Let’s start by saying that perfect relationships don’t exist.
Most of us can be a little dysfunctional from time to time, but what makes this different from a dysfunctional relationship is awareness of the problem and the desire to solve it.
So what are dysfunctional relationships?
Dysfunctional relationships are relationships that do not serve their function: they do not support those involved emotionally and do not encourage communication or healthy behavior.
This term can be associated with any type of relationship, whether it is a romantic relationship or a family relationship. Any bond between two people can become dysfunctional or start out as dysfunctional.
Other terms used to describe similar behavioral patterns are toxic relationships and codependent relationships.
A codependent or codependent relationship is when a codependent person gets trapped in a relationship with a partner who is often (but not always) an alcoholic, drug addict, or abuser.
Interdependence makes the relationship more important than itself. This term is used to describe a relationship in which one person cannot leave despite being emotionally or physically abused.
A toxic relationship is a term used to describe a more serious case of mental, emotional, and physical abuse.
All of these terms describe relationships based on unhealthy behavior, and are often used to describe the experiences of people who grew up in dysfunctional families (for example, adult children of alcoholics, drug addicts, abusers, narcissists, and other people who grew up in dysfunctional family systems ).
Unfortunately, it is not unusual for these people to end up in relationships with toxic people and repeat the pattern they learned earlier in life.
One of the most important things missing in dysfunctional relationships is accountability.
It is important to understand that every relationship can become dysfunctional at some point. This often happens when there are unaddressed issues that lead to passive aggressive and other harmful behaviors.
After knowing all this, it is a good idea to pay attention to the signs of dysfunctional patterns in our relationships and try to address them properly. Below are the most common signs.
- Recurring unresolved conflicts
Conflicts stem from a lack of understanding. Inability to understand others.
They cannot be avoided in any relationship. It is normal to have conflicts, especially when it comes to some kind of crisis, new life stages, and family matters.
In fact, it can often lead to better understanding and improved relationship quality.
Without conflict, relationships will stagnate. Only when we confront something do we have the opportunity to change it for the better.
However, the benefits of conflicts are not always easy to see, especially when the people involved do not see the conflict as an opportunity for growth but as a way to impose power on someone else.
In this case, conflict is nothing but a destructive form of communication that causes imbalance and separation.
Taking into consideration all that has been said, it is still true that frequent quarrels that do not end in mutual understanding is a harmful behavior pattern.
When people involved in a relationship do not see problems as something to be solved through joint forces, but rather accuse each other of being the bad guy who caused the problem, there is no way out.
The blame game is a vicious cycle.
Treating the problem as something that does not apply to them is due to a lack of understanding and similar experiences.
Working to solve the problem together is the only way to turn conflicts into something useful.
- Imbalance of power
As I said before, in order to achieve healthy communication, people must work together. The thing that prevents this from happening is a power imbalance.
What is a power imbalance?
Have you ever felt like you’re lower on the hierarchy in a relationship that’s supposed to be based on equality and respect?
As if you are under someone else’s command and do not have the right to speak or do certain things? That’s it.
Instead of using one’s advantageous dominant traits in a way that is beneficial and mentally, emotionally or physically stimulating, there is a tendency to exploit others because of the opportunity.
Relationships require sharing and cooperation, and it takes two. Imbalance occurs when one person is not willing to cooperate or participate.
This type of behavior usually manifests with one partner being the decision maker, which basically means that what I want is more important than what you want.
This obviously equates to emotional abuse and makes the other partner feel smaller and oppressed.
The goal of a relationship is to support each other, share responsibilities, and be there for each other.
In a normal relationship, you shouldn’t be afraid to speak up or feel inadequate to say or do something you like.
- Emotional separation
Responding to partners’ needs, engaging with their interests, and supporting them in what they love to do is one of the important things that builds trust and security.
Emotional trust builds intimacy and intimacy is what keeps a couple together.
Intimacy is a safe place and knowing that you have someone to depend on, someone who accepts you for who you are, values you, and loves you. It’s not just about the physical aspects.
Every strong relationship requires physical, mental, and emotional connection. If one of them is missing, an imbalance occurs.
Lack of emotional connection leads to relationship problems. Couples feel distant from each other, and there is a fear of sharing feelings for various reasons.
In order to regain intimacy, it is necessary to allow vulnerability.
- Blame and guilt
Blame is definitely one of the most common ways to ruin a relationship.
how?
Constant blaming is a form of emotional abuse. Unjustified blame leaves emotional scars and destroys a person’s self-esteem.
It is common for the person to blame to begin to believe accusations about things they have never done before.
With blame comes guilt, and with guilt the person being blamed continues to lower their standards and ends up in a vicious cycle of blame and guilt, tolerating the abusive behavior.
Blame is often one of the early red flags. It can start with passive aggression and slowly turn into open accusations.
- Threats of immigrants
Another very important dysfunctional interaction is the threat of separation and abandonment. This falls under the category of emotional manipulation, using fear as fuel.
No matter what kind of past experiences a person has had or how mature they are, the threat of abandonment will leave emotional scars and raise deep-rooted fears in all humans – loneliness, isolation, and rejection.
Dysfunctional partners will use this fear to control their victims’ actions.
Verbal abuse is very real, just like physical abuse. Unfortunately, it is not always recognized as such.
- Lack of respect for boundaries and free will
“No partner in a loving relationship should feel like they have to give up an essential part of themselves to make it viable.” – May Sarton
To understand what it means to violate boundaries, it’s easier when we look at what healthy boundaries look like.
While it is true that relationships are built on intimacy and sharing personal things with the other person, that does not mean that we are not allowed to have privacy.
All healthy relationships have boundaries, and they are intentionally set by the couple who has previously talked about what makes them feel comfortable and what doesn’t make them feel comfortable.
You should never be asked to sacrifice your friends, your dreams, or your dignity.
For example, if you don’t like public displays of affection, sharing passwords to your personal accounts, spending time with certain people, or going certain places, your feelings and needs should be respected.
As long as you’re not taking away the freedom of others and care for their well-being you’re allowed to have your own preferences.
- Hopelessness
You don’t have to fix anyone.
If you constantly feel frustrated, oppressed, and sad in a relationship, this is a warning sign. If you feel like you can’t live your life the way you want, the chances of you being in a dysfunctional relationship are high.
Feeling happy is closely linked to the quality of the relationships we have in life, especially the closest relationships.
Maybe you know you love your partner but things aren’t going well between you. Sometimes people aren’t compatible, and other times some bigger issues — like mental illness — aren’t addressed.
This can be true for both partners. When it comes to a mental health issue, there are a lot of possible scenarios that should be taken seriously and discussed with a therapist.
You may not be aware of the sacrifices you are making for your partner, and they don’t seem to realize it either. This behavior will, consciously or unconsciously, create a feeling of hopelessness and lack of appreciation.
In this case, you need to know that you cannot save others, and you cannot do their work for them.
It is true that being in a relationship means being there for each other, but first we have to start with ourselves and realize our self-worth, potential and limitations.
- Resentment
Resentment is the silent killer of relationships.
This appears to be a result of feeling as if you are deprived of empathy and that your experience is not taken seriously or validated.
The real problem occurs because the person chooses to remain silent, believing that the other person should notice their feelings – which usually does not happen.
This leads to inevitable passive aggressive behavior that eventually leads to fights. Accumulated resentment and hurt make people give up on their relationship without even trying to repair it.
What can be learned from this?
It is important to be honest with others and never assume their feelings.
It’s always helpful to ask someone to share their perspective, feelings, and thoughts. Each of us experiences life differently.
- Disloyalty
One of the very exciting things in a relationship is the breaking of trust.
This does not only happen as a result of lying or infidelity, but also includes talking to someone outside the relationship and sharing intimate and private information without the partner’s consent.
It’s okay to ask friends for relationship advice, but the problem is sharing all the vulnerable feelings partners share with confidence.
Vulnerability takes a great deal of strength and courage to share with most people, which is exactly why betrayal hurts so much more.
