example 2: The victim
A very skilled and experienced colleague came to me to supervise because he said:
I’m losing my confidence. I have an elderly client, and she gets under my skin. I feel incredibly unsafe during her sessions, and I don’t know what’s going on.
I asked him to tell me when this started. He said:
Well…I’ve had a few sessions with her. She presented herself as a victim. She was always complaining about how badly people treated her, especially her adult children. At first I was sympathetic.
Then she came to her session and told me that I was mean to her in her last session. I was very surprised. I’m proud of myself for bringing in a nice guy, and I wouldn’t intentionally be mean to a client.
I asked her to give me an example of how mean I was, and she told me it was because of the tone of my voice. She said I was being too harsh and disapproving. I didn’t really think I was like that and I told her so. I suggested that you record our sessions going forward and then play the clips where I was being mean.
I agreed because I was pretty sure she was just imagining it. But she started replaying clips and pointing out small errors on my part. She kept playing one clip over and over where she looked rather angry, but nothing even most of the customers noticed.
I began to frequent her sessions and they eventually became very ineffective. I know I’ve fallen into some kind of trap, but I honestly have no idea how to get out of it.
Fortunately, I’d seen this kind of thing before and had a simple solution. The client has shifted the focus of the session from presenting problems to minor defects. She tells him he needs to refocus treatment on her. In essence, I suggested he say something like the following:
I know you came to therapy to work on your issues, but I realize that we have gotten off track and that your sessions now focus solely on my flaws as a person and therapist. I think we need to get back to focusing on you. You didn’t come to therapy to make me better, but because you weren’t happy with your relationships outside of therapy.
As it turned out, she actually wasn’t interested in focusing on herself or her role in creating her relationship problems. Once this therapist stopped letting her put him under the microscope, she stopped therapy.
