Psychologist Steven Johnson writes that a narcissist is someone who has “buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed compensatory false self.” This alternate personality to the true self often comes across as arrogant, “above others,” manipulative, self-absorbed, and extremely insensitive.
It’s not easy when you’re negatively affected by the machinations of a chronic narcissist, especially if that person is your romantic partner, parent, child, relative, friend, co-worker, or supervisor. How do you tell someone they are behaving narcissistically? Here are four ideas for effective communication, with references from my books How to Deal with Narcissists Successfully and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Towards a Higher Self. The first two pieces of advice are indirect, and the second are direct. Use them as appropriate depending on the situation.
- Ask clarifying questions
A good way to diplomatically draw someone’s attention to their narcissistic behavior is to ask clarifying questions. For example, when you notice that a narcissist is making unreasonable demands or demands (such as expecting you to always do things his way, or manipulating you to meet his own selfish needs), focus on the behavior by asking some probing questions to find out. If the narcissist has enough self-awareness to recognize the inequality in the schema.
For example:
“Does this make sense to you?”
“Does what you want from me seem fair?”
“Do I have an opinion on this?”
“Are you asking me or telling me?”
“Do you really expect me to…?”
When you ask the above questions, you are holding up a mirror so that the narcissist can see the true nature of his ruse.
- Use humor and wit
Humor and wit are powerful communication tools. Years ago, I was at a friend’s dinner party when one of the guests, known for being self-consciously self-absorbed, was eating a disproportionate amount of appetizers. When the host commented that the appetizer, a delicacy divided evenly for each guest, was meant to be shared, the narcissist said dismissively, “I’m fine,” and helped himself to more. “Of course you’re fine, because that’s all that matters,” the host responded with good humor. The guest finally got the hint, and behaved politely for the rest of the evening.
When used appropriately, humor and wit can highlight the truth, disarm difficult behavior, and show that you have superior composure.
- Separate the behavior from the person
Often an effective way to point out a person’s narcissism, while at the same time allowing the individual’s flexibility to change, is to separate the behavior from the person. For example, instead of saying “You are a narcissist,” say “You act like a narcissist” or “This [specify behavior] is narcissistic.”
“You are a narcissist” means that this is how the person is, and that there is no way to change. On the other hand, saying “You are acting like a narcissist” or “This behavior is narcissistic” indicates that the person has the ability to change by making different and better choices.
- Ask directly whether the individual is a narcissist
The final tip is to simply ask the person who displays a clear pattern of narcissistic traits, “Are you a narcissist?” or “Do you consider yourself a narcissist?” These straightforward questions may seem surprising, but research suggests that many narcissists, when confronted with this topic, not only openly acknowledge their narcissism, but are proud of it. Since narcissists often feel inferior on the inside, flaunting their selfish appearance provides a temporary distraction from their deep sense of inferiority.
Of course, it often takes more than an indirect or even direct reminder to force a narcissist to become more rational, reconsider his or her actions, or treat you with respect.
