Many people attend counseling because they are trying to recover from a relationship with a narcissist. After spending so much time reassembling their shattered sense of self, it’s natural for a person to be afraid to dive back into the dating pool. The prospect of encountering another narcissist is terrifying. However, spotting the early warning signs can protect a person.
At first, a narcissist is adept at creating an image of himself that is very different from reality. Often, a narcissist only slowly shows his true colors once a person has invested in the relationship. However, by then, it may be too late. After committing and already convinced that he is the problem, not the narcissist, the person falls into a trap.
So how can a person see through a narcissist’s facade to avoid getting involved in a toxic relationship? Eight warning signs can help you recognize a narcissist before you decide to make a serious commitment. When considering these points, try not to rush to judgment or take them as absolutes. Instead, think carefully about these concepts. They may help uncover personality traits that point to future problems.
- The person’s actions do not match their words. For example, let’s say someone brags about being financially smart, but two weeks later they need to borrow money, or brags about being good with children but treats the child harshly. It’s easy to justify these behaviors as the result of a bad day or an isolated incident, but if the trend of talking but not acting continues, it could be a sign of narcissism. Narcissists often lack self-awareness and insight, so they don’t recognize the disconnect between their self-perception and their actual behavior.
- He or she is “cooler than school.” A healthy desire to be liked and accepted is normal, but the narcissist sometimes needs to be seen as “cool.” The narcissist often enjoys being the center of attention and must be in control of social situations. This satisfies the ego and feeds the narcissist’s vanity.
- The narcissist oscillates between kindness and indifference. If a person begins to notice the narcissist’s manipulations, the narcissist may withdraw into extreme compliments. This keeps the individual off the narcissist’s path. It also keeps the person in the relationship, because he or she longs to regain his or her prestige after the narcissist has devalued him or her.
- He has a desire to be seen as deep. The narcissist often desperately wants to be seen as deep, so it is common to adopt his passions, hobbies, and relationships as more important than those of others. For example, a narcissist might spend $800 on a concert ticket to show off his passion for music, so he can appear superior to others.
- The individual “constantly throws people under the bus.” Sometimes venting to a trusted person in private is healthy and necessary. However, the narcissist constantly talks about friends and family when they are not present. He takes opportunities in front of an “audience” to gossip about someone behind his or her back. Deflection and projection are several defense mechanisms that come into play when the narcissist is trying to discredit someone he or she is jealous of.
- He or she makes indirect comments. Narcissists routinely disguise their hurtful feelings as a compliment or a joke. However, these comments sting and linger in the recipient’s head for days. An example of this is, “You would be so successful if you were more organized.” Indirect statements are a way for narcissists to subtly erode their partner’s self-esteem. By making someone feel small, they feel bigger. Many therapists refer to this as projective identification.
- The individual often takes on the position of the victim. The narcissist acts as if aspects of his or her life are more difficult than anyone else’s, and gains sympathy and resources easily. If a person is on the receiving end of a constant stream of sad stories, they may be with a narcissist.
- Minor disagreements often turn into violent fights. The narcissist is often unable to take real responsibility for his or her behavior, which leads to distorting the situation to blame the other person. By unconsciously changing their version of reality, the narcissist sees themselves as the victim and their partner as the villain. Because the interaction is viewed through a distorted lens, the narcissist accuses the other person of doing what they are doing. For example, the narcissist often attacks their partner for being a narcissist.
If a person recognizes these emotionally abusive tendencies, they may hope that the narcissist can or will change. Unfortunately, because of the narcissist’s lack of insight, inability to integrate honest accountability, and distorted version of reality, it can be difficult for them to grow and mature. Counting on the narcissist to change can be counterproductive.
It is important to take red flags seriously. In isolation, they are easy to tolerate, but over time, if they persist, a person may discover a pattern of unhealthy relationships. Listening to your gut is crucial, because a narcissist may not show their true colors until the other person is invested in them. Once a narcissist have gained their partner’s complete trust, they may slowly begin to display emotionally abusive tendencies, but by then it may be too late. The person dating the narcissist may be desperate for the relationship to work, so they apologize, justify, remove boundaries, make sacrifices, and appease. The narcissist exploits this selflessness, demanding more and giving less until they have almost complete control. Therefore, a thoughtful and thoughtful evaluation of the relationship is crucial. Ending the relationship before too much damage is done may be the key.
