I have to admit I’m glad people are considering cutting ties with their emotional abuser. You do not deserve to be treated with disdain, disdain, or in a condescending manner, whether your partner is a narcissist or not. I say this because it seems to be a determining factor in whether one is navigating separation and/or divorce. Not to say I’m a big proponent of divorce, but when one endures the equivalent of psychological murder, it’s time to explore other options in life.
Although I am unable to diagnose someone with NPD, I can inform clients and followers if their partner is behaving in ways indicative of narcissism. Furthermore, there are varying levels of narcissism, ranging from the healthy kind (which we all have), all the way up to the full-blown kind.
Most people with full-blown NPD will not be diagnosed, even if they see a therapist.
Back to the question at hand…are people happy to have divorced a narcissist? Usually, not at first. As with the end of any relationship, one has to process feelings of denial, grief, and acceptance. Unfortunately, many people stop at grief when it comes to narcissistic divorce. Why? Their psyche was traumatized. There is no closure, their self-esteem is gone, and they believe there is no hope in life, let alone hope in another partner. Then, on top of losing their homes, jobs, or even their children, they have to deal with the narcissist who harasses them through the court system.
On the one hand, they miss the narcissist so much they can barely function, but on the other hand, being the recipient of the narcissist’s never-ending campaign of revenge is like living with the mafia beating them down.
The truth is, if left unchecked, the narcissist’s rage will be as fresh five or ten years down the road as if their supply had fallen off base for the first time. Many people are afraid to file for divorce, afraid of what the narcissist might do. Others experience the alternative, in which the narcissist files for divorce in the same way as picking up a newspaper…without a second thought.
If you’ve been considering divorce from a narcissist, have come forward, and are now facing backlash—or your partner has filed for divorce and made you feel invisible—this information may seem like enough information to keep you rooted in the relationship or think your circumstances will never improve…
But, the thing to keep in mind is, getting past these experiences and doing the self-work that is so necessary to heal from this type of abuse can be a saving grace for the individual. This is what makes the difference between someone who divorced a narcissist and hasn’t reconciled after six, eight, or ten years down the road, and another person who’s recovered a year or two later and is happier than they’ve been in their entire life.
So, what are the main differences between people who never seem to heal versus people who do? Why do some people seem happy after going through a particular variety of Narc Hell, while others end up with medical conditions?
I will share some examples. Keep in mind that this is not an exhaustive list, but only for illustrative purposes.
People who don’t seem to be healing:
Spending all their free time researching narcissism, even though it’s been a year — while it’s very important to educate ourselves about narcissism, especially in the beginning, there comes a time when it works against us. The truth is that no amount of knowledge will change what happened and more than that, that knowledge will not heal us. It helps us understand what happened, but it won’t do anything to heal our emotional wounds. Focusing on narcissism after a year or so has passed will only continue to trigger memories of abuse.
Don’t wean yourself off the forums – in the beginning, it’s essential to find people to interact with who understand what we’ve been through, but then again, there comes a time when a form of mass hysteria begins and it becomes a festival of negativity, especially when the narcissist finds a way to infiltrate the forum and cause additional damage. Find out what you need to know, then commit to stopping.
Stick with an Unhelpful Therapist A large percentage of therapists have very little experience with narcissism, let alone how to help their victims. If you’ve been seeing a therapist for two years and you’re not making progress, find another therapist.
He believes therapy will help save their relationship with a narcissist. If your narcissistic partner has cheated on all the therapists you visit together, quit couple therapy, find your individual therapist, and start exploring separation or divorce.
They never practice self-inquiry or self-healing — or if they do, it’s once or twice and then they stop. To heal from this type of abuse, it is necessary to explore different methods of healing. When you find the ones that work, stick with them and practice them constantly.
People who are happy with a narcissist’s divorce and recovery:
Find out what they need about their narcissism, but then turn their attention to their recovery.
After finding out what happened, and after venting for several months, they began spending time exploring ways to heal…constantly.
Practice self-inquiry and be open-minded to experimenting with different healing methods.
Once they find healing methods that work, they incorporate them into their daily lives.
Don’t suppress their emotions and usually write their diary to work through it.
As you can see, it takes a conscious commitment to not only heal but also to celebrate a narcissistic divorce. The darkness may have been intended as a catalyst for you to learn, grow, and experience the freedom of self-love and true joy, but you can only get there if you commit to it.
