Narcissists live by an attention-hungry, image-driven code. Decode them and you may find the narcissists in your life less mysterious and more manageable.
The boasting, contempt, fickleness, suspicion, and deceit that characterize many narcissists tend to be driven by seven principles. These principles, which act as an “operating system” for people with narcissism, are largely instinctive and often unconscious:
- Image is everything.
Narcissists will do anything to look good. They will also distract themselves or lash out at anything that threatens to make them look bad.
This is one reason why narcissists have extreme reactions to feeling insulted. They assume that others must be so impressed and in awe of them that no one can fail to admire or defer to them. When narcissists feel ignored or uncared for, their ideal selves come into question. This raises the fear that perhaps they are not beautiful or superior.
Image cultivation is why narcissists rarely apologize or admit they are wrong. Instead of seeing apologizing or admitting a mistake as a sign of strength, narcissists believe that doing so shows weakness. If they admit their mistake, they fear it will lead others to wonder what the narcissist might be wrong about.
- Attention is necessary.
Attention is the drug of choice for narcissists. When narcissists feel listened to, admired, or the center of attention, they feel expansive. When interest is scarce, they develop withdrawal symptoms: irritability, depressed mood, and an intense hunger for the next fix.
Attention saves narcissists from their psychological abyss. Eyes and ears on them provide proof that they are special and worthy. Many adult children or spouses of a narcissist can recall watching their narcissist huff at the attention.
- Honesty is optional.
Narcissists inhabit an alternate reality in which being right is more important than being honest. Expediency, not authenticity, rules narcissists.
Narcissists can seem incredibly convincing. This is because they fall in love with their own words, ignore self-doubt and avoid introspection.
If narcissists were to be completely transparent about how they deal with the truth, they might admit something like the following:
“The truth is malleable. This is all I’m saying at the moment and I’ll change it when it suits me. Speaking with absolute confidence makes me feel powerful and superior. Plus, it often convinces others.”
- Danger is everywhere.
It’s hard to overstate how bad many narcissists feel in their own skin. They may not show it — in fact, narcissists often act as if the world is their oyster — but deep down, narcissists believe that others want to humiliate or beat them.
Because narcissists see danger everywhere, they rarely seek open communication or mutual relationships. Narcissists’ relationships are parasitic, not symbiotic.
Imagine what it would be like to live life lacking the repertoire that most of us use to communicate and collaborate. What would it be like to rarely allow yourself to ask for help or show weakness? What if you could never allow yourself to express sadness, loneliness, or fear? These are the ways we connect with others, soften our hearts and fight feelings of isolation.
Lacking an internal compass, many narcissists define themselves through opposition. Only by opposing another person do they feel real.
- Consistency is overrated.
Driven by emotion and motivation, many narcissists see whatever catches their attention at the moment as the top priority. When they are threatened or threatened, they tend not to think about the long-term consequences of their actions. Their internal reality can change very quickly, and it may be difficult for them to remember or refer to what they said an hour ago or the day before.
Although this changeability is unsettling to those around them, narcissists may view their varying temperaments as a valuable weapon because it keeps others guessing.
- Introspection is unnecessary
Narcissists generally don’t want to know why they behave the way they do. Introspection causes discomfort because it may reveal flaws or shame at the core of the narcissistic personality structure. They also fear that self-reflection may distract them from getting what they want.
Narcissists’ lack of introspection makes it difficult for them to take responsibility for dysfunctional actions on their part. Without ownership of one’s actions, behavior is unlikely to change.
Ironically, although narcissists appear strong and confident, openness to contemplation is a true measure of strength and confidence.
- Winning is mandatory.
The defining characteristic that sets narcissists apart from most other people is a lack of empathy. Narcissists’ lives revolve around winning, generally at the expense of others.
The painful truth is that narcissists often want you to do what is best for them despite what it may cost you. Many narcissists believe that fairness or a win-win approach offers them little advantage. Instead, narcissists tend to focus on credit and blame, winning and losing, and who is up and down.
Narcissists often fail to realize how much they abuse others. If they realized that, they might not care. Some may even enjoy annoying others. Like an only child or a bored kid who makes fun of a younger sibling just to get a reaction, upsetting others can allow the narcissist to feel more powerful or energetic.
