Are You Codependent? 3 Ways To Overcome Codependency

Have you reached a point where obvious patterns and behavior have become so painful, embarrassing, and destructive you start to lose hope? And because you don’t know how to get out of the cycle, you accept that your intuition will never be something that you will have the self-esteem to make friends and act on. All you know how to do is use your intuition down to nothing and turn a blind eye by self-blame. I know I’ve been there. But for most of my life, every time I thought I had reached the point of intuitively putting close friends, I would somehow find myself in a completely different situation with the same damn outcome: heartbreak, unnecessary drama, insecurity, jealousy, lies, blaming myself for everything, and being crazy. Years later, I discovered that these symptoms of my relationships were all signs of codependency.

“Am I Certified?”I thought. I didn’t even know what codependency is. All I knew was that I was in pain. Overcome by this kind of pain, you become convinced that without a toxic partner to save you, you will never find a way out.

If the healing of your pain depends entirely on the decisions, actions, and behaviors of others, then you completely exclude yourself from being an active participant in your healing (and life). By doing this, you communicate to the universe that you are more comfortable being in a codependent relationship (with your triggers, the cynical audience in your head, and other people) than you are dealing with your codependent personality.

To me, the idea of overcoming codependency seemed much better than actually getting better.

The improvement was very scary. I didn’t know where to even start sorting myself out.

Denial and avoidance were much easier.

And since the universe has a way of always returning to us what we set, I kept getting more and more of the same. At that point, I had been giving up on myself for a long time, my life had become nothing more than a micromanagement of “Please don’t give up on me,” of every relationship I had and every opportunity In the end, I was ruined.

I was too hungry for validation; too busy trying to secure acceptance, there was no room for real connection or meaning in my relationships – starting with the one I had with myself. And as long as you don’t know who you are, you will always look at toxic people/bankrupt sources to tell you who they are and what you deserve.

This has been my reality for more than 20 years of my life. Wash, rinse and humiliate, repeat.
What is codependency?

Codependent relationships are always one-sided. They have absolute highs and absolute lows. Although these relationships can feel very intimate (because the “US against the world” mentality is necessary for survival), they are the opposite of what true intimacy is all about.

The dictionary defines codependency as ” excessive (and unhealthy) emotional dependence on a partner.”It’s when you sacrifice your own needs and your mental health to serve their needs and feel responsible for their behavior. In your slavery, you live outside yourself but are always able to quickly shift gears and make your partner’s behavior all about you; how are you somehow, never enough?

Codependency is a place where one (dysfunctional) person enables another (dysfunctional) person of poor mental health, addiction, narcissism, immaturity, irresponsibility, gaslighting, sociopathy, avoidance, etc.

Signs of dependence on others

Whether it is a dependent marriage, friendship, romantic relationship, or family relationship, the key to knowing how to overcome codependency is to be able to recognize these things within yourself.

All this was mine…

The disease to please people please sitting ducks to depend on others. Prefer to do what you think will get the most validation/approval rather than following your intuition. Codependents like to listen to their hearts, libido, and anything but their intuition.
Desire When I was dependent on others, I didn't feel like I had any value without someone in my life who needed me. This leads to the destructive (and incorrect) assumption that most sufferers of codependency live by need = desire. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are so needy for ourselves, we begin to assume that just because someone needs us, it must mean that they want us. There is a big difference. Why do we go to people who need us? As I said before, it's like taking an insurance policy sh*t out to give it up. As long as we are with someone who needs us (and then, uses/mops us because we people please), we convince ourselves that we will never be abandoned because, well, we need. This need/desire for confusion predisposes you to relationships with emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, sociopathic, and sympathetically bankrupt (toxic) types. When you confuse the need to be wanted, you project your low self-esteem onto others, forgetting that it will always bounce back in your face.
Like attracts like Who would fall in love with, be blind to red flags, make excuses for, and continue a relationship with someone dependent on others other than others? One person in a relationship is generally based on satisfaction/supply, while the other is based on "nutrition"/consumption. One is an ATM, the other is a cardholder. They both rely on each other to complete the transaction transaction that is automated by not dealing with trauma and devoid of any intimacy, real connection, or meaning.  What is left for you when you have an unhealthy dependence on relationships? Abuse of power is two people who cannot stand on two emotional feet because they cannot be individuals. They are just addicts addicted to production and consumption. Guess what? You're better than that. Codependency is a strain of despair that does not allow healthy communication, the implementation of boundaries, and the ability to trust yourself or your partner. Codependency is all about trying to save the day. Codependents want to protect and" protect " people from suffering from the emotional distress they feel every hour. They like to be an emotional unit of the Red Cross for the victims. They also try to protect others from experiencing any consequences for their behavior because the dependent feels very guilty. And therein lies the inability to hold their partner accountable for their actions.
Chaos and complexity instead of continuing to ask "Am I dependent on others? Do I get caught up in (or create) unnecessary drama and chaos, so I don't have to deal with a bigger problem (my inability to have a romantic life of my own, call my shots, and deal with my lack of self-love)?”
You are an emotional cutter who truly believes that you know exactly what is best for others and feels abandoned and rejected when they don't take your advice. You can do this because as long as you can control others, you won't have to deal with the most terrifying quest to control the one thing that is getting out of control: yourself. That is why a lot of people who suffer from codependency have OCD. They need to control everyone and everything because they are afraid. They do not know how to control themselves and their lives. They can never take their advice.
The fear of inadequacy is the root of codependency. Acting from a place of fear makes it impossible to impose boundaries and develop self-love. Living in fear (which eventually turns into shameful anger), and mobilizing it until an explosion occurs, shows dependence on others. Dependent individuals feel very isolated. Because of this, their default position is to place pedestals for others while at the same time removing the pedestals themselves. They are also very upset with authority figures because these people embody everything that they feel they could never be.

How to stop being dependent on others now

Take an inventory (and fire accordingly) take an inventory of the people in your life who need you versus the people who want you. Remember you are the CEO who decides to shoot the individuals in your life that drain you. How can you shoot them? Talk with your dignified actions and stay on your white horse. If you can't think of anyone in your life who wants you, start wanting a relationship with yourself and work to make it happen. You will eventually begin to attract people who want to get to know you (you are the real one – not the weak, people-pleasing person who turns you into dependent on others).
Set your standards (instead of letting others set them for you). Wherever you set your criteria is exactly where the universe will meet you. At enough point is enough? Don't ever be so desperate for "someone," that you allow your standards to be negotiated down. Everyone needs boundaries. What are yours?
Be aware of the mechanism once you commit to overcoming interdependence within yourself and your relationships, know that it will* show up * somewhere else because it's all you know. This leads to your biggest problem: the codependent relationship you have with your fears. If you are dependent on others, fear needs you to exist and you need fear to have you exist. I spent most of my life acting from a place of fear. And as scary as taking action to get my back, I ended up meeting my soul mate. I am.

I realized that I was the only one who knew all my secrets; the only one who was there through it all.

You are the only one who knows every iota of pain. And despite all the humiliation, insecurity, blame, shame, and drama that I have inflicted and endured over the years…

My heart was still beating.

At that moment, I realized that I had never given up on myself – even when I was convinced that I had done it. You were still here, next to me.

If that’s not the definition of a best friend and soulmate, I’m not sure what is.

Once you identify yourself as your soul mate, you will stop relying on someone else to label you as theirs.