Most people who have experienced narcissistic abuse wonder how much blame they should place on the narcissist. I am often asked this question:
Are people with narcissistic personality disorders simply bad people who choose to hurt others but could control themselves if they tried? Or are they good people who do their best but can’t control themselves?
Unfortunately, there is no simple answer to this question. People are complex. I don’t think we can simply categorize people with narcissistic adaptations as either good or bad. We can’t always draw a clear line between what we can control and what controls us.
Even people who don’t have personality disorders struggle constantly to put their selfishness and personal desires aside and do what they know is right. Human nature has not changed in thousands of years.
The apostle Paul describes our struggles accurately in Romans 7:19—For the good I want to do, I do not do; but the evil I do not want to do, this I do.
So how does this apply to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
When I think about the diversity of people who qualify for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I see a wide range of people—from those who want to be good people to those who don’t care about who they hurt. Most narcissists fall somewhere in between, like the rest of us.
Note: I use the terms “narcissist” or “narcissistic” as a shorthand way of referring to people who exhibit the pattern of thinking and behavior that is typically diagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I prefer the term “narcissistic adaptation,” because it emphasizes that this pattern was initially a creative adjustment designed to maximize the amount of love, attention, and support a child might receive from their caregivers.
So why do people with narcissistic adaptations tend to cause more harm in intimate relationships than most non-narcissists?
The “Good Narcissist”
Some people with NPD try their best to be good but are handicapped by their narcissistic adaptations. Their extreme selfishness, lack of emotional empathy, and lack of “whole object relationships” and “object stability” distort their perspective in interpersonal situations.
Some brief definitions of the terms above will likely be helpful to the reader:
Whole object relationships: This is the ability to see yourself and other people in a realistic, stable, integrated way that recognizes that everyone has good and bad qualities and likable and dislikeable traits.
Without whole-object relationships, narcissists cannot form a stable, integrated picture of anyone. Narcissists tend to put everyone into two basic boxes: either they are special, perfect, unique, and deserving of special treatment (high status) or they are worthless, miserable, and trashy and only deserve what the “special people” choose to give them (low status).
Object constancy: This is the ability to maintain a positive emotional connection to someone when you feel hurt, angry, frustrated, or disappointed by them. It’s also the ability to maintain that sense of connection to someone who isn’t physically present.
Without object constancy, narcissists can say “I love you” one moment, then 10 minutes later switch to “I hate you” because they didn’t like something you just said or did.
Emotional empathy: This is the ability to feel someone else’s joy or pain. Narcissists lack emotional empathy, so they have less feedback about the other person’s reactions and less reason to care. They have “intellectual empathy,” the ability to think about what the other person might be feeling. However, in the heat of a fight, they are unlikely to do so because of their lack of subject constancy.
Most of the harm that narcissists cause is the result of two basic sets of issues:
- The need for revenge to protect their self-esteem
Blame and Revenge: During any type of conflict, or even in a fairly neutral situation, once narcissists start feeling bad, they are likely to view whoever they are with as responsible for their discomfort. They quickly move from blaming the other person to angrily retaliating.
Justification: They feel justified because, without full subject relationships or subject constancy, they now see the other person as the total bad enemy. Additionally, they have temporarily lost touch with any previous positive history between them and the other person.
Fragile Self-Esteem: Their fragile self-esteem makes it extremely painful for them to recognize their role in causing a fight. They don’t even try to see how they could be wrong because that would breach their narcissistic defenses and lead to feelings of inadequacy and deep shame.
Difficulty apologizing: After they calm down, they may realize that they overreacted and regret it. Unfortunately, their low self-esteem makes it unlikely that they will admit their mistake and apologize. Instead, they are more likely to make a reparative gesture, such as giving the other person a gift.
However, if the other person wants to talk about what happened, they are likely to become very defensive and feel attacked. Then the cycle of blame, revenge, and repair may start all over again.
- Selfishness and lack of emotional empathy
Narcissists often unintentionally do things that hurt others because they are so selfish and lack emotional empathy. For example, they may make fun of you in front of other people and think they are being sarcastic. Or they may tell you that you have a stomach virus and instead of empathizing, they tell you that they have a much worse virus than you.
How do we judge them?
Do we give them a free pass to hurt others because they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I wouldn’t. At the very least, most well-meaning people with NPD:
- Know that they are selfish.
- Know that others are hurt by them.
- Know that therapy exists and most choose not to seek help to change.
- Have been told that what they are doing is hurtful and continue to do it anyway.
However: This subset of narcissists does not intentionally intend to hurt others.
“Bad Narcissists”
These people focus on getting what they want and do not try to be a “good person.” They do not care who is hurt by their actions. Some even enjoy causing others pain and will go to great lengths to make others feel sad, inadequate, and inferior.
Many theorists call this type of narcissist by different names: “malignant,” “toxic,” or “other-depreciating.”
It’s easy to judge them as bad because they don’t express any remorse or make any redemptive gestures. They intentionally hurt people to make themselves feel superior.
The bottom line: People with narcissistic adaptations vary from one another in how much they want to be good people. Those who want to be good try hard to follow a moral code. However, even when they do their best, their core narcissistic problems—selfishness, unstable self-esteem, lack of emotional empathy, lack of fulfilling relationships, and fixation on things—will cause them to hurt those closest to them.
