Isn’t it bad enough, that after you get the strength and courage to leave your narcissist, after you actually lose your self-worth, your youth, your time, a lot of your money, your mind, and everything else you lost because of your being? In a narcissistic relationship, now you have to lose your children too? It’s not fair; This is not true.
You have watched your narcissist successfully convince mutual friends, other community members, and sometimes family members that you are the crazy one and he is the victim, through his skillful manipulation strategies. People are deceitful and don’t realize it. Your good name is slandered. You feel alone, humiliated, frustrated, discouraged, and vindictive.
Now, your children are exposed to the smear campaign against you and you find that it actually works. It’s enough to make you either curl up in the fetal position and surrender, or erupt in anger like an exploding volcano. Of course, doing either would confirm the smear campaign’s thesis that you are deranged and crazy.
If you talk about the situation, others will not understand and will simply conclude on their own that the other party must be right, you are psychotic. It’s a no-win situation. Don’t say anything and your name will be tarnished. Say anything and your insanity will be confirmed.
If you talk to your children about the situation, you will drag them into the middle of your relationship problems with their other parent, which is unacceptable.
Does no contact include no contact with your children as well?
When you seek help from a therapist, you will often find that he or she is just as confused as you are, because people in the counseling community are often not well-equipped to handle these relationship dynamics. Nobody, really.
The courts rarely help and the problem often worsens. If your children are not minors, court intervention is meaningless. Additionally, you cannot legally force anyone to see the truth. Denial is denial, and brainwashing cannot be easily countered.
So, what should parents do under these circumstances? Here are some helpful suggestions:
Don’t be defensive. I know this is difficult, but it is essential for your peace of mind. Remember that throughout your entire relationship with the narcissist, you were always on the defensive. Don’t let it continue to keep you on this path, even through your children. You don’t have to defend yourself. You don’t have to be a perfect person and always show others why you are worthy.
In practice, the way you do this is to change course whenever you feel defensive. If you feel defensive, don’t speak up, and don’t try to make anyone else see the truth. He goes for a walk. Write in your diary. Call a friend and vent. Do something else until this feeling stops stressing you out.
be strong. Don’t give in to feelings of despair and defeat. You have no leverage if you give in and surrender to your weakest. Your children are best served by feeling your power and not seeing you being manipulated by the other parent. It is best to remain steadfast, stable, strong and determined.
Don’t give in to the need for your children’s approval. It’s not healthy or wise to seek anyone’s approval, even if that person is your descendant. Once you need your children to approve of you, you have given your authority to them (and, by proxy, to the other parent.) In order to do this, you must continue to check in with yourself and get external validation from your secure relationships and from your families. Spiritual resources.
Realize that you are not alone. Other parents are struggling too. While being around other parents is not a solution to the problem, it is important to keep the right perspective. What I mean by this is that other parents, even those who are not in narcissistic relationships, also have relationship (and other) problems with their children.
Many parents have children who reject them or resort to drugs or unhealthy relationships despite their parents’ wishes. Adult children often choose a lifestyle or belief system that goes against everything their parents stood for while raising them. There will be no good ending to trying to force your children to see things from your point of view.
Many parents also suffer from other difficult parenting circumstances, such as their child facing some personal problem where the parent is unable to help such as a health problem, bullying, criminal or other situation beyond their control.
Maintain a healthy perspective. As mentioned above, it is important to keep the right perspective. Having a balanced perspective is essential to maintaining your sanity. The best way to do this is not to react to your feelings, but to think things through with balance and maturity.
In essence, don’t panic, stay calm, and be a problem solver. Reacting with strong emotions won’t help you, but thinking about things in an unemotional way will help in the end. Look at the big picture, and resist the urge to join the “War of the Roses” with your ex.
State your position once and then move on. It is only fair that you explain your position on the matter to your children in order to shed light on the truth. Having your voice is important for recovering from narcissistic abuse. It is said that there is no broken record; State your position once, then move on.
Accept practice. Don’t dwell on the negativity of everything. Narcissists do nothing but create a spiral of drama that leads your life down a drain. Pull yourself out of the drain and land on solid ground, where peace and sunshine abound. Don’t allow a narcissist to steal your joy, even if he can manipulate your children into his web of deception and ugliness.
