Thanks to modern technology, dating has become one of the easiest and most difficult equations to master. With the touch of a button, one can sign up and start swiping through eligible matches almost instantly. The ease of choosing a partner is compounded by the availability and anonymity that apps provide. But with this anonymity comes the opportunity for narcissists to hide their true selves while compiling their digital victim list and maintaining their perceived power.
“Ghosting” is a relatively recent dating term. Urban Dictionary defines it as stopping or cutting off contact with someone without warning. This can be done by blocking phone numbers, social media profiles, and dating accounts; Or the person ghosting will leave the other person in “reading” mode and never answer. In a 2017 HuffPost article, shadows were described as “the ultimate silent treatment” (Borgetta).
Most diagnosed narcissists are male (APA, 2013) and this was echoed in a 2017 Elle.com survey where 27% of women reported having been ghosted. Jack, 30, admits he has pursued women in the past to avoid confrontation and conflict, and says it’s easier to block a number and move on. “It wasn’t a serious relationship, and she was hounding me for why I wouldn’t answer her anymore.” Robert, 40, publicly admits to ghosting several women in the past. When asked why, he had no reason. His latest victim was a woman he spoke to for over a week, even going so far as to set up a date; Then he just stopped responding to her texts.
The opinions of the two men above do not necessarily reflect their narcissism or narcissistic traits; However, it helps piece together the reasons why people choose ghosting. The main causes of ghosting have nothing to do with the person being ghosted; Ironically, the reasons reflected the shortcomings of the individual doing the ghosting. Avoidance and fear of conflict are the most common self-reported reasons (Borgueta, 2017).
The act of ghosting reflects the main traits of a narcissist, especially low self-esteem, obsession with perceived power and control, and lack of concern for others. The reason narcissists walk away without a final goodbye is due to the fact that they lack the important human components to care about how their actions affect others. As long as they are comfortable, it doesn’t matter what others feel.
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Narcissists often form friendships, partnerships, and alliances strictly to advance their interests (APA, 2013). They consider themselves incredibly unique and special and put on an elaborate exterior to protect their fragile self-esteem. By being the ones to leave in the relationship, they maintain power and prevent the blow that comes with being “dumped.” Individuals with narcissistic traits are described as being emotionally cold and unable to tolerate or respect the feelings of others (APA, 2013). Expressing emotions is a sign of weakness, not strength, and narcissists view these people with disgust. Ghosting cuts through the emotions of a breakup and leaves a trail free of tears, pleading, or arguments.
The responsibility for picking up the pieces of narcissistic chaos falls on the living, or whoever was ghosted. “Ghosting is the cruelest form of rejection,” says Moriah, 37. Katrina, an East Coast to West Coast resident, went on five dates with a guy and thought it was going well, “but I tried to call him and when I realized I was being ghosted, I got kind of depressed. I finally felt comfortable with him, and we always had a good time.” With fun discussions and conversations. I just woke up and I was like… no text saying, ‘Hey, this isn’t going to work.’
Thirty-something Kelly has been ghosted “more times than I can count.” The most puzzling situation was at the beginning of the COVID-19 outbreak when quarantine was first implemented. “We met online and started talking. Over the course of the final weeks and months, he called me every morning and evening and we were planning our first date after quarantine. We were sending each other pictures throughout the day, always staying in touch and getting to know each other. Then suddenly… Nothing. All communication stopped. I sent some messages just asking if everything was ok, if he was healthy, and no response. I was worried because of the virus. It was very strange.
Although ghosting is often the preferred way to end a short flirtation, it’s not limited to just short-term encounters. When dating a narcissist, even long-term relationships can be vulnerable to shades of empathy, compassion, and respect. Ghosting can have a devastating effect on a life’s self-esteem and mental health. Moriah had been in a committed relationship for about a year when her partner stopped communicating. “We lived together for three months during the pandemic, then we had a misunderstanding over one text message and he was gone. I felt confused, sad, angry, unimportant and unworthy.
Alison, 45, has had an on-and-off relationship with a serial ghoster for more than a decade. “I used to feel like I was the problem, but now I know it’s him. I used to feel like if I acted a certain way or did the right things, he would want to be with me. But now I know that none of that is true… Now I just act myself and don’t play games.” In a game of chasing him.
There is power in realizing your worth as a living being. Narcissists are truly ghosts. They are mere shadows of humans, lacking any depth or emotion. Shadows are painful and can make you feel worthless, but they have nothing to do with the living: shadows have to do with the dead.
