I have read hundreds of articles.
I’ve completed more checklists than Martha Stewart.
But you keep wondering… Am I 100% dealing with a narcissist?
What if they are a narcissist only part of the time?
What if they need a special kind of love and devotion?
This is the number one question I see out there regarding recovery from narcissistic abuse. And for good reason. Narcissists are masters of charades, making you believe that with any wrong move, you are taking away all chances of keeping them in your life.
They make you 100% suspect that they are a narcissist, which makes it very difficult to separate them from the situation and do what is best for you and your future.
In today’s video and article, I’m going to answer a burning question I see all over the internet which is, How can I be 100% sure someone is a narcissist?
What is it like to be a 100% narcissist?
Looking back in history, even the most egregious serial killers weren’t always 100% bad, so we can’t really come to terms with the fact that sometimes, it seems, someone out there is kind or a bit nice.
Narcissists have all kinds of tricks up their bag that they use to trick you into thinking that maybe they are just a tortured soul that needs a special kind of love and understanding. This is why it is known that narcissists tend to prey on empathetic people, or empaths, because empaths who have not yet successfully enforced their boundaries or learned how to protect their energy are often easier targets for narcissistic people.
And by the way, there was no judgment because I’ve been this way for most of my life.
I have since learned to set boundaries against anything that saps my energy. And in situations where I need to be there for someone, I’ve learned how to protect my energy, ground myself, and how to cleanse and purify my aura, or energy field, afterwards.
But, what is it like to be a 100% narcissist?
There is no way to find out. I think the reason a lot of people get confused is when they go through checklists – and there are some good ones and there are some not-so-good ones out there. I generally recommend using the DSM criteria, but this is just scratching the surface because it doesn’t really tell you how to use these particular traits to abuse people. It just says how they are.
So if you’re looking at someone and trying to figure out if they’re really a narcissist or if they’re 100 percent narcissistic, it doesn’t really matter.
We don’t need to stick a label on someone to justify leaving a narcissistic relationship
This applies to any type of relationship, whether it is a romantic relationship, a friend, a family member, or a co-worker. Sometimes, unfortunately, people have to break free from their family members.
Just because someone showed moments of kindness or concern does not mean they were sincere during those times.
It also doesn’t mean that just because they were cute last week when they made you a pasta dinner, they aren’t abusive narcissists. Many narcissists are so generous, caring, and considerate that you start trying to set boundaries or even start pointing out the things they do. The reason they are angry is because they want to require you not to mention that they were cruel or abusive.I’ve seen stories where a woman is in the hospital delivering her baby and the narcissist doesn’t even show up at birth. They’re trying to extract another narcissist’s supply or maybe they’re grooming someone, and they can’t be bothered with something like the birth of a child, not even their own.
This is how indifferent and truly uncaring narcissists can be.
One thing narcissists are very consistent about is the fact that they can be very callous, indifferent, unkind, and uncaring.
Therefore, we don’t want to keep wondering why a narcissist does the things that he does because all you have to do is google and you will find out exactly what causes him to act the way he does.
Narcissists find it extremely inappropriate to have to take care of someone or be there for someone.
I’ve had experience with this myself.
Again before I had my third son. I had a polyp, an ovarian tumor. Fortunately, it turned out to be benign, but I had to remove it. I was barely out of anesthesia, just waking up from unconsciousness during surgery and my ex was sitting, going through my wallet, checking everything I had in there, and asking, “Why is your friend, Betty, not here?” “
“Do you think your friend likes you? Well, where is she? I don’t see her anywhere. I told you she’s not a good friend.”
Instead of being there for me, he would invade my privacy by going through my wallet and then trying to convince me that my boyfriend didn’t care about me. He was so cruel that his sister, who was also present at the time, had to tell him to stop.
The one thing you should never expect is a narcissist to be there for you during your time of need. Even if you are diagnosed with a terminal health condition. This means nothing to them.
What you should expect from them is to be indifferent and indifferent to your suffering, pain, and fear.
This is one of those times when you don’t want to look for an iota of humanity within the narcissistic individual.
Another reason narcissists behave this way is that when you are sick, people will pay attention to you and will give you their focus, time, and care.
And what happens when people give you that? He usually takes these things away from the narcissist. They are no longer the center of attention, which you know because you think you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s very important to them.
Narcissists want all the attention on them. They don’t want others to get attention. In their minds, there is only so much interest to run around in, and so if it comes to anyone, it has to be on them.
Think of it this way, thinking or expecting a narcissist to care about you or be there for you when you’re in a vulnerable situation — like receiving a very worrying health diagnosis — is like putting a small duck in a lion’s den and expecting it to happen. The lion does not eat it.
This is the nature of the lion. You can’t do that and think, “Oh, this time things could be different.”
First of all, you don’t want to take such chances because, metaphorically, you’re the little duck and the narcissist is the lion.
We need to start looking at patterns of behavior. We need to accept the fact that the narcissist doesn’t care and there is absolutely nothing that you, me, or anyone else can do.
What that might look like in practical proceedings is if someone lied to you over and over again, or if someone was unfaithful to you so many times, kept making promises that they would stop, and then you found out they never stopped, or maybe they are very verbally and emotionally abusive and do That’s especially when they’re just the two of you and you’re alone together.
Some of the more garden-variety types of narcissists don’t care about their appearance, so they may act rather stupid just by checking out the grocery store with you. They may say things that are not really acceptable to you in front of someone. Usually, it is the person the narcissist considers to be “less” than he is. In these cases, they may feel more comfortable showing their true colors, and in fact, it makes you feel self-conscious.
But not all narcissists do this.
Often they are like a pillar of their community. They might do a lot of volunteer work, which is called an altruistic narcissist, but behind closed doors, you get this really weird feeling from them, and that’s when they get comfortable with verbal and emotional abuse. This is where they tend to embarrass you. Therefore, we do not need a label in order to break free from a relationship.
How does your relationship make you feel on a regular basis?
I like to compare the dynamics of the weather-climate relationship. What is the climate of your relationship? Do you have mostly sunny skies, maybe a little wind a few times a month, and maybe a tsunami a few times a year? Then things are resolved in a respectful and mutual way? Everyone calms down and gets back together as friends and respectful partners, or whatever the case may be?
But if it’s the other way around, if there are volcanoes erupting every day, you’re constantly putting out fires, and there’s tsunamis and hurricanes going on all the time, but you’ve had a day or two during the month where things seem a little smooth, you don’t want to focus on both days. This is how we get ourselves into trouble when we are not really able to look at the reality of the situation.
So if someone is really awful, 90% of the time, you don’t want to focus on the 10% because the thing you have to keep in mind is that most of the time the nice times the narcissist looks like they’re being nice or considerate or generous, This is an integral part of abuse. This is what causes cognitive dissonance. This is what makes you doubt yourself and doubt whether or not they are being abusive.
It relates to intermittent reinforcement, or as I like to call it, the cycle of hurt and rescue.
They go on with you and do really hurtful things. They give you the silent narcissist treatment. They lie, they cheat, and then all of a sudden, “Come back baby. I just can’t make it without you. You’re in my blood. I can’t imagine my life without you. Come back please. I promised things would be different this time. I promise I’ll treat you the way you deserve.” “.
Does this sound familiar? Maybe he does. Now, there is a small percentage of narcissistic people who don’t do the romantic hoover, but most do because as empathetic or empathetic and caring people want to be able to see and believe there is the good in everyone, but that’s not always the case.
If you’ve ever heard me talk about cognitive empathy, or maybe you’ve read one of my articles that I wrote about it, cognitive empathy is a very dangerous type of empathy that narcissists use to get into your head, find out what your deepest dreams and desires are and also your deepest fears – your deepest wounds – even They know better how to hurt you. Cognitive empathy is used by executioners, cult leaders, and even car salesmen.
So, when you think a narcissist is cute or sweet, it’s usually a charade. You definitely want to keep this in mind. So the question is not are they 100% narcissistic? The question should be, How do I feel inside this relationship on a regular basis? What is the climate of the relationship?
Someone who really cares about you won’t try to shame you. Another way you can gauge whether someone is displaying narcissistic traits is if things were very romantic, fun, exciting, adventurous at the beginning of the relationship and you felt like you had this connection you never felt with anyone else.
That lasted maybe three to six months or so. Then, all of a sudden, the little digs about your appearance, the way you dress. You may gain a few pounds, and a person who truly cares about you and considers you a friend or lover will not make you feel ashamed. Some may feel close to you. Maybe they feel that when you gain a few pounds, it means you’re happy in the relationship… and that happens a lot. This is one of the things narcissists don’t want you to know.
A relationship with a narcissist is fun, exciting, and wonderful…at first
But as time goes by, you feel less of yourself, you feel less confident, you feel less attractive and even less intelligent. You start to feel like the people you’ve known your whole life are suddenly looking at you in a different light.
Now that may be true. There may be some people close to you who look at you when you talk about your relationship and say, “Oh my God, I can’t even believe you’re telling me that!” And maybe you act like you can’t really tell if it’s really bad and your boyfriend is looking at you like, “Whaaaaat??”
This means that you are beginning to normalize the abuse and normalize the dysfunction. This is a dynamic blueprint for a narcissistic relationship.
By contrast, in a regular relationship with a non-stressful person, the beginning of the relationship may be pleasant, but you may not have a connection right away. It may take some time to form a friendship and then with time, you will feel more comfortable with this person. You feel better about opening up. They don’t make fun of you, and they don’t use your deepest fears, desires, dreams, and wishes against you.
They don’t use the things you said to them as ammunition to destroy you. These are the things you really want to focus on. Not 100% whether someone is a narcissist.
Look at someone like Hitler. Reflect on the things he did, but reportedly did not drink alcohol. There are many different theories and stories, but according to one of his personal assistants, he didn’t even eat meat. He did not like slaughtering animals.
These are the things you should look at instead of focusing on whether someone is 100% a narcissist. Because someone may appear to have one or two good traits that do not make them a good person. Start tracking and monitoring the climate of your relationship just as you would the weather. Then after a few weeks, sit down and find out the truth of the situation?
Have you begun to normalize abusive behaviors? Are you trying to make excuses and justify someone’s bad behaviors towards you because you have the dream, the desire for the relationship to work out somehow?
Yes, we have to deal with the bonding of trauma. We have to deal with biochemical addictions. This is what makes leaving so difficult. But once you get out and start to heal, you’ll start to realize that everything was lies and chaos and basically your circus.
After watching this video, if you feel like your relationship is toxic, be sure to check out the links in the description box below because I’ve included a lot of really helpful links to help you start moving on, break up from painful relationships, and begin the healing stages after narcissistic abuse.
It is not so important to determine with absolute certainty that a person is “100% narcissistic.” Every abuse is abuse, and the only thing worse than abuse is wasting another day of your life dealing with a narcissist.
