By definition, if you’re asking this question, you’re self-reflecting in a way that someone with narcissistic personality disorder likely wouldn’t be. However, the story is not that simple. First, we are all narcissists, so the key is to learn how to be happy with yourself anyway. And secondly, it’s healthy! what do I mean? Well, we all need a strong sense of ourselves, confidence, a sense of our talents and abilities, and the courage to try new things, all of which come from healthy narcissistic development. Our narcissistic development strongly influences how we feel in relationships, whether we feel safe, loved, able to handle conflict, and especially whether we have good boundaries.
Psychologists talk about the “narcissistic streak of development,” which is a fancy way of saying that we all start out feeling, necessarily, like the center of the world (by the way, this is to make up for how terrifying it is) “being a little kid and completely dependent on the adults in our lives to keep us alive. I mean.” Really, think about it – it’s a healthy defense!) and that we slowly develop this narcissistic outlook into something adaptable into adulthood.
As children we have a self-centered view of the world. When good things happen, we implicitly feel that we have done a good job! When bad things happen, we feel like we have failed or that we are not loved. We feel omnipotent and powerful – which is both great and terrifying at the same time. Feeling good is great, but our bad feelings can destroy us or someone we love! We also feel that our parents are fundamentally capable, like gods!
Related : YIKES: The Toxic Relationship Between A Narcissist And An Empath
Over time, this “narcissistic line of development” changes and grows. We gradually come to terms with our weaknesses, skills, talents, hopes and dreams. We realize that we cannot do everything, that we may fail sometimes, that we cannot and do not control everything, but we have a reasonable sense of hope that we can dream, strive, and achieve. We develop a healthy way to evaluate risk, success, failure, and trust in experience. Likewise, we gradually reckon with the humanity of our parents. Yes, they say stupid things, make mistakes, and are late sometimes. But if all goes well, they are “good enough” – not divine and infallible, but still respectable and somewhat great. We still strive to be like them in some ways, yet we differentiate between our values and our personality.
If all goes well, we’ll end up with a fairly balanced sense of ourselves. We have a “healthy level of narcissism”: we also feel that we are “good enough” – not perfect, but good enough. In other words, we have dreams, ideals, hopes, aspirations, and a desire to pursue them because we fundamentally believe we can and deserve it just as much as anyone else. It takes a fair amount of narcissism to believe we’re capable of doing something big, but we all know it: start a new company, be the first in your family to go to college, have a family, win a race, climb a mountain.
When this development doesn’t go well, it can go wrong in one of two ways. On the one hand, we can reduce the power and control we have. We feel like a victim. We can’t dream, strive, and chase after the promotion, appointment, or vacation we want. We are basically exhausted inside. This may be accompanied by feelings of emptiness, depression, hopelessness, or low self-esteem.
On the other hand, we can overestimate our control and power. We can feel overly responsible and affected by things that happen in our world, as if we are responsible for everything! This can especially affect the ease of our relationships – if you feel responsible for every other person’s feelings, that’s a huge burden – and one that you may be striving to avoid. Or we can feel better than others, overestimate our talents, and underestimate our need for others. We can feel invincible, entitled, or in need of a lot of attention. Or, at the level of narcissism, we can completely lose our sense of empathy for others or our ability to see others as individuals with rights. Yes, these are the characteristics of a diagnosable “narcissistic personality disorder.”
While most of us don’t fall into this category, we all have something to learn from thinking about where we stand on this spectrum. Do you have a little narcissism? Too little sense of power, too little dreams, too little hope, feeling like a victim? Or do you have a lot? Do you tend to perceive things in terms of how they affect you without regard to others? Do you feel overly responsible or overconfident and are often surprised when things don’t go your way or when your dreams don’t become a reality? Do you feel prevented from getting close to others because it makes you feel vaguely or overwhelmingly threatening?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re likely oscillating between the two poles. Narcissism is essential to who we are and how we live in a larger world. It is necessary, but dangerous if it is out of control or unbalanced. Want to know more? Do you need help talking to someone who is unbalanced in this regard? Do you feel confused about your sense of self? Don’t hesitate to reach out for help. This is a normal part of life, and we are happy to make positive changes. When our sense of self is healthy and balanced, we feel more grounded in the world, better able to handle life’s inevitable vicissitudes like a ship threshing at sea. We feel more secure in our relationships, and feel less threatened by conflict, intimacy, or loss. If you are thinking about your narcissistic development, or have noticed any of these signs, therapy can help you identify ways in which you may be out of balance, and restart your growth streak to where you can reach your fullest potential.
