When we were growing up, most of us weren’t familiar with polyamory or polyamorous relationships. That’s because monogamy is the most common approach to love and relationships, and it’s ingrained in the fabric of society. Maybe your parents were married for decades, or maybe every other relationship you’ve ever experienced involved just two people. While monogamy may seem like the only way, there are many other ways to approach love. We all have a choice and more and more people are choosing to pursue polyamorous unions.
WhatIsPolyamory?
Polyamory is a form of consensual or ethical non-monogamy where people can have romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time, says sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. “Everyone who’s in a polyamorous relationship has agreed to the dynamic of the relationship,” she says.
The word polyamory can be broken down into two parts: poly, which has Greek roots and translates to “many or more than one,” and amor, which is Latin for “love.” Together, the word refers to having many loves. And while the word itself hasn’t been around for very long, polygamy has been in practice since the beginning of time, according to Menezes.
“Of course, there are many ways that people can structure their relationships, so there can be many types and structures of polygamy,” she tells MBG.
polygamy vs polyamory
While the words sound similar, polygamy and polyamory aren’t the same thing. They’re quite different, according to Kamila Dolinova, a counselor who works with the polyamory community.
Like monogamy, Dolinova explains, polygamy has to do with marriage: marrying many people instead of one (mono). But historically, most polygamous cultures only allowed one man to marry many women. Women rarely had the freedom to marry many men or have relationships with anyone other than their husbands.
“Polygamy tends to operate as an oppressive double standard, often to have many children,” she says. “On the other hand, polygamy can involve any number of people and a mix of genders, and each may or may not be married to anyone.”
How Polyamory Works
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to any relationship, and that’s true for polyamory relationships as well. Everyone practices polyamory a little differently. There are no hard and fast rules, but people in any given relationship set their boundaries and agreements. The key is to make sure you respect any boundaries and agreements that have been set and communicate openly about your desires if they evolve beyond the original terms.
Here are some ways polyamory might look like:
- “Opening” an existing relationship
Sometimes, Dolinova says, a couple “opens” their relationship, which might mean that one or both of them start dating other people (with mutual consent from both partners). This can also sometimes mean that a third person dates both partners, forming a threesome (also known as a triad). Alternatively, a couple might choose to become romantically or sexually involved with each other.
- Hierarchical Approach
Within a polyamorous relationship, some may choose to prioritize one partner over the others, making that person their “primary” partner. There’s also the option of having multiple primary partners or leaving room for additional relationships that can blossom into the primary level, or those who prefer a hierarchical approach may choose to stick with one primary relationship. In this setup, the other partners are considered secondary partners and often have to accept the rules or time limits set by the members of the primary relationship.
But while the words primary and secondary have long been used to refer to more hierarchical relationships, many people now find these words “oppressive,” says Dolinova. Some people instead (or in addition to) use the term nesting partners to refer to partners who share a home or living space.
- Non-hierarchical Approach
A polyamorous relationship can also exist without placing one partner or relationship above the others, which is sometimes referred to as relationship anarchy. You don’t have to have any primary partners; Alternatively, you can choose to have multiple relationships without labeling them. Terms like interdependent partners are still useful to simply refer to the partners you live with without indicating a hierarchy.
- Solo polyamory
“Some people practice ‘solo polyamory,’ where they have multiple partners but don’t live with any of them. You could say that there are as many ways to practice polyamory as there are people in such relationships. The one common thread is that all the people involved need to know each other and be willing to communicate,” explains Dolinova.
Polyamory terms to know:
Ethical non-monogamy: This is the umbrella term for consensual relationships where people agree to have more than one romantic or intimate relationship at a time. This means that everyone involved in the relationship is aware of and agrees with the dynamics of the relationship.
The mated: This is your partner’s partner. Mated may or may not interact with each other, depending on the structure of the relationship. Polyamorous relationships: Polyamorous relationships are a group of people who are connected in some way through their romantic relationships. This does not mean that they all have to date each other.
Polyamorous: A term that refers to when a person is polyamorous but is not currently open to new partners or relationships.
Compatibility: The word compatibility describes feeling happy, excited, or excited about the idea of your partner being happy, romantically or sexually, with someone else.
Triads and quads: Relationships that involve three or four people. A triad can also be referred to as a throuple, meaning that each person is actively dating the other two people in the relationship. A quad can consist of two couples.
V or vee: A V relationship occurs when two people are dating a third person, but are not dating each other. The third person is often referred to as a “hinge.”
Interdependent partner: The partner you live with. They may or may not also be considered a “primary partner,” meaning you prioritize them over other relationships.
