I’ll never forget how amazing it felt when I learned what it meant to be emotionally unavailable. Suddenly, everything started to fall into place. After years of unsuccessfully dating different men, I finally figured out why: emotionally unavailable men. All I had to do was stop dating emotionally unavailable men and my happily ever after would come. Easy, right? Not much. Despite my newfound awareness, I still ended up trying to be good enough for emotionally unavailable friends, colleagues, classmates, and family members. Eventually, the misery began to outweigh my illusion, and the victim card I had always relied on stopped making me feel as innocent as it had been before. In all of these relationships, the one common denominator was, yes, emotionally unavailable partners, but it was also the one thing I had avoided with all my might…. “Am I emotionally unavailable?” I thought. There was no way. I wanted to be in a relationship. I was ready; I wasn’t afraid of commitment. On the contrary, I was too strong. All I wanted was to be in a relationship. All I did was cry. I was draining myself. There was no way.
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After realizing that I was entering relationships that mirrored the relationship I had with myself, I had no choice but to explore the question, “Am I emotionally unavailable?”
The people we are attracted to give us invaluable insight into what we project.
I was feeling unavailable.
If you haven’t asked yourself, “Am I emotionally unavailable?” then you have no right to wonder if anyone else is.
Here’s how to tell if you’re emotionally unavailable and how to fix it.
“Am I emotionally unavailable?” Here are 15 signs that you might be:
You feel bored and don’t feel passionate or connected to emotionally available men.
As much as you claim to want the exact opposite, your relationship history (with friends, lovers, family, coworkers, etc.) suggests that you’re more comfortable being unappreciated and disrespected than being appreciated, respected, and valued.
You feel like you have no choice but to lie about the stupidest things. You feel like if people knew the truth, they would run away.
You are a chameleon. You act like one person at work, another with a group of friends… another with another group of friends… another on dates… and another with your family. You may suffer from social anxiety because of this. You may even have a complete personality transplant after a drink or two. Thinking about all these different “groups” of people you know all together in the same room makes you anxious. You manage your image to the point of exhaustion because you feel like you can never be your authentic self. You feel this way because early on, you were made to feel bad for existing. You were also made to feel like you were easily forgotten/abandoned.
You seek external validation and superficial things to give you an identity because you don’t know who you are. Whenever anyone is preoccupied with superficiality, it almost always indicates low self-esteem.
You go through highs and lows in your relationships – with friends, family, and lovers. You are non-confrontational, but you don’t mind having a front-row seat to any confrontation/drama you may have created negatively.
You are always so busy and preoccupied. You hide behind chaos because it justifies why you can’t be there; why you can’t be available to look in the mirror and address your issues.
When you are on dates or hanging out with friends, you are more concerned with how you look than having a real conversation, or seeing if there is a connection. Dating and making friends always feels like you are auditioning for a role.
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You love talking about making plans and setting goals and all these great ideas, but executing them causes you anxiety.
You are a perfectionist and have unreasonably high standards.
Instead of asking yourself “Am I emotionally unavailable?” you are quick to label others as such.
Your default position is to be the victim. They are always the victim, not you. You are also very good at arousing pity from others.
You are a people pleaser but you can never please yourself. And no one can ever please you, especially the emotionally available people in your life. You drain their energy because you are an unsolvable puzzle, and they may even take you seriously. You struggle to see, love, and accept yourself. Because of this, you chase the affection of others who don’t see, love, or accept you either.
“Am I Emotionally Unavailable?” If you are, here’s how to reconnect and reclaim your life:
You need to understand that there is no way to get over the quicksand of emotional unavailability. The only way to stop engaging with emotionally unavailable people is to become emotionally available yourself because once you do that, you will stop being attracted to unavailable people.
The first step in dealing with your emotional unavailability is to acknowledge that you are indeed unavailable. Stop fighting it and creating more internal drama about how it can’t be or doesn’t make sense. Let your current relationships and relationship history speak for themselves and listen. Acknowledge and take responsibility.
When I asked myself, “Am I Emotionally Unavailable?” the ultimate realization of my unavailability led me to think that I was a bad person and that I was to blame for everything.
And I couldn’t have been more wrong. Being emotionally unavailable doesn’t make you a bad person, and it certainly doesn’t give your partner an excuse to hurt you (or wait for you to change because change takes time), but being emotionally unavailable robs you of any chance at a mutual, committed, monogamous relationship (emotionally and/or physically). It robs you of your authenticity and gives you a lifetime VIP card, “toxic relationship only.”
You can drive an addict to the best rehab in the world, but for them to truly get rid of their addiction, they have to want it first and foremost.
Let me ask you, would you ever cry because you don’t have six-pack abs? Maybe. But why would you cry when you know that all you have to do is go to the gym and work on them every day? It’s the same with your relationship with yourself. Building muscle, feeling safe, and being emotionally available isn’t just for the beautiful, the rich, and the lucky—it’s a habit. Once I realized that self-love was a habit, it became achievable.
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How did I finally build a meaningful, connected relationship with myself?
I worked hard at it.
Every day, I become the person my younger self needed me to be. This constant effort has led to building self-esteem and self-love that is more passionate, fulfilling, and beautiful than any relationship I have ever been in. This in turn has led to attracting emotionally available people into my life and enriching the relationships I am fortunate enough to have. If I can do it, so can you. You can.
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