You won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are skilled at making people love them. She can be very attractive, charming and sexy to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see their beloved peel. In a dating situation, a narcissist has a greater incentive to win you over — unfortunately, sometimes even at the altar.
Narcissists are often physically attractive, charismatic, and sexually attractive. We are attracted to their intelligence, entertaining personality, special talents, or professional success. Their company can be fun and never boring.
Dating as a game
Although some narcissists are looking for long-term relationships, others are very experienced at playing games. Their goal is to win. “Better to chase than to catch.” Their goal is to gain admiration and have their sexual needs met with little emotional investment. Relationships are transactional and it works for her as long as she gets her narcissistic supplies. The closer you get, the more evasive they become. They want their options to be open with multiple sources to meet their endless display needs. They check out other potential clients and flirt right in front of you.
Although narcissists lack empathy, they possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions. This enhances their experience as manipulators. They are skilled at deception to achieve their goals, sometimes consciously, but other times, it’s just their style. Maybe they think they are being honest. Although they are actually selfish and emotionally unavailable, in the beginning they can be generous and good listeners. They may appear to be at risk by sharing personal and intimate information. This is the tactic of their seduction strategy. Their manipulative tactics include flirtation, flattery, and subtlety.
Narcissistic women are flirtatious and can charm men with their beauty and sex appeal. They then play cat and mouse, incite jealousy, or act careless to lure men into pursuing them. Narcissistic men are often seduced by lavish gifts, fine food, and an upscale lifestyle. Some narcissists practice love bombing, lavishing their partners with attention with verbal, physical, and material expressions of “love” that are difficult to resist.
Dating is about the narcissist
It is natural to idealize our partner in the romantic phase of a relationship. Unfortunately, for those of us who feel lonely, depressed, or codependent, idealism can fuel our denial of the red flags that should be warning us to stop working. It is also normal when we fall in love to want to spend a lot of time with our partner. We may appreciate a man who plans a great evening or a woman who knows what she wants, and be happy to move on.
We do not notice that the relationship develops on the narcissist’s terms. While we seek to please them, for them compromise is a painful loss of power. If we complain, they may act insulted and say that they do everything for us, but they don’t bother to ask what we want. They like to be in control, and before we know it, we’ve allowed them to control when, where, what we do, and with whom. At first we walked together for the sake of being together, but later out of fear. This is especially risky for codependent people who easily give up on themselves, their friends, and their activities in new relationships.
Normal codependent behavior does not object to the narcissist’s decisions and opinions. In the early stages of dating, we may not express anything that might negatively impact the relationship so as not to rock the boat. When we hesitate to disagree and not express disappointment, upset, or hurt feelings, we gradually disappear and, like Echo, we only repeat what the narcissist thinks and wants to hear. We don’t let him know the negative impact of his behavior, so he has no incentive to change. Internalizing the narcissist feeds their supply and makes codependents and narcissists a perfect match.
What are you looking for
Of course, it’s their positive qualities, not negative, that make us fall in love, but if we’re dating someone with narcissistic personality disorder, they won’t be able to hide their true colors for long. Some narcissists openly admit that they have difficulty with relationships or intimacy. Believed them. Even clients who say their spouses completely changed after the wedding admit to having telltale signs early on, once they learned more about narcissism and themselves. For example, narcissists are often strong. They work hard to make you like them in order to satisfy their needs instead of building a relationship based on knowing you, which doesn’t matter to them.
It is common for narcissists to have temper tantrums. A small disagreement can quickly develop into a major conflict. They will not take responsibility. Everything is someone else’s fault, and that includes us. But even if they treat you great, notice if they are denigrating their ex, acting out, being reckless, manipulative, or insulting others. Suppose one day you will be on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. Don’t excuse bad behavior towards yourself or others. It’s a pattern.
At first, we are impressed by their achievements, their stories and their fun banter. As time goes by, it’s clear that the conversation is turning around them. Being a good listener is an asset, but with a narcissist, it ensures we are not heard or seen. Some narcissists are dogmatic. They should always be right and will not listen to a different opinion. If we’re honest with ourselves, they don’t seem really interested in us, except long enough to satisfy their sexual and emotional needs. Notice if you feel disconnected, unable to show up, engaged in, or drained by the conversation.
Soon the narcissist will discover our mistake or tell us how we should act, dress, eat, or change in some way. Perfectionist narcissists are the hardest. For example, a narcissistic woman may try to change her husband’s appearance and tell him how to dress. A narcissistic man may focus on his girlfriend’s physical appearance. If we express hurt, narcissists will say they are helping us or that we are too sensitive. At first, we may ignore criticism, especially if it is directed in an annoying or calm way and we have been abused in the past or have low self-esteem. Over time, insulting remarks will become more frequent, public, and harsh.
When control is intense, narcissists may question us about our relationships and other conversations with family, therapist, and friends. They may insist that we dress and act a certain way and try to limit our contacts and activities.
A true narcissist lacks empathy. We end up feeling like we don’t matter and that our needs and feelings don’t matter. If when we share something that is sad or important to us, our partner does not show appropriate emotional responses, this may indicate a lack of empathy.
Relationships with narcissists pose a challenge for codependent people, because symptoms of codependency present obstacles to recognizing these warning signs. Our low self-esteem, desire to please, and denial of our own needs and feelings make a relationship with a narcissist seem familiar and comfortable… for a while. This may be because we had an abusive parent who did not value our needs and feelings. Codependency therapy will help us change these relationship dynamics so we can receive true love.
