One of the most underrated and best-kept secrets for resolving conflicts with your partner or spouse is the use of a couples code word when things heat up. The inherent power struggle between couples can lead to frequent arguments, but using a catchphrase can help you defuse a lot of the tension. Let’s find out what it means to have a symbolic word for couples.
If you’ve been married for more than a few years, you’ll recognize yourselves in the following scenario: Something minor is said that triggers Partner A, who reacts in a sharp tone. Partner B reacts to Partner A’s tone with a crescendo of tone, and soon an arms race begins between the couple over something as bland as who unloads the dishwasher more often.
The most ridiculous example was from my 39-year marriage – and that’s the shameful truth – who had to turn their heads further to see the clock when one of us asked what time it was. (“Why don’t you look?” “Why don’t you look?” “Because you’re closer.” “No, you!”)
Left unchecked, these power struggles battle to take on a frivolous life of their own, and every little life detail becomes a potential landmine affair. When I see couples in my office stuck in these recurring cycles, I recommend they find a code word they can use when tensions start to run high.
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There are only a few necessary rules
1) It should be a symbolic word that you find funny
2) Whoever takes the initiative to use the password, the other partner agrees early to stop firing automatically. That is, stop talking about the topic for x amount of time, and that x should be at least 20 minutes. (Brain research shows that when we flip our lid, it takes at least 20 minutes for us to calm down again.) It can take more than 20 minutes, but never less.
Finding the funny code word can be a fun process. Think of a movie character that makes you both angry, a real-life person, or an experience from the past every time you bring them up, it brings a smile to both of your faces.
The funny element is important for several reasons
a) It prevents you from taking yourselves and your power struggle too seriously.
b) The element of humor enters into a tense situation.
c) He immediately associates you with something positive that you share when you are not fighting.
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So if you recognize these patterns in your relationship, be proactive and take a few moments with your partner to come up with a funny code word to use the next time one of you brings up a fight over something silly.
