Within a vast list of toxic behaviors, triangulation is among the most well-known. It is very common, especially among individuals with narcissistic tendencies, and can be overt or insidious, and many people do not realize they have been triangulated until it is too late. In fact, those who regularly manipulate others will resort to triangulation because it is an easy, low-cost, but high-reward behavior.

Related : Narcissism: Delusion, Fantasy, or Excessive Confidence?

Although it is well known in unhealthy and toxic family dynamics, it is not limited to just families. Triangulation can occur in any relationship including friendships, romantic relationships, and in the workplace. But what exactly is triangulation? Why is this a common manipulation tactic? How can you recognize it?

What is triangulation?

Triangulation is when a toxic or manipulative person, often someone with strong narcissistic traits, brings a third person into their relationship in order to stay in control. There will be limited or no contact between the two triangular figures except through the manipulator. They may appear in different forms, but they all revolve around dividing and conquering, or pitting people against each other.

It is a very effective strategy to gain an advantage over perceived competitors by manipulating them into conflicts with each other. Triangulation is a technique used by individuals with narcissistic tendencies to soothe and protect their egos, in part because they lack complete relationships between objects. It is the inability to see that most people have a mixture of good and bad qualities and see things only in black or white.

Triangulation and the family dynamic of the golden child scapegoat
Within a dysfunctional family unit, this is the classic golden child scapegoat dynamic. An unhealthy, toxic, and narcissistic caregiver often divides their good self-image and bad self-image into two distinct parts and then projects them onto their children. As a result, one child becomes the good child or golden child, and the other becomes the bad child or scapegoat.

The golden child is perfect, and it seems he can do no wrong. But the scapegoat is undervalued and only does wrong. The children themselves are of no importance, and their preferences, personalities, feelings, and even humanity are ignored, especially if they are at odds with parental expectations.

If there is only one child, both good and evil can be projected onto the child, but not at the same time; If there are more than two children, other children may be incorporated into the dynamic to varying degrees. These expectations may be stable over time, or unstable and change depending on how the caregiver currently feels about the child.

Triangulation in romantic relationships

Likewise, in a romantic relationship, a manipulator will bring another person, often not a new romantic interest but perhaps a platonic friend, into their primary intimate relationship in order to create discord, confusion, and jealousy. The troubled individual will enjoy attention, whether negative or positive, and may allow Tris individuals to get to know each other so that they fight for their attention.

Sometimes, Triangle individuals may not even know that they are being used to manipulate others, or only one of them may be aware of it. Worse still, a person who tends towards narcissism may objectify someone they are no longer in contact with in order to control the people they are in contact with.

Related : Setting Boundaries with a Narcissist

Here, as in the family version of triadism, division and projection also occur. The shiny new partner or friend is portrayed as perfect, while the former holder of that position is devalued as completely flawed. Who is ideal and who is undervalued is completely arbitrary and dependent on the manipulator, and may shift back and forth. Moreover, it is not based on reality.

Examples of triangulation

1

Joe and Sarah are siblings. In their mothers’ eyes, Joe could do no wrong, especially since he was her beloved son. Joe often got into trouble over the years, getting kicked out of school, doing drugs, and even stealing from his parents. However, he got anything he could have wanted and more. New electronics, his high school education is fully paid for, and he is allowed to live at home without any expenses.

However, Sarah had to get a job as soon as she was old enough to work. Her mother blamed her for stealing Joe, even when it was clear it wasn’t her fault. Once Sarah turned 18, her mother kicked her out and told her she was on her own. Sarah has accomplished a lot since then, including an excellent education that she paid for, and a successful career as a businesswoman. But her mother ignores this. In fact, nothing I accomplished was ever recognized. Joe, on the other hand, accomplished nothing and was praised endlessly.

2

Will and Anna have been together for a few months. During this time, Will showered Anna with affection, attention, and lots of gifts. Anna had fallen madly in love with Will, and there was talk of marriage, children, and an amazing future. He told her he loved her, that she was perfect, and that they were meant for each other. However, over the past month, Anna has noticed Will texting less than he used to, barely answering her questions, and otherwise becoming very mysterious. Sometimes his stories change, especially regarding where he’s been and who he’s been with. He even started blaming her for things that weren’t her fault.

She realizes that Will has a new girlfriend, Lindsey, whom he knows through work. Sometimes, Will compares her to Lindsay, and she tells Will that it hurts her feelings, but he responds by telling her that she’s jealous and there’s nothing to worry about. Unbeknownst to Anna, Lindsay believes she is in a new relationship with Will. Sometimes he texts Anna in front of Lindsay, but tells Lindsay not to worry about it. Eventually, both women become jealous of each other and compete for Will’s attention. Meanwhile, Will gets a lot of attention and drama to fuel his need to control the situation.

Triangulation: Summary and final words

People who triangulate see people as objects that are only meant to be reflections or extensions of themselves, to serve them when they need to protect their ego. Triangulation is a common tactic used by people with strong narcissistic tendencies and other dark personality traits. It’s easy to pull, costs little, and gets the job done.