While narcissists work very hard to project all signs of success and self-confidence to others, narcissists harbor two important secret fears. These two fears drive narcissists to great lengths to avoid the risk of either happening in order to maintain a sense of egoistic balance. What exactly are narcissists’ secret fears?
- Public Humiliation
When narcissists feel like they are losing face or failing at something in public, it creates a lot of psychological distress and cognitive dissonance. Narcissists cannot tolerate failure of any kind and public humiliation is the worst kind of failure that can happen. The narcissist’s ego is a very fragile thing and when they feel like they are being ridiculed or losing the respect of others, it can be very upsetting. The narcissistic ego is the only protection narcissists have from the world and when the integrity of their ego is violated, narcissists often respond in ways that would seem markedly disproportionate to the circumstances to ordinary people. Unfortunately, narcissists’ egos are already so inflated that they never focus on self-growth when they are in relationships. Their self-assessment of their own worth and value reassures them that they have already grown greatly and achieved great success. They are unable to understand why their partner is disappointed in their behavior or in the relationship. Being so out of touch with the reality of relationships, their reaction to their partner’s dissatisfaction is driven by fear.
- Losing Their Partner’s Admiration
Narcissists need their partners to admire them and every day should be a “compliment fest.” When they notice that their partner’s interest or enthusiasm for them is waning, they become desperate to regain their partner’s affection. Narcissists may buy expensive gifts, engage in over-the-top romantic “grand gestures,” or do anything to get their partner to return them to their place.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you will realize early on that little things can send a narcissist into a state of anxiety and fear that the relationship will fail. Being late for an appointment, having to go to work early, going out with your friends, or forgetting to wear the outfit the narcissist wanted you to wear can all be interpreted as intentional acts of disrespect toward the narcissist.
Narcissists view partners as trophies. They also tend to expect partners to show them high levels of respect and appreciation—long after the early “attraction phase” of a relationship has passed. Manipulating a partner is emotional abuse, and narcissists resort to some pretty nasty behaviors if they feel they are losing their grip on their partner. Here are three defense mechanisms that narcissists resort to when they fear their relationships are ending.
Generating jealousy. When they fear their partner is losing interest, they may create situations that generate jealousy in their partners to gain power and control in the relationship. Those narcissists with the most fragile egos incite jealousy to get back at their partners, test the relationship, prove the security of the relationship, and build their own self-esteem.
Instilling guilt. Narcissists will also try to make their partners feel guilty about any behavior that the narcissist believes is signs of disrespect or insufficient gratitude. Narcissists are manipulative individuals who do not hesitate to twist a partner’s words or actions in a way that makes them feel guilty or remorseful about things they have no reason to feel bad about.
Threatening to leave. Narcissists threaten to end the relationship if their partner begins to show independence or act in ways that conflict with the narcissist’s expectations.
SetBoundaries and Stick to Them
One of the best ways to deal with a narcissist’s manipulation tactics is to set clear and firm boundaries that the narcissist will not allow to be violated. This requires a strong will as well as a willingness to recognize that you are dealing with an individual who puts their own needs before yours.
Narcissists have a very difficult time dealing with things when a partner or ex-partner begins to create and enforce boundaries because narcissists cannot imagine having a partner outside of the relationship. Narcissists treat people like objects and use them to meet their own needs; they simply do not understand how to maintain normal relationships. They cannot understand why partners or friends need space and independence to feel fulfilled in a relationship. If you are used to prop up the narcissist’s ego, and if you try to claim some space for yourself, the narcissist may feel like you are trying to take away a part of their identity. Your devotion to the narcissist’s needs is a measure of the narcissist’s self-worth in their mind. When you back off, narcissists will try hard to get you back into their lives. In this case, you will need a strong backbone and a strong support system as you move out of your narcissistic partner’s orbit.
