the main points
There are many social media sites dedicated to “surviving narcissism.”
Humans are inherently selfish, at least as much as they are inherently cooperative.
Selfishness can often be easily seen in others, but not in oneself.
Although two types of narcissism have been identified (exaggerated and vulnerable), recent research suggests that only the vulnerable type is narcissistic.
Psychological terminology has always found its way into mainstream verbiage. However, in common colloquialism, it is often misused. When you call someone a “psychopath,” you generally do not mean that they are a diagnosable psychopath. People are often asked if they are bipolar because one minute they are fine and the next they are upset. However, this reaction is not a reliable indicator of bipolar disorder, and feeling down for a day or two is an indicator of depression.
One psychology term I’ve noticed being misused recently is “narcissist.” On social media, I saw posts for “my narcissistic ex,” and when I searched for them I found many others (“recovering from narcissistic abuse,” “narcissistic mothers,” “raised by narcissistic parents,” the list goes on). Almost everyone seems to have been affected by a narcissist close to them. Except statistically, this is unlikely.
Although narcissism is considered by many to be on the rise (see The Narcissism Epidemic by Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell) and is often blamed on Millennials, the prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder remains largely stable at around 0 to 6.2 percent. In 2016.” Community Studies,” according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (APA, 2015).
As I mentioned above, it seems likely that the general public overestimates its prevalence, and labels people who may display characteristics of narcissism, or the trait of narcissism (as opposed to a disorder) as narcissists. In fact, when researchers say narcissism is on the rise, they’re talking exclusively about the trait, not the disorder.
Humans are selfish. As I wrote in You’re So Selfish, studies have found that humans are at least as selfish as they are cooperative (Robinson, 2014). If you adhere to the theory of evolution, our primary goals are to survive and reproduce. If most of what we do boils down to these two motivations, then wouldn’t it be easy to assert that we evolved to be selfish? Even cooperation has been theoretically linked to evolution. After all, if one is selfish all the time one will eventually be ostracized from the group. Historically (although not true today) this would have reduced the chances of survival.
Although humans are selfish, one rarely sees oneself as selfish. This is due to cognitive biases that protect the ego. As such, one is likely to see selfishness in others, but have reasons and justifications for why one’s behavior is not selfish.
Studies show that empathy is declining and that narcissism is on the rise. People are becoming more selfish, and see less benefit in empathy (see, “Entitled? Lack of Empathy? Research Shows There Are Benefits”). Perhaps this is the logical mind that is superior to the evolutionary brain. One does not need to be accepted by one group today as was the case historically. There are so many people that new groups can be found.
Perhaps there are other explanations, besides the “ruining” of the world at the hands of younger generations. In fact, that’s probably what’s always been blamed. I often refer to this quote I read a long time ago: “Children now love luxury; They have bad morals, and they despise authority… Children are now tyrants… and they tyrannize their teachers.” The author of the quote is not a contemporary. It was Socrates.
Before I leave the topic of narcissistic personality disorder, I want to share with you some recent research. Two types of narcissism have been identified, grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism. However, recent research has challenged this writing, suggesting that the only true narcissism is vulnerable narcissism (Kowalchyk, et. al., 2021). They claim that grandiose narcissism is actually a type of psychopathy. What this generally means is that true narcissists are that way because they have used this strategy to deal with their insecurities.
So what does one do if one is hurt by another selfish person? First, one must recognize and acknowledge her pain. In a recent podcast on compassion and forgiveness, psychologist Charlotte Whitfleet discusses viewing forgiveness as a process, and how it is essential to respect pain, not impose forgiveness, and acknowledge one’s power to forgive. In addition, there is an emphasis on the benefits of true forgiveness (as a moral response to perceived relationship infidelity, rather than the physical and psychological benefits). In her research, she found that empathy, especially understanding the other as human and flawed, is beneficial for tolerance (Vedantam, 2021). However, it is also understood that compassion and forgiveness should not be imposed by force, and again that forgiveness is a process.
I’m not sure if all the social media accounts dedicated to victims of one type of narcissism or another help with this process. At best, they provide a community of people who share in being hurt at the hands of a selfish individual. This may lead to a process of overcoming the pain, and perhaps eventually begin the process of forgiveness. However, at worst, they continue to repeat and nurture the hurt, focusing on the victimization and, most likely, incorrectly labeling the selfish person as a narcissist.
