We’ve all encountered insensitive talkers who dominate conversations with excessive chatter and poor listening skills. But if you’re regularly subjected to attempts to bend your ear under the guise of “conversation,” you may be dealing with the soul-destroying verbal bullying of a narcissistic monologue.

Not all narcissists engage in outright verbal dominance, but those who do can be relentless in their insistence on being heard with little or no reciprocity. Narcissistic monologues can range from charming comedy to academic lectures to endless stories about people you’ve never met and places you’ve never been. But whatever the subject matter and the narcissist’s style, the conversation quickly devolves into a one-man show of excessive talk, superiority, and boredom or irritation when you try to talk.

BoundaryBreaching

Humans are social, cooperative creatures designed to give and take in conversation as a form of sharing, cooperation, and building trust and intimacy. Those of us who have emotional empathy and a healthy balance of self-esteem and humility look for points of connection with others rather than opportunities to dominate.

When our expectations of respect and reciprocity are violated, we may find ourselves trying hard to create understanding by laughing when we’re not amused or agreeing when we don’t agree. Then, we may feel lost and degraded and wonder why, perhaps blaming ourselves for not being interesting or strong enough to stand up for our principles in conversation. On reflection, we may feel insulted or angry, as if we’ve been wrestled to the ground with a sock in our mouth when we thought we were talking to a colleague, friend, parent, or partner.

In reality, the reality is that in the complex language of human interaction, we have been outmaneuvered and invalidated. Narcissists have used us as mirrors to brag about and objects to dominate, not as people to form a relationship with.

Why They Do It

Whether they’re wooing you with seductive smiles, winking at you with exaggerated theatrics, or pinning you to the wall with tense intensity, loudmouthed narcissists know what they’re doing and will continue to demand your undivided attention and acquiescence as long as you let them.

They do it because

They want control;

They need attention;

They see themselves as experts;

They feel entitled to talk more;

They don’t care what you say unless it’s about them;

They think they’re above the rules of fairness and reciprocity;

And they feel powerful enough to make you submit.

How to deal with it

You probably won’t get the narcissist in your life to listen to you. The ability to truly share and care is a developmental milestone that a controlling narcissist lacked in childhood.

For your sanity and self-esteem, it’s best to recognize what you’re dealing with and walk away from a power struggle that you’ll never “win” and never signed up for in the first place.

If the narcissist is someone you can avoid, that’s even better. If it’s someone close to you, it’s time to consider whether the relationship is worth the uncomfortable experience of routine bullying that makes you submit silently.