Sometimes your loved ones believe that they can run your life better than you and that they will always know what is best for you, more than you ever will. Even if the feelings are valid, they can sometimes end up as unwitting bullies who stop you from doing what you want to do in life. For example, if you know a scapegoat, you will understand why family scapegoats become lifelong victims, of family bullying and toxicity.

We’ve all been there. Whether it’s a business we’re excited to start or a relationship we know must end, we finally have some clarity about some key elements in our lives and we get to a point where the possibilities excite us more after change than we fear change itself.

So we start telling friends and family of our grand plans that we sincerely expect to hear things like, “I know you can do it” and “I’ve been waiting for you to see your worth!”

Instead, some people we trust will have our backs surprise us with messages like, “I don’t think you have the right background,” or, “Do you have any idea how hard that is?!”

Let me introduce you to, what I like to call, the “unwitting bullies” in your life. They don’t mean to hurt you they think they’re helping you but you walk away feeling battered and suspicious after talking to them, and then you struggle to believe in yourself, your dream, and especially your truth (with a T).

These conversations also make you less likely to ask them or anyone else for support during a time when you need it most. However, there is hope, and fortunately for both of you, a little understanding goes a long way.

3 Types of unintentional bullies you may know

1. The educator
   The people who love you the most are often the ones closest to home. It could be as obvious as your mother or someone who has played a nurturing role in your life.

The most important component of this relationship is that they have invested themselves in you. They helped you grow and were there for you through thick and thin.

They love you so deeply that they don’t want to see any harm done to you. In their efforts to shelter you, they try to distance you from your instincts and dreams. They say things like, “Keep the ‘safe’ job; your vision is risky” or “You can’t move to a vineyard in Spain on a whim; you have to start over!”

The educator easily remembers past experiences and quickly perceives all possible obstacles. They prioritize safety over achievement.

2. The expert
   Praise be to God, some people have preceded us in all life endeavors. Sometimes there is that person, who in all fairness has vast useful knowledge and experience but sees a unique blueprint for building a life and misleadingly discounts your development.

They are constantly telling you how they did it and when you act independently of their advice the expert can’t understand why you don’t “listen” to them.

The expert doesn’t want to fix it unless it’s broken. It sees any different option as a waste of time reinventing the wheel and prioritizing efficiency over growth.

Related: 10 Things You Should Never Tolerate In A Relationship

3. Task Manager
   Some people embrace your vision so faithfully that they make you feel like you’re not moving fast enough.

They are excited because you have a direction and a passion for something and soon you find them hanging over you with a to-do list in one hand and a whip in the other. They can’t understand why you think, process, reflect, and talk when you should just do, do, do.

The task manager sees life as a series of “tasks”. He is confused by “to be” or “I am”. They are the kind of absorbent and deal-breaker type of person who prioritizes situational outcomes over the organic process.

There are two characteristics that all unwitting bullies have in common: They each believe in a uniquely “right” way to live life. It is difficult for them to see other “correct” ways. And they want the best for you.

So, how do you deal with these unwitting bullies? Well, I’ve created some guidelines and tips that might make it a little easier.

no:

1. Don’t try to educate them.
   Their frame of reference comes from their life experience, and they worry more that you won’t hear them than that they might be misled.
2. Don’t discount their advice.
   They are likely to be right in many ways and offer a unique insight into you and your options that you can’t see on your own. Be thankful that they have the courage, to be honest with you.
3. Don’t go crazy.
   Part of their persistence is the fear of losing contact with you. Abandoning the conversation feels like you’re abandoning them and it can make them even more difficult.
4. Don’t let them deceive you.
   You are being instructed to do the best work in life. These are often difficult decisions that are misunderstood. Don’t wait for unwitting bullies to get it. The only person who has to have it is you.

Related: Why Grieving The End Of A Toxic Relationship Is Totally Normal

Do:

1. Let them know they have been heard.
   They often feel that you are just misinformed or naive. Repeat back to them what they said so they know you take their input seriously.
2. Explain where their choices were good for them.
   People feel heroic when you say you’re making a different choice than they made for themselves. They fear that you are telling them they did something wrong (otherwise you would do exactly what they tell you to do). Showing that you can see the benefit of their choices in the context of their lives calms their defensiveness.
3. Do you set healthy boundaries?
   It’s okay to remind them that just because you didn’t follow their advice doesn’t mean you didn’t listen to them. If you need to set a rule that the subject is off-limits, that’s okay too. Just make sure that you are consciously working on the relationship in other ways. These people are very valuable to your well-being. Treat them this way.