In a normal relationship, if someone makes a mistake, they feel remorse and usually follow it up with an apology. This usually results in the other party forgiving the offender or at least acknowledging their heartbreaking attempt to make amends.
Not so with the narcissist.
When you apologize to a narcissist, he or she feels like they’ve won the lottery. You’re always wrong, anyway, so admitting something wrong is like riding the train on a one-way guilt trip. Rather than dealing with the situation maturely, there are a few possible scenarios that will follow after an apology is made to a narcissist:
- Self-righteousness: This is the equivalent of being taunted and mocked on the field to make you feel like the biggest idiot in town.
See how wrong I was? Isn’t it just a burden now that you can see how right they were? Thank goodness you finally acknowledged your vulnerability. Now that you know where you are, the two of you can continue with life as normal. What took you so long, anyway? Hey, now that you’ve finally admitted that you’re a moron, how about celebrating… by taking them out to lunch on a dime. After all, you are lucky that they decided to shower you with crumbs of mercy and recognition.
Eat it for a while.
Narc Check: This disturbing sarcasm plays on any sense of shame you may have deep down. It is not the “good” kind of shame that helps us strengthen our compassion and empathy, but the destructive and poisonous shame. Narcissists use this second type of shame against their victims as a way to tune them into hopeless compliance.
- Complete rejection: You have been carrying some guilt about something you said or did during one of your bad spots (which was caused by the narcissist). You go back to thinking they have at least a sliver of human emotion and would welcome your apology. You decide to say you’re sorry… perhaps with a sweet letter or a touching email to express your regret to them.
They respond that your actions were the worst they have ever endured. They wondered when she would finally confess this unforgivable sin. The devastation was too terrible, and they couldn’t put up with it. They tried to keep it from their consciousness and now they know why you haven’t had a successful relationship in your life. Forgiveness will be hard, but by the grace of God, they are trying.
Narc Check: While this is one of the standard responses you can expect after apologizing to a narcissist, it is very likely that nothing you apologize for will ever be recorded. However, now that you’ve brought a perceived injury to light, they’re going to use it as a way to make you feel like the worst person they’ve ever met. Moreover, it will become artillery for psychological torture and a justification for your future injury.
- The rap sheet: You say you’re sorry about something and they not only punish you for it but deal with the many other alleged “crimes” you’ve committed. At the end of the conversation, you will wonder how you ever had any friends or partners in your life. Look at how resilient they are…how do they overlook your faults because they care about you? You might as well forget about having another relationship because there is no way that anyone else could ever tolerate your criminal behaviors as they do.
Do you remember how you bought your grandmother a gift, knowing that he needed this money? How about the time you took time off today because your kid was sick… didn’t you know he was waiting for your paycheck to pay his taxes? How dare you even consider giving two dollars for a Salvation Army bell? When are you going to get to the program and stop being selfish? How do you live with yourself? (Read more about narcissists and money here.)
Narc Check: This is when the narcissist peels a bit of the truth from something innocent she did, and spice it up with twisted, far-fetched accusations. These claims wouldn’t make sense to the average outsider, but you got so used to these letters that you started to doubt yourself for throwing a birthday party for your niece. Maybe you should deposit the check directly into his bank account next time. Never mind that you will hate yourself for it. At least there is a chance that the narcissist might dump you with another crush.
If you still feel the need to apologize, don’t leave anything to chance. Try doing it in front of someone and move on without showing any emotion. However, be prepared for the above scenarios. It may be your duty not to apologize at all because apologizing to a narcissist solves nothing but making them feel like they have the upper hand. Although it may seem successful at first, there will be certain repercussions when you least expect it. Journal about it, pray for it but don’t give them the satisfaction.
