All abusive relationships have one thing in common – causing pain and breaking the heart of the person who loves the abusive person the most.
Most narcissists are so focused on their own interests that they care little about the wants or needs of others.
But there is a big difference between this relatively passive ignore and the very active ignore in which the most narcissistic, malicious and aggressive personalities emerge. Their disregard goes beyond simply not caring too much to a willful desire to hurt, exploit, manipulate, and, in particular, to control those with whom they come into contact, and this makes this group capable of the most dangerous types of abuse in relationships.
I’ve written before about malignant narcissism and what distinguishes it from the various selfishness of narcissists. The various “aggressive personalities” all have this malignant narcissism at the core of their personality (the most disturbed aggressive personalities, such as sadistic, lethal, aggressive or psychopathic personalities, have the most virulent form of this narcissism).
Aggressive personalities not only consider themselves above others and are therefore entitled to be treated as inferior, but they are also determined to dominate in all situations. It is not only that they do not respect any “higher power”, but they always strive to be the highest authority. They are fighters bent on dominance in all situations, even when they take a more subordinate position that would serve their interests better. Each of the different aggressive personality subtypes is prone to unique forms of abuse and exploitation in relationships.
I give the label “unbridled aggressiveness” to those disturbed personalities who are often called “antisocial personalities” (sometimes they are also called, although erroneously, “sociopaths”). These are individuals who have been openly “at war” with authority and established rules, and sometimes even with God (if in fact they profess belief in God) for most of their lives. They know what most of the world expects of them but they resist compliance. They can’t stand anyone else’s expectations or demands. Submission of any kind is anathema to them, even if it means winning in the long run.
Related: The Self Aware Narcissist: Are Narcissists Aware Of Their Behavior?
For them, any kind of surrender is tantamount to personal annihilation. These people are very vulnerable to all forms of abuse, including physical violence. They want their way and are determined to get it no matter the cost and no matter who might get hurt. For them, life is a competition and they must always emerge victorious. They always want to be on top, in control, and in charge. While they are not subject to anyone, they expect others to be subject to them.
Many break major rules of society and often spend a lot of time in jail as a result. But not all antisocial characters are criminals. And while they are liable to break major rules, not all of them get caught or punished. However, they lead a life of undisciplined thugs. They are also among those who, despite occasional punishments (eg, police visits, arrests, restraining orders, confinement, surveillance, etc.) are generally not deterred in their aggressive and abusive ways.
Because their aggressive methods are so open and intuitive, and because heaps of trouble seem to follow them wherever they go, it has always been baffling to me why and how anyone could consider engaging with aggressive personalities with an unbridled (many times, poor) self-image or some degree of lack of personality. is the reason).
And it usually takes no time at all before a person who shares such a personality begins to be abused in some way. Unbridled aggressiveness is also like parasites in relationships, allowing the more responsible party to pay all the bills, take on all the burdens, etc. And when things don’t go to their satisfaction, they can never accept the idea that it might be at least part of them. Wrong, so they easily blame and take their frustration and hostility onto others. Although it is certainly a big societal problem, and while many of them know it on some level, everyone is paying the price in some way.
It’s even more understandable to me how someone can fall prey to a slightly different variant of the “antisocial” type: the disturbed personality and aggressive personality sub-type that I call the “directed aggressive” personality.
Not to be mistaken for assertive personalities, directed aggression is at odds with others while generally keeping their aggression within legal limits and channeling it into socially acceptable pursuits. They modulate their overt aggression so as not to invite social or legal sanction but they are very different from healthy assertive personalities in that they do not really discipline themselves out of respect for the rights and needs of others (or as a result of a mature conscience). So they will cross boundaries, violate boundaries, and even cross major norms if they feel confident they can get away with it.
These individuals are often tyrants in their homes, capable of tremendous cruelty whenever their dominance is challenged. Because on first impression they can come across as strong, determined, and success-oriented people who can seem like the perfect partner early in the relationship. It is only when everyday life with them turns out to be a “my way or the highway” proposition that their abusive nature becomes more apparent.
While there is usually a bit of a hassle when all the soldiers know where they are and line up when someone fails to heed their dictates or worse, challenges their dominance, there will generally be some kind of hell to pay. While these people know how to rule the roost without crossing major lines that might invite social sanctions, when they feel their fists slipping, or when they believe they can successfully avoid negative consequences, they can easily become more overtly brutal.
