the main points

Some narcissists use passive-aggressive tactics as a primary means of meeting their selfish needs.
Passive-aggressive narcissists tend to become covertly hostile when they don’t get what they want, no matter how unreasonable it may seem.
Blaming others for their irresponsibility, neglect, or failures may be a sign of a passive-aggressive narcissist.

“When my husband feels uncared for, he makes everything difficult, while saying nothing is wrong.” -unknown

“My colleague’s favorite tactic when she’s not getting her way is to take twice as long to get anything done.” -unknown

“My partner deals with our relationship issues through avoidance, neglect, and blame.” -unknown

The Mayo Clinic Research Group defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior to others and care little about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies Fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Passive aggression can be defined as anger, hostility, and/or learned helplessness in disguise, expressed in covert ways in order to “settle the score” and gain an underhanded advantage.

While many narcissists appear overtly arrogant and outwardly intrusive, some narcissists use passive-aggressive tactics as their primary method of satisfying their selfish needs or “punishment” those who fail to satisfy their whims.

It is important to note that not all passive-aggressive individuals are narcissists. What characterizes a passive-aggressive narcissist is their compelling sense of superiority, vanity, and entitlement. They tend to become secretly hostile when they don’t get their way, no matter how unreasonable it may seem. If the world does not revolve around them (as they believe they deserve), they will devise many sabotage schemes to make the lives of those around them miserable.

How do you know when you might be dealing with a passive-aggressive narcissist? Here are seven telltale signs, with references from my books, How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists and How to Successfully Deal with Passive-Aggressive People. When a passive-aggressive narcissist does not get his way, he is likely to incite one or more of the following crimes, while remaining unaware (or unconcerned) of how his behavior affects others.

1. Disguised verbal hostility

Examples: negative gossip. Negative orientation. Habitual criticism of ideas, circumstances and expectations. Address adults like children. – Invalidating the experiences and feelings of others.

Possible intention(s): To belittle others to feel dominant and superior. Making others feel inadequate and insecure to relieve their feelings of inferiority. Seeking a false sense of importance through constant criticism. Spreading our misery consciously or unconsciously (misery loves company). Competition for power and control in a relationship.

2. Disguised hostile humor

Examples: Sarcasm. Veiled hostile banter – often followed by “just kidding.” Frequent teasing. Subtle “holes” in a person’s appearance, gender, social and cultural background, credentials, behaviour, decisions, social relationships, etc.

Possible Intent(s): Expressing hidden anger, disapproval, or rejection towards an individual. Showing disdain towards an individual for what he or she represents. Using humor as a weapon in an attempt to marginalize the humanity, dignity, and credibility of others.

3. Disguised relational hostility

Examples: The silent treatment. The invisible cure. Social exclusion. Neglect. Sullen dissatisfaction. Indirectly harming something or someone of importance to the targeted person.

Possible intention(s): Expressing anger or resentment. Activate secret punishment. Intentionally creating a negative and disturbing environment. Putting the intended recipient out of balance. Trying to create a state of insecurity.

4. Blame

It’s your fault that I forgot because you didn’t remind me.” -Anonymous

Examples: Blaming others for irresponsibility, negligence, or failure. Blaming others for one’s unwillingness to follow reasonable rules, social norms, or professional behavior.

Possible intention(s): distorting and deceiving the truth. Avoid responsibility. Manipulating the facts of the case. Distortion of perception to facilitate persuasion and control. feeling guilty. Mind manipulation. Misdirection to take focus away from the real issue.

5. Procrastination

Examples: procrastination. Forgetting. Procrastination. Withholding resources or information. Bureaucracy and unnecessary bureaucracy. Making an excuse. Broken agreements. Not following up.

Possible intention(s): Avoidance of responsibility, duty and obligations. Maintain power and control by having many hoops to jump through. Making life more difficult for others through negative competition. Intentionally hindering the success of others. Feeling jealous of others’ success.

6. Secret resistance

Examples: stubbornness. Arrogance. Inefficiency, complexity, incompleteness or destruction of the task.

Possible intention(s): Power struggle. Passive combat. “Victory” is achieved through the frustrated efforts and negative emotions of the recipient.

7. Deceptive sabotage

Examples: Intentionally undermining tasks, projects, activities, deadlines, or agreements. Causing damage or material loss. Overspending. Destroying positive chemistry on a personal, social or professional level. Intentionally disclosing harmful information. Intentionally obstructing communications and endeavors.

Possible intention(s): Covert expression of anger, hostility, and resentment toward an individual, group, or organization. Channeling unspoken complaints or unresolved past issues. Personal, social or professional jealousy. Administer punishment or revenge skillfully.

Can a passive-aggressive narcissist change for the better? maybe. But only if he or she is highly aware and willing to go through the courageous process of self-discovery. For passive-aggressive narcissists who are no longer willing to play the charade at the expense of real relationships and authenticity, there are ways to break free from falsehood and gradually move toward a higher self. For those living or working with passive-aggressive narcissists, awareness and assertive communication are essential to establishing healthy relationships based on mutual respect. See references below.