Do you think one of your friendships may be toxic? Here’s everything you need to know about navigating toxic friendships.

Since Britney Spears’ hit song was released in 2004, the word “toxic” has not been part of the modern vernacular as it is today. We usually use this adjective to describe people we don’t like or with whom we don’t get along. But just because we don’t relate to our boss, coworker, ex, or family member, does that justify labeling that person a toxic individual? According to Courtney Morris, LPC Fellow and founder of Courtney Morris Counseling, probably not. “In my opinion, not everyone can be toxic, but a person’s behavior can be toxic,” she says. “We oversimplify the word when we use it to describe a person as a whole.”

In other words, your friends may not be toxic, but your relationships with them may be.

Definition of toxic friendships

Not all friendships are built to last, but that doesn’t make them toxic. Sometimes people come into your life for a season based on common interests or connections. For example, your high school best friend may not last through your adult years simply because you moved on or grew apart. Mommy friends when your children were young may disappear as your children grow and attend different schools. Your relationship with a coworker may break if one of you leaves the company. These are not toxic friendships. Rather, they are situational friendships, often determined by age or stage of life. They simply run their course.

Toxic friendships are something else entirely, and may be more difficult to identify. However, you will probably know it within yourself when something is “off” in the relationship. Some signs of a toxic friendship include:

You are constantly walking on eggshells around the other person
You hesitate to share a piece of good news
You feel like you’re always in competition
You’re the only one who makes an effort to maintain the friendship.
You always receive insulting comments followed by, “Oh, I’m just kidding.”
These are all signs that something bigger may be happening. “I think one of the biggest red flags that alert us to toxic behaviors is when a friend continues to disrespect our boundaries,” Morris says. “The other is when they use our vulnerability against us to raise themselves up. Ultimately, these toxic behaviors are usually rooted in the person’s own insecurities.

Solving the problem

According to Morris, relationships are like mirrors in that they reflect our problems or behaviors back to us in many ways. “That’s why our closest relationships can sometimes be the hardest,” she explains. This can also make having a conversation about why this behavior is hurtful to you uncomfortable. This discomfort is why many people resort to “shadowing” a friend or hiding problems, but this is not the wisest course of action. Ignoring problems simply exacerbates resentment and hurt, which can lead to more problems in the future. Remember, there is a possibility that your friend does not realize that his or her behavior is hurtful to you or your friendship.

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“It’s important in these situations to clarify your boundaries and understand what you feel in your body and mind when someone crosses them and what behavior triggers you,” Morris advises. “When we understand our role in this relationship dynamic, it may be much easier to address the issue with our friend.” For example, if you have a friend who is always late, this may trigger feelings of unworthiness in you. One way to address this is to say, “I look forward to spending time together, and I know we’re both busy, but when you cancel or show up late, it makes me feel like you don’t respect my time.” Once your friend knows how this behavior makes you feel, the ball is in her court, and her response will tell you everything you need to know about the health of the friendship.

When to stay away from toxic friendships

By addressing the issue directly, you have made an effort to set boundaries and have opened the door to an open and honest conversation. However, if nothing changes, you have some choices to make.

“The hard truth is that once we see a behavior, we can’t get rid of it,” Morris warns. “Then it is our responsibility to put an end to this cycle by removing ourselves from the friendship in a way that is healthier for us.” One option is to remove yourself from the relationship completely, although this may be difficult if you share a friend group. The second option is to create safe boundaries for yourself within the friendship. For example, if your friend is always putting you down in front of others, you might only deal with him one-on-one and avoid group settings. If she only calls you when she needs something, you make yourself less available. Either she’ll get the hint and change her behavior, or she won’t. But either way, you won’t be exposed to it.

Not you; This is me

In the words of Taylor Swift: “It’s me, hey, I’m the problem, it’s me.” Before you write off your friendship as toxic, remember that it takes two to tango. You may be bringing your own toxic behaviors to the table which attracts these types of relationships, creating a vicious cycle. “There are many reasons why a person might attract people with tendencies toward toxic behaviors into their lives,” Morris says. “It could be rooted in a tendency to please people or how relationships were shaped for us growing up.”

This is where the internal work comes into play, and it is not easy. It takes kindness and self-compassion to look at ourselves honestly, Morris says. “These toxic behaviors tend to be rooted in insecurities, so when we address this with someone else, we’re asking them to take a deep, honest look at themselves,” she says. “The most emotionally mature thing we can do when we expect this from someone else is to make sure we do it ourselves first.”

All friendships have ups and downs, and even best friends can get on each other’s nerves and need some space. True friendships are those that can weather the ebbs and flows through open and honest conversations and emerge stronger than ever. Those are the friendships we cherish.