What causes cheating?
People often blame problems in a marriage, or on one partner for being deficient in some way. But Mary Murphy, Ph.D., a sociologist who specializes in life coaching with people who cheat, has a theory that might surprise a lot of people. On the podcast, Murphy shares her thoughts, but I’ll summarize them here.
Since she has a background in sociology (and sociology is the study of societal forces and social norms and how they affect both humanity and the individual) she does what no one else does: incorporate the idea of social norms into the study of why people cheat.
Very briefly, Dr. Murphy says that given how our society views marriage, we are setting people up for failure, citing the following factors:
We (as a society) expect almost everyone to marry
We do not consider people to be “true adults” unless they are married with children
Our society glorifies marriage, weddings, and romantic love in a way that makes people expect uninterrupted joy
We expect marriage, but we don’t explain the realities of marriage, nor do we prepare people for it at all
But this is still not the whole reason for cheating. There is a lot to be said.
The social narrative around marriage encourages people to get married long before they are ready.
He doesn’t talk in any real way about any alternatives to living one’s life married in a heterosexual relationship, and he expects people to be married for life.
Divorce is still looked down upon, and romantic relationships are viewed even more contemptuously.
If you leave your marriage to be with your partner, you will be considered the scum of the earth no matter what. Dr. Murphy points out that this has a lot to do with people’s fear of being cheated.
Dr. Murphy emphasizes this aspect of society, which she says drives people to cheat.
She argues that explanations that place cause entirely within the individual are not entirely accurate.
Most of them are called horse manure (using much more colorful language than that!).
I think this is a bit extreme at best.
At worst, I might choose to put the horse manure sticker here myself.
The reason for this: he studied extramarital relations, not for his doctorate. But on a practical basis, for about seven years now, I think it’s blatantly clear that some of the individual causes of adulteration that Dr. Murphy calls horse manure do exist.
And I think some people who have experienced those causes (and the associated repercussions) would certainly say the same.
I know a victim of narcissistic abuse whose husband’s main symptom of narcissism was chronic cheating and lying. Her story shows us that real, living pathological narcissism can be several things, but horse manure is not one of them.
Sad to say, pathological cheating like this does exist.
Although many people want to call all cheaters pathological narcissists and abusers simply because they cheat, most cheaters do not fit into this category. However, being a narcissistic cheater is a real and painful reality, and this situation is no joke.
I have read and posted about people whose marriages have broken down due to illness, and those whose marriages have died and drifted apart due to unresolved emotional issues and skills they were not taught in childhood, killing communication in the marriage. (I was a third party in one of these).
It is also not horse manure.
Related: The Reason Divorce Can Be So Ugly Is Because You Waited Too Long To Leave
These explanations are provided as an addition to the societal aspect that Dr. Murphy explains in the podcast linked to the introduction.
- Solid hard wire problem
This is the narcissist, addict, or disturbed person who is looking for thrills, kicks, or attention and is pathologically incapable of any compassion toward a spouse, children, and extended family.
This person is a scammer and a user of other people. These are the pathological cheaters I wrote about above. Narcissists and other people with serious personality disorders who either refuse treatment or for whom treatment will not work.
Related: The Reason Divorce Can Be So Ugly Is Because You Waited Too Long To Leave
- Lack of skills and/or courage
This category contains the largest number of cheaters. What happens to these people: They grow up without the emotional skills to know themselves and communicate with their partners in the later stages of marriage when the “new relationship energy” wears off, and married partners are immersed in hard work. Children, housekeeping, and jobs.
Connection is always easy when you first meet, and your mind is on fire with the vision of how the other person will effortlessly meet your deepest needs.
Sometimes the problems are so bad that people in the marriage become dead and isolated within themselves and don’t fully realize what they are feeling.
Sometimes, they know what’s inside but are afraid to talk, for example, about how they felt when their husband refused sex three times last week because they’re afraid to make waves.
They’re afraid it will start an argument, and they’re afraid if they say what they feel, their worst fears might come true: It’s something that’s really about them, and their spouse doesn’t love them or can’t love them the way they hoped and dreamed. I love.
People are really scared of this, guys. aghast.
Fear of the unknown in marriage leads to not speaking.
Not talking leads to assuming the worst. Assuming the worst leads to emotional and sexual isolation.
Most of this begins in childhood when parents do not adequately meet the child’s emotional needs or teach or model a healthy, loving marriage and courageous communication in the relationship.
If people are abused or neglected in childhood, it is even worse because it can lead to long-term trauma and attachment problems.
Related: Emmy-Winning Reporter’s 3-Step Formula For How To Tell When Someone Is Lying To You
- The cheating caregiver
This is a marriage in which one partner has Alzheimer’s disease or another long-term devastating disease that destroys their ability to be an effective partner in the marriage, but the other person does not want to give up the sick person.
We as a society do not realize how cruel and miserable family caregiving is until we are the ones doing it. In the case of Alzheimer’s disease, as we saw with former President Ronald Reagan, the period of caregiving can last a decade or even longer.
This spouse chooses another romantic partner while still married to the sick spouse, and is often strongly criticized for it.
Related: What To Do When The Sweetheart You Married Becomes A Jerk Later On
More factors behind infidelity
I sincerely hope that neither Dr. Murphy nor anyone else views any of the above three categories as horse manure. I’ve read their stories. I posted it, and the pain is real.
