Could your partner help you overcome negative experiences and behaviors and pave the way for more positive sexual encounters in the present and future? Sure! Of course, it helps to have open discussions about issues, but if your partner is in denial about certain behaviors, we have some new information that may help you work on improving your relationship.
Understanding How Our Time Perspectives Affect Us
When our time perspectives are skewed, often in the negative zone, it’s not just us who are affected. The people we interact with—family, friends, coworkers, even the innocent shop assistant—can be affected as well.
Many therapeutic approaches, including self-help, focus on a person’s history and how past events influence their thought processes. But we’ve found that constantly reliving negative past experiences can have very negative and lasting effects on people. For example, a person may be stuck between a painful experience (“past negativity”) and a hopeless present (“present fatalism”). If they think about the future, it’s often negative. Time perspective therapy (TPT) instead focuses on balancing the person’s past negatives with positive memories of the past, their present destiny with some present pleasure, and making plans for a bright and positive future.
You may recognize your partner—or yourself—in the following examples of how TPT works in a romantic relationship.
PastNegativeLovers
PastNegative partners block themselves for any number of reasons—past abuse, neglect, or infidelity; religious upbringing; poor parental role models; narcissistic parents; divorced parents; the list goes on. If your partner is stuck in the past, he or she may be unable to feel pleasure or enjoy sex or any intimate relationships. He or she may keep you at a distance—emotionally, physically, or spiritually. You may remind him or her of either a good person he or she misses or some loser from their past life that they don’t want to remember. Here’s how to help:
Problem: Your partner may feel unworthy of being loved.
Solution: When the time is right, tell your partner honestly that you love them; and explain their loving aspects. Make this a subtle daily practice: “What I like about you is the way you listen openly and without judgment.”
Problem: Your partner may think that something bad will happen if they feel pleasure or “let it go.” They may feel uncomfortable sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with you.
Solution: This situation requires trust, and building it takes time. Reassure your partner that you are trustworthy through word and deed. Don’t judge them; use empathy and patience. Make it clear that you understand that it will take time for both of you to be able to share things that were previously private and hidden publicly, but that the wait is worth it. You want to become a more honest and compassionate partner.
Problem: To be intimate, your partner may have to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Solution: There’s a good chance that one of the other issues listed in the first paragraph is at play here. As mentioned earlier, this may stem from a deep-rooted personal issue, and time will tell. If you feel the relationship is worth working on or saving, have an honest conversation with your partner and encourage them to seek outside help. Also make it clear that such self-medication never solves any problems, it only represses them and creates new problems of its own. Otherwise, if there is no positive movement, it may be best to move on.
Positive Past Lover
Positive past lovers have many happy memories from the past. They may feel that they were lucky with love. The positive past partner may be widowed or divorced; they had a great relationship with their ex and are optimistic about finding love again. Here’s how to help:
The Problem: Your potential partner may fear that they won’t be able to have another special connection with someone since their partner passed away, or after a breakup or divorce. They may feel that being with someone new would betray the memory of their loved ones and feel guilty about moving on. They may be shy about putting themselves “out there.”
Solution: This will take time and understanding on your part, as well as developing trust on your partner’s part. It’s important not to present yourself as a replacement; no one can replace an ex. But you can be an important part of the new chapter in this person’s life, someone who adds depth to their story without replacing the good old days.
CurrentFateLover
Current fateful partners believe that whatever is meant to happen will happen. In other words, they believe that if they are destined to find “the right person,” that person will magically appear, or that person will find them. Because they expect fate to dictate their future, they have a hard time making decisions. And because they are passive, they sometimes let great people pass them by and notice that the timing isn’t right. Here’s how to help:
The Problem: Your partner is hesitant about whether or not you are “the right person,” even though you’re confident that with a little work, the two of you can be together. If your partner is a Type A, you’d make a great couple. Solution: Instead of bombarding your Type A partner with reasons why you’re “the one,” wait for the right circumstances to provide those examples of positive communication, and include well-thought-out reasons why you’re a good partner in the first place. For example, if your Type A partner mentions past failed relationships and how they didn’t work out, you can listen with empathy and then discuss the strengths you each bring to this new partnership.
Problem: Your partner is having a hard time making decisions—where to eat, which bill to pay, which movie to see, what to wear, etc.
Solution: If you’re a strong Type A, this might be an ideal situation for you, leaving you to make all the decisions. But if you want to help your partner strengthen their decision-making abilities, help them narrow down the number of choices. For example, instead of listing several restaurants or movies to go to, simply suggest just two favorite options and together you decide which one to try.
The Present Hedonist
The present hedonist may not be suitable for partnership at all, as they generally seek out casual relationships or one-night stands. They live in the moment, seek out different sensations and pleasures, and live in their bodies more than their minds. They usually don’t want to take responsibility or aren’t mature enough to handle long-term relationships. Partners in this category can be serial monogamists – passion flares up quickly and then fades just as quickly. Because they crave novelty, they may not last long on their wish list. Present hedonists may have social issues that require professional help, but be careful – they rarely seek it.
The Future-Oriented Lover
Future-oriented lovers often find healthy, long-lasting intimate relationships. They often lose their virginity later than other categories and are often more conscious of practicing safe sex. The flip side is that they often put off relationships and sexual experiences in favor of other career goals. Workaholics often fall into this category. Here’s how to help:
The problem: During cozy, romantic, and intimate times, your future-oriented partner doesn’t seem to be in the moment; they’re easily distracted.
The solution: Become a distraction by playfully engaging your partner. For example, when your partner starts to pull away emotionally, and then physically, there’s nothing more engaging than physical touch. He or she needs to learn to fully enjoy the pleasures of the moment. We recommend a joint massage, followed by talking about what you liked most about the experience. As you learn about your body, you also learn about your partner’s body, and you can give each other positive attention.
The problem: Your partner is a workaholic who seems to put their career before your relationship.
The solution: This is a tricky dilemma—workaholism is a difficult, if not impossible, habit to break. You can help your partner by insisting on making time for alone time together. Make it clear to them that this special time should be respected and honored—and that they need it as much as you do. The frequency and length of this time will depend on your situation; It could be every day, every week, every month, or every few months. You can also visit our website to discuss which time zones you both currently fit into, and what changes might help improve your relationship.
Note: The personality types above are extreme and stereotypical. Most people are a mix of time perspectives. As you can see, negative past and future fateful perspectives may require more help than positive past perspectives, while extremely impulsive present personality types are unlikely to be in the market for ongoing relationships, and future-oriented lovers may want to be your long-term partner but will need to be reminded of your importance in their lives.
Now what?
We hope that if you need some help with your romantic relationship, you are now a little better equipped to understand how and/or why things might be the way they are between you. We also hope that the examples above have been helpful and that you can start working toward a brighter future – together – in the present.
