There is ample evidence that narcissists have problems in their relationships. 1,2 They are less committed and more likely to manipulate their partners. Unsurprisingly, their partners also tend to feel increasingly dissatisfied over time. But why? What is going on within these relationships that leads to problems?

Most research examining narcissists’ relationships has asked people to report on their general impressions of their relationships. But what actually happens on a day-to-day basis when narcissists interact with their partners? Some research suggests that narcissists are particularly aggressive during conflict. 3,4 This research provides some insight into why narcissists have more relationship problems, but fewer non-conflictual day-to-day interactions have been examined, and narcissists’ tendencies to engage in positive behaviors have not been examined either. A new study by Joanna Lamkin and colleagues examines how narcissists behave during neutral discussions with their romantic partners. 5

Before delving into the details of the research, it’s important to understand how narcissism is defined in these studies. This research examines narcissistic tendencies, consistent with the idea of ​​grandiose narcissism. This research does not study people with narcissistic personality disorder, which is relatively rare. In the general population, narcissism runs along a continuum, with people who are more narcissistic having inflated views of themselves, a sense of superiority over others, feelings of entitlement, and a tendency to lack empathy and manipulate others.

Research

In their study, Lamkin and her colleagues recruited 54 couples of college students.5 The couples were videotaped as they had a 10-minute discussion about how they would plan a hypothetical 5-day vacation with a budget of $3,000. Trained coders rated several aspects of the participants’ behavior:

Positive affect: how much they enjoy the task (smiling, laughing).

Anger: signs of combativeness (confrontational style, raised voices), angry tone of voice (frustration, annoyance), and more subtle negative displays of anger, such as grumbling or walking away.

Hostileness: rejecting hurtful comments (e.g., “You’re stupid,” “You’re a bad travel companion”). Hostility categories are not limited to anger alone, as they involve actions that are not expected to resolve conflict. Anger and hostility are negative, but expressions of anger can be used to influence or coerce your partner in ways that hostility expressions cannot.

The results showed that both partners engaged in more hostile behavior when the woman in the couple was the narcissistic woman. Men showed more anger when interacting with a narcissistic partner; however, the man’s level of narcissism was not related to these behaviors, and neither partner’s narcissism was related to positive displays. Thus, narcissistic women were more hostile, and their partners were more hostile and angry during the discussion.

Thus, gender clearly plays a role in how narcissism manifests in relationships. Specifically, evidence suggests that women’s narcissism may be particularly problematic in the context of relationships. In another study that followed newlyweds for four years, wives’ narcissism, but not husbands’, was associated with increased marital problems and decreased satisfaction over time. 6 The authors hypothesized that this pattern occurs because women’s traits and behaviors generally tend to have a greater impact on relationships,7 something I recently discussed in a post on discrepancies in partners’ levels of commitment.

These findings could also be explained in light of overall gender differences in narcissism: Men are, on average, more narcissistic than women. 8 So another possibility is that because women are generally less narcissistic, their narcissistic behavior is more of a shock to partners and a greater violation of norms, leading to more problems. 5

Implications

These findings also showed that narcissists didn’t necessarily show less positive emotions when interacting with their partners. In fact, they were just as likely to laugh, smile, and show enjoyment in their interactions as non-narcissists. The authors hypothesize that this is consistent with the idea that narcissists tend to play games, and play hot and cold with their partners. Narcissists can get away with more aggressive behavior, in part because they balance it out with more positive behavior. If they’re negative all the time, they’re likely to be less successful at attracting and keeping partners.

This research also shows that it’s not just narcissists themselves who behave badly. Their behavior can also affect their partners. Unsurprisingly, interacting with someone who is hostile and selfish can trigger hostility and anger. If you think your partner is a narcissist, it might be helpful to not only observe how they treat you, but also monitor your own behavior: Does your partner bring out the worst in you?

Because these findings are correlational, it’s unclear whether narcissistic women cause their partners to become angry or hostile because of their behavior, or whether they are more likely to have angry and hostile partners in the first place.

It’s worth noting that the results of this study may not apply to older relationships. The sample was fairly small, and the couples involved were young and typically engaged in relatively short relationships. The behavior of narcissists and their partners is likely to change over the course of a relationship. Perhaps narcissists’ positive behavior declines over time, once they are certain of their partners’ long-term commitment. Or perhaps these couples develop more adaptive ways of interacting. But overall, this latest study adds to the evidence that it’s best to avoid a relationship with a narcissist.