One of the primary problems of a narcissist is stunted emotional development.
They may look like adults, but they are unable to function like adults. Narcissists typically operate in the emotional range of a middle school student, 13 or so.
This does not mean that they cannot imitate adult behavior or that they will not resort to the behavior of a toddler.
One piece of evidence that the normal emotional age for narcissists is the middle school range is that teens can be very cruel to each other. Narcissists’ behavior is often cruel in an emotionally stunted manner.
Another indicator of a middle schooler’s narcissistic attitude is their contradictory and temperamental behavior.
When my daughters were in middle school, I was also trying to parent. My mother is a narcissist and my father probably has borderline personality disorder with a lot of narcissistic traits. I had no choice but to see the similarities between my daughters, their friends, my parents, and especially my secret narcissistic mother.
Here are some of the causes of middle school students’ behavior and narcissistic behavior that I have observed firsthand. Known ways to respond to middle school students’ behavior and an explanation of why these responses do not work with emotionally arrested narcissists are also provided.
Related: The Real Reason Why Strong Women Attract Narcissists
#Here are 6 ways that make a narcissist look like a 13-year-old in an adult’s body:
1. Anonymous fear
Middle school students are often irrational, which usually means they have a fear, usually a non-specific fear. A middle school student will do something meaningless and a parent or teacher will ask why he or she did it. The answer is usually a mumbled, “I don’t know” or “Just because.” It’s crazy for a parent or teacher.
Narcissists often do things that don’t make sense, and when questioned, they also cannot give a rational response. This happens when they give a convoluted response that is not an answer at all.
You can help a middle school student avoid doing irrational things in the future by having a discussion with them and uncovering the unknown fear so it can be dealt with.
If you try to discuss the narcissist’s irrational behavior, he will become hostile because he does not want to confront his fears, especially those that have not been recognized.
2. Protecting the self that has not yet been formed
Middle school students are still developing. They don’t yet fully know who they are. But they are uncomfortable with this situation and feel the need to protect that self as it transforms.
Narcissists are a deadly combination of an underdeveloped true self and a fragile false self. This makes them doubly protective. First, they protect their true selves from themselves and do not want to look at it. Second, it takes a lot of protection to maintain a fake persona.
You can help your middle school student behave appropriately by giving him space to protect himself and setting boundaries for behaviors that will not be tolerated.
Giving narcissists space is interpreted as acceptance of their bad behavior. Setting limits on behaviors is seen as a threat. Discussions about behavior are viewed as criticism that can never be tolerated.
Related: Internet Trolls Are Narcissists, Psychopaths And Sadists, Says Study
3. Lack of understanding due to lack of experience
Because their experience is limited, middle school students do not have the understanding they will have when they reach adulthood.
Narcissists’ experience is limited because they limit it. They are only interested in things that help them present, protect, and maintain their false selves. They are not interested in anything that they do not see as a personal benefit.
In short, they have limited, self-imposed life experience. Because this limited experience is self-imposed, it is not the same stage for a middle school student; Narcissists will have this limited experience for the rest of their lives.
It’s not fair to expect a middle school student to see things from the perspective of an experienced adult. As my grandfather used to say, “You just have to let the teenagers in.” Tolerance, education, and patience are a successful formula for dealing with incomprehension in a 13-year-old.
However, lack of experience and understanding are choices on the part of the narcissist. It’s like a deaf man who turns off his hearing aids when someone says something he doesn’t want to hear.
4. The need to maintain appearances
Middle schoolers need to look cool, though, up to speed, or whatever the phrase their generation uses.
Narcissists need to maintain their false selves.
You can help middle school students by giving them some space again and letting them know that you are not taking your distance from them as an insult.
When my niece was in middle school, her grandfather would often take her to school. I dreaded the thought of getting out of his huge SUV in front of all the other middle school students. She begged him to park his car at a nearby church so she could go to school. Her grandfather complied, even though he thought it was ridiculous. This allowed my niece to continue the appearances that were important to her at the time.
Keeping up appearances is not a phase for narcissists; They are 13 years old forever. They are desperate to maintain their false self, so anything they see as an obstacle to maintaining their false self is an all-encompassing threat.
Anyone is subject to punishment if the narcissist feels threatened. Unfortunately, you never know what will be considered a threat.
Related: How I (Barely) Survived My Narcissist Mother
5. Peer pressure
Belonging is important to everyone including middle schoolers and narcissists.
For middle school students, belonging often means acting and dressing like the group they want to belong to.
When my oldest daughter was in middle school, there was talk by the school district about students wearing uniforms. My daughter complained that she didn’t want to wear the uniform. I told her I didn’t understand her aversion to uniforms because she was already wearing them. She replied that no, she did not.
I reminded her that she and all of her friends wear the same set of clothes every day — a T-shirt, jeans, and Timberland boots. She didn’t appreciate my sense of humor.
Narcissists need to belong to groups they believe are important, and any important group depends on the false self the narcissist presents to the world.
My narcissistic mother sympathizes with a local radio talk show host and claims that she and the show host are better than the average person at seeing the true motives of politicians and government officials. She gets very defensive if anything bad is said about the talk show host.
Again, this is the stage that middle school students go through as they try to develop themselves and find their place. Being open to middle school students’ questions and helping them explore will help them get through this stage in a way that helps them mature into true adulthood.
My uncle used to refer to one of his friends as a “perpetual teenager.” This is a good portrayal of narcissists, except they are perpetually 13 years old.
They are not exploring or trying to find the right place for them. They decided how they wanted to be perceived—as their false self—and created a fantasy world to present that false self. The pressure they experience comes from within, not from their peers. Plus, they’re so cool that there’s no one like them.
6. Avoid shyness
If you want to see a middle schooler freak out, embarrass them. Come to think of it, embarrassment also makes narcissists feel terrible.
Middle school students are sensitive to shyness because they are still in the formative stage. They don’t yet understand that there’s a difference between feeling embarrassed about something they’ve done and feeling ashamed of who they are.
Narcissists are sensitive to shame, because shame, like an oyster, is an annoying grain of sand around which they have shaped the pearl of their false self.
You can help middle school students deal with the shame they feel by listening to them and showing them that everyone is embarrassed. You can also help them realize that embarrassment and shame are not the same thing.
There is nothing you can do to alleviate the narcissist’s shame. The best thing is to stay out of their way because they are looking for someone to shame.
