It’s almost impossible not to embody at least one narcissistic trait. Here’s why:
As young children, we are acutely vulnerable. We’re not yet equipped to care for ourselves, so we’re completely dependent on our caregivers for sustenance. Yet they often criticize us. True, they may only be trying to teach us appropriate behaviors and boundaries—in a sense, to “civilize” us. But over time, such negative evaluations take their toll. They often damage our basic sense of self and make us wonder if there’s something wrong with us if we’re (in short) good enough.
Doubting ourselves and not knowing if we’re truly worthy of being loved and cared for, we try to adapt to our insecure environment as best we can: to “earn” positive regard from our parents (and others)—which we, unfortunately, see as conditional. Early in life, we lack the cognitive maturity to assert ourselves, to convince ourselves of our intrinsic human value regardless of how the outside world seems to perceive us. So we are doomed—and sometimes doomed to fail—to rely on others to validate our worth. Regrettably, we give them more authority to evaluate us than we do ourselves.
In personal interaction with the judgments of others, although they are generally based on their unresolved issues, their preferences, or their unrealistic standards, we naturally fall into the habit of looking for ways to compensate for our supposed shortcomings. Although this happens largely unconsciously, we strive to compensate for these supposed weaknesses and shortcomings by doing things—and thinking things—to assuage the anxiety we feel when we feel we do not meet the standards of approval that others have supposedly set for us.
To be clear, I should add that there is a genetic component to all of this, so it is not entirely our environment that reinforces such distorted negative programming for survival. Moreover, just as some children are more sensitive to parental criticism than others, some parents are simply better at making their children feel accepted—regardless of the child’s often misbehavior.
Even beyond these differences, if parents routinely send a message to a child that he or she is “golden” (and therefore entitled to whatever they want), this overly positive message can be as powerful in fostering maladaptive narcissism as having parents who harshly examine or scapegoat a child. In markedly different ways, both types of parenting prevent a child from developing a strong and resilient ego. Instead, these extreme messages are more likely to result in a child, once an adult, having a fragile ego that is easily provoked by external criticism or blame.
I should also add that it is important to distinguish between what is commonly called healthy narcissism and unhealthy (or malignant) narcissism. As one writer rightly argues, emphasizing that narcissism should be understood as existing on a continuum, the former “operates from a place of goodwill toward another person, while [the latter] operates from a place of bad will” (from “Healthy Narcissism vs. Unhealthy Narcissism,” no author or date cited).
In an article titled “Are We All Narcissists?” Shannon Thomas explores how all of us, while not deserving of this derogatory label, can nonetheless exhibit reprehensible narcissistic traits:
At any given moment, do we all have the capacity to be completely selfish, manipulative, sarcastic with strangers, criticize our children, slam doors in the middle of an adult tantrum, seek to preserve ourselves at someone else’s expense, etc.? We certainly do! No one disputes that people can be really stupid sometimes. But once the childhood-like meltdown is over, we feel bad. We realize how rude our actions were and we feel embarrassed that we took out our inner rage on someone else. We apologize by apologizing, or doing something nice for the other person, or… internally repenting for being hostile toward a stranger. We return to the baseline of where we are as decent human beings normally are… Narcissists can’t do that. They cannot, will not, and do not want to be self-reflective [and always blame others]. (June 4, 2017)
Finally, in his book The Narcissist in All of Us, Jeffrey Kluger offers another distinction—this one between pathological narcissists and what he calls “tribal narcissists”—which he deplores as universal. He focuses first on “individual” narcissists and also uses colloquial language to describe them colorfully. They are:
These are the people who pretend to be arrogant, haughty, the boastful, the colleagues or family members who talk about themselves at length, but whose eyes glaze over with sleep the moment you get a chance to talk about yourself. They are the reality show hosts or the NFL end zone dancers. They are the bosses who bully you, the friends who drain you, the lovers who charm you—sometimes literally—and then never call you back.
Kluger then takes pains to contrast this personal malice with the disappointing “normal” narcissism of the tribe, which he sees as a “universal affliction,” observing:
Humans are social creatures… but being social means having groups, and groups mean putting yourself above others. [And when we need] to feel good about ourselves… we tell ourselves that we are the best of our kind because we are smarter, prettier, better, more virtuous, more caring for others—a superior breed of people in a world full of inferior individuals. (Excerpted from “The Narcissist Next Door,” in Psychology Today, September 2, 2014)
So the bottom line is that unhealthy narcissism, whether personal or tribal, involves a disdainful—and sometimes even contemptuous—attitude toward others. Healthy narcissism, by contrast, stops short of this personal abuse, though even here the traits on display are not particularly impressive. True, we are not so self-interested or ruthlessly self-interested that we are willing to hurt and exploit others. But in an attempt to compensate for old self-doubts and insecurities, we are certainly capable of being insensitive to the wants and needs of others or their thoughts and feelings.
Below I will list what are commonly understood as narcissistic traits. However, it can’t be overemphasized that each trait is on a continuum. (Here, you might want to take a look at the more detailed “Six Signs of Narcissism You Probably Didn’t Know About” .) For each trait highlighted, you might ask yourself—or someone who knows you better than you in some way—to what extent you fall on the pole. But be fair to yourself, too. Unless you’re ringing a bell on several of these traits, you’re probably on the healthier end of the spectrum. That means, like almost all of us, you’re simply trying to convince that still-insecure kid inside that you’re good enough as an adult. So consider whether the ways you’re behaving with others aren’t meant to hurt or exploit them, but rather to gain their approval or nurture the trust that was elusive in your childhood because of your flawed parents. And if deep down, you’re still harboring some nagging feelings of inadequacy, you might be compulsively looking for areas to demonstrate the opposite.
In your subconscious mind, being average may be associated with being below average. Given the unusually high standards your family may have set for you, not excelling may mean failure. Remember, we all need to feel valued—good enough, competent enough, attractive enough to be cared for, and loved. So try to look at the following unfavorable descriptions in a self-compassionate light. If you realize that, yes, you have been “overdoing it” to convince yourself and others of your worth, consider whether you might now want to modify these unflattering personality traits:
Grandiosity. Are you perhaps overconfident, or arrogant? Do you tend to exaggerate your accomplishments? Or, to make yourself seem “special,” are you quick to draw attention to your various talents and achievements? Do you have a habit of bragging—or have others told you so? Are you prone to bragging, making sure others don’t question your (alleged) importance or superiority?
True, we all want others to know about our successes, and there is such a thing as healthy pride. When we go out of our way at every turn to impress others, we need to recognize that we have been tainted by this (highly compensatory) narcissistic trait.
Related : Don’t Make This Common Mistake With Your Narcissistic Mate
Delusions of grandeur. Do you dream of immeasurable wealth, unlimited power, breathtaking beauty, or being infinitely appreciated beyond what reality can offer? Here—to the extreme!—is an imaginary “compensation” for what you never had, or got enough of, as a child. So if this description even roughly reflects your fantasy life, it is an indication that you may be unconsciously trying to repair the psychological damage your family has inflicted on you (however unintentionally).
Vanity. Is your self-esteem inflated? Do you put yourself on a pedestal so that you can look down on others? Again, your motivation may be to reassure your original caregivers (who now reside inside your head) that you are valuable, and that you are more than good enough to cope and receive love. But you can’t expect this arrogant attitude to be “acceptable” to those around you. They will be offended by your offensive, rude, or condescending behavior.
Feeling Entitled. Before we emerged from the womb, we felt entitled. Without any effort on our part, all of our survival needs were taken care of. So on an instinctual level, we may feel this is our birthright. When our needs, especially our emotional needs, are not met by our caregivers, our embryonic sense of entitlement takes a major hit.
Mental health professionals call this “narcissistic injury.” It’s hard to love ourselves if we’re not fully convinced that our parents love us. So here too, compensating for this deficiency by (re)developing a narcissistic sense of entitlement is a way of giving ourselves the reassurance we didn’t receive from our family. Indirectly, it can lead us to treat others poorly—without much human emotion, sometimes even with contempt. Hardly a likable trait, and the main reason why narcissists tend to exhaust their support systems over time.
Manipulation and exploitation. Deep down, do you see others as objects that can be used to boost your self-esteem? Are you focused on how you can benefit from your relationship with them (and not how they might benefit from your relationship)? Or how you can control them, and get what you want from them? All without any perceived obligation to reciprocate any favors they may offer you—because, after all, you feel “entitled” to whatever they are willing to give.) If so, it’s as if you felt cheated by your parents in the past, and now, in retaliation, you feel justified in subordinating the needs of others to “cheat them in return.” (This may be even more irresistible if the “others” are your current family, and you can now claim what you previously felt powerless to.)
Seeking status. Do you make multiple efforts to make friends or associate with high-status people? And if you succeed, do you tell as many people as possible about it? Do you “advertise” yourself through possessions that demonstrate your high status—such as owning (or leasing) a Ferrari, Jaguar, or Mercedes? And do you feel like doing these things is almost a necessity for you?
Related : How Not to Raise a Narcissist
Envy. Do you frequently feel envious of others who have what you don’t have? Conversely, do you imagine that others envy you because they see you as better than them? Sometimes, it’s natural to wish we were lucky or to have the advantages of others. But when this becomes obsessive, it betrays a kind of narcissism.
Selfishness. Do you routinely ignore the needs of others, perhaps even your children? It’s one thing to prioritize your wants and needs: honoring and respecting them and taking care of yourself. However, it’s another thing to always put your preferences ahead of those of others—and in the process, be completely oblivious to being unfair to them.
Self-absorption. Are you so preoccupied with yourself that you don’t pay attention to others when they try to communicate with you? Do they accuse you of not listening to them? Do they regularly need to repeat themselves because it’s hard for you to stay attentive when you’re not the center of attention? In general, how hard do you try to be there for others? And does what others want—or want to tell you—matter to you? If something matters to them, does it matter to you, too? (See my related post here: “Can You Help a Narcissist Become Less Self-Absorbed?”)
Lack of Empathy. Are you interested in other people’s feelings? Can you empathize with them? Are you willing to? Or do their feelings seem mostly irrelevant, and only worth your attention if sharing them might allow you to gain some advantage over them? And do your relationships generally revolve around others’ empathy for you—to help lift your fragile sense of self-importance?
Need for flattery and flattery. Do you seek out compliments? Do you prefer to be with people who freely express their admiration for you? Who looks up to you—or “flatters” you? If you rarely received appreciation as a child, you may reveal an obsessive need to compensate for this lack by seeking praise from others.
Sensitivity to criticism—and widespread defensiveness in response to it. If your self-esteem or self-acceptance is not firmly rooted within you, you will constantly need others to reassure you. When they don’t criticize you or seem to criticize you directly, you will feel (deep down in your being) extremely vulnerable—old self-doubts bubbling up to the surface. To avoid such a perceived blow to your very fragile ego, you are likely to overreact to them by going into “fight for your life” mode. (See my article “The Narcissist’s Dilemma: They Can Criticize You, But…”)
In an attempt to protect yourself from such negative evaluation, you will bluntly throw their criticism at them—criticizing them, reading them into riot gear, or (if possible) banishing them from your life altogether. Taking a good, deep look at yourself requires a fairly strong ego, and if your ego is more inflated (and porous) than strong or resilient, you will find yourself driven to blame anyone who dares to point out mistakes, failures, or flaws that you have long hidden from yourself.
Anger Issues. If you are hypersensitive to criticism, rejection, not being heard as superior, having your motivations challenged, etc., you will have a very short fuse. Anger management issues are common among narcissists because outbursts of anger are so powerful in helping them counteract the threat others bring to their ability to feel good about themselves. So ask yourself, “Do I get angry as often as others do?” Also, “Have others told me that they are scared or hurt by the frequency or intensity of my anger?”
Boundary Issues. How well do you respect other people’s boundaries? For that matter, if you are truly self-absorbed, how well do you get to know these people? Additionally, are you completely willing to share intimate (and even shameful) details about your life, and feel free to insist that others do the same? One often overlooked trait of narcissists is their social insensitivity to what others feel comfortable within relationships. Because they have a hard time distinguishing between where they end up and where someone else begins because they see others as essentially “things” – entities that exist primarily to satisfy their needs and desires.
That’s pretty much it. I think that if you’re being completely honest with yourself, you’ve associated (though hopefully not too much) with at least some of the traits listed above. If so, just realize that this doesn’t make you a bad person… just a fairly normal person.
