Dealing with narcissists is a challenge that many highly sensitive people face. I have yet to hear of a highly sensitive person who has not had to deal with a narcissistic relationship. But one of the hardest things about dealing with a narcissist is accepting the fact that the person you love, who you thought loved you, is not a loving person at all.
Whether this person is your spouse, parent, or child, recognizing their narcissistic traits can be extremely difficult and painful, especially when you have been in a relationship with them for a long time, if not your entire life. When a narcissist is a parent, you grow up believing that the kind of conditional, selfish love you receive is normal and you naturally don’t question it. As such, it is very common for children of narcissists to grow up and associate with narcissistic peers, not because they like being treated badly, but because it is familiar to them. We are all drawn to what is familiar, whether it is good for us or not.
Your relationship with a narcissistic spouse may not have started out so badly. Narcissists are experts at getting what they want, so there may have been a lot of flattery and attention at first, which slowly turned into a controlling and abusive relationship that you feel guilty about creating and unable to leave.
But at some point, the belittling, blaming, criticism, and complete lack of empathy, support, and respect start to feel wrong. Even if you’ve been subjected to this treatment for a very long time, you somehow know that it shouldn’t be this way.
Facing the reality that your loved one isn’t who you thought they were or even who you thought they should be can be more than you can handle. After all, how can a mother not love her daughter? How can a husband always blame his wife? It’s often easier to believe the lies the narcissist tells you, such as that you’re the one making life difficult, that you’re not doing a good enough job, that you’re not trying hard enough. So you keep fighting, believing and hoping that if you just become the person they want you to be, everything will be okay, and that you will eventually be loved.
The problem with this plan is that it never works. You will never be enough for the narcissist because they always want more. Trying to be something for someone else will only further undermine your self-esteem. So instead of getting the love you so desperately want, you push yourself further and further away from them, all the while increasingly believing that you don’t really deserve it anyway because you’re doing such a poor job. It’s a path to self-destruction and years of loneliness.
So what’s the solution? Awareness and acceptance. First, figure out what’s really going on. Do any of your partner’s negative behaviors resemble your parents’? Do you feel drawn to people who have a sense of entitlement and feel obligated to obey their orders? It’s all too easy for highly sensitive people in particular to fall prey to the manipulative impulses of the narcissist and feel guilty and depressed as a result. The key is to understand who you’re dealing with. If you don’t feel good about yourself when you’re with someone, they’re probably not good for you. Trust your feelings. Trust your instincts. Highly sensitive people have the gift of intuition, so use it to help yourself.
If you think you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, walk away. If the narcissist is your mother or someone else you can’t completely cut out of your life, accept them for who they are. They won’t change. They don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. They think you’re the problem. Trying to avoid facing the fact that this person will never give you what you need is easier, but it will only fan their flames and make you feel like a mat. The alternative, acceptance, is harder, but it works. Accept that they will never change. Accept that you will never get love from them. Accept that you deserve love and can get it from someone else. Love yourself. And others will love you, too.
