Many adult children of narcissistic parents find themselves in the sandwich generation. Statistics reveal that 1 in 8 adults simultaneously support their children and grandchildren while also assisting elderly parents.
It’s a stressful time for most people, but what if that parent is a narcissist and therefore you don’t have a strong emotional connection? There may have been childhood abuse and a lifelong lack of bonding or closeness. Maybe you’ve had limited contact for years or even no contact. Maybe you have a superficial relationship and only talk about the weather or mundane topics. Your father has now reached the age where he needs hospice care. What do you do?
“The stress is overwhelming and I feel like a piece of meat in a sandwich,” a client recently told me. Her pain was palpable. The struggle for resources extending in many directions is certainly a sign of the times. But there is additional pressure on adult children of narcissistic parents. When a narcissist grows up, a healthy parental hierarchy is skewed. The child is expected to be there to serve his or her parents and is unlikely to get his or her own needs met. As that parent becomes older, the expectations become more severe. The search for the soul begins. Suddenly, guilt, apparent disconnection, and disturbing childhood memories cause an internal battle. Things don’t change in narcissistic families. Patterns repeat. You find yourself in another stage of adult life. Where do you go from here?
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I’ve spoken with adult children of narcissistic parents of all stripes. Some have taken in their parents, others have not maintained any contact, some have suffered because they had no feelings when a parent died, and others are in the thick of it now. Reconciling resources and care involves the inevitable rebound of contradictory feelings. I believe the answers lie with each individual and family circumstance and depend greatly on your stage of recovery.
In my study of maternal narcissism, I have found that most “others” do not understand this struggle with “mothers.” I think it’s the same if the parent is narcissistic. This leaves you with few people you can rely on, talk to, and gain understanding. Within the narcissistic family, you are likely to find separation or denial with other members, siblings, etc., some of whom have embraced education and understanding and most of whom have not. So, it stays with you and your internal debate.
Guilt is not your best teacher. But I think there are two important things to keep in mind. One is your value system and the other is the recovery phase. Some people might react like this: “Grandma needs us!” Or “We’re terrible people if we don’t respond now” or “My father was always demanding of us and here it is again.” We can safely take some time to look within ourselves and feel good about it. It may be lonely, but it’s part of this mature season.
Let’s first look at the recovery phase. In Will I Be Good Enough? Through the healing of daughters of narcissistic mothers, I have outlined a five-step recovery model for adult children of narcissistic fathers. In brief, the first three steps include acceptance, grief, and separation/individuation while building a strong sense of self. Interestingly, I have found that decisions about the relationship you will eventually have with the narcissistic parent cannot be properly made until these steps are complete. This means that internal recovery work must be done first. Many people want to move forward with the recovery process before completing other steps. This may cause you to make decisions that don’t seem right in the end. So, if you have successfully and sequentially completed steps one, two, and three, your decision about what to do with the aging narcissistic parent will fall into place more easily. You can work on this recovery program by following the steps in the book, seeking treatment from a trained professional, or by attending an upcoming workshop where we will work through the steps to recovery together.
Second, it is important to recognize your value system. If you are constantly guided by guilt or “self-blame,” you will not necessarily make good decisions or be a considerate caregiver. The important thing to remember here is that if your parent has limitations in empathy and is not capable of love, it does not mean you cannot love. Maybe you had an influential grandparent or other adult guiding you. Maybe you did your own thing. Knowing how to love is more important than being loved! When we know how to love, we can make decisions based on our own values that feel good to us, even though we may be giving to someone who has not been able to reciprocate. Although this may seem counterintuitive, it makes sense in practice. When we work on our own healing that includes self-actualization and gentle inner compassion, we are better able to give what we feel is right for us. We learn to do this through good self-care and appropriate boundaries. It’s no longer a matter of an eye for an eye. It’s about following your heart.
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However, there are some adult children who were raised by toxic parents to the point that they were unable to be around them or take care of them. This is also good self-care. But it is a very individual decision and must be made after recovery steps have been taken and adopted. Each of us knows what is right for us when we take the time to work on our recovery. We cannot judge another’s path. I know many people who have had to make the decision to completely separate from their birth family, and for good reason.
