Key Points
A narcissist may overcommunicate by lecturing, telling everything to them, and playing the victim.
They may overcommunicate by getting emotional or withdrawing when they should be discussing feelings.
Direct communication requires the ability to look inward and talk about difficult, real feelings.
A narcissist often blames others for poor communication, yet the narcissist may be the one with the problem. A narcissist may overcommunicate by endlessly lecturing and instructing others because they believe they are superior. But they may also tend to undercommunicate. When they feel uncomfortable, they will immediately explode in anger, or withdraw completely, rather than discuss how they are feeling.
Although a narcissist may act arrogant, this is probably just a cover for them being deeply insecure. In a relationship, narcissists may not be strong enough to tolerate being wrong, so instead of listening to your point of view and considering a different perspective, they repeat their point of view over and over. Their monologues often feel like a kind of “lecture,” which can be annoying because they seem to be speaking to you from above and dismissing your perspective on things.
Narcissists also often enjoy being the center of attention, so when they feel comfortable in a relationship, they monopolize conversations with stories about themselves and their experiences. They often relate everything to themselves and rarely focus on your plight.
Like their tendency to overcommunicate, their undercommunication style can also be frustrating to those around them. Again, due to deep-rooted insecurities, they may not be strong enough to deal with their uncomfortable feelings. Instead of recognizing and talking about these important emotional states, they often react defensively, attacking others, and shifting blame. This protects them from having to “look in the mirror.” Refusing to look inward and identify how they really feel prevents them from being authentically vulnerable and truly close to others.
After lack of communication through emotion or withdrawal, the narcissist may revert to overcommunicating by using the victim position. Instead of opening up and talking about specific, authentic feelings, they may “play the victim.” When this happens, you may hear a discourse about others who have “wronged” them, including you. They believe this is why they are not responsible for their actions and words. This “victim” discourse may recur over time.
Direct communication in a relationship can be key to its vitality. In a healthy relationship, the ability to process and discuss uncomfortable feelings helps resolve conflict. It also allows for a better understanding of a loved one and increases closeness and trust. Without direct communication, misunderstandings and suffering can increase dramatically. You may open up about the hurt you feel while your partner holds back, justifies their insensitive and unkind actions and words, and things rarely get resolved.
If you find yourself with someone who has a narcissistic communication style and overcommunicates or undercommunicates, it may be important to learn more about how to move forward with this person. In my book, How to Outmaneuver a Narcissist: Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, Work, and Life, you may find the guidance you need.
