Dealing with narcissists is a challenge that many highly sensitive people have to face. I have yet to hear of a fellow HSP who has not had to deal with a narcissistic relationship. But one of the hardest things about dealing with a narcissist is accepting that the person you love, who you thought loved you, is not a loving person after all.
Whether this person is your spouse, parent, or child, recognizing narcissistic traits in them can be very difficult and painful, especially when you have been in a relationship with them for a long time, if not your entire life. When a narcissist is a parent, you grow up believing that the kind of conditional, selfish love you receive is normal and it’s normal that you don’t question it. Thus, it is very common for children of narcissists to grow up attached to their narcissistic classmates, not because they like to be treated poorly, but because it is familiar to them. We’re all drawn to what’s familiar, whether it’s good for us or not.
Maybe the relationship with your narcissistic spouse didn’t start out badly. Narcissists are experts at getting what they want, so there may have been a lot of flattery and attention in the beginning, which slowly turned into a controlling and humiliating relationship that you felt guilty for creating and unable to leave.
But at some point, being belittled, blamed, criticized, and with a complete lack of empathy, support, and respect, starts to feel wrong. Even if you’ve been treated this way for a very long time, you somehow know that it doesn’t have to be this way.
Related : How to Survive Toxic Relationships at the Office
Facing the fact that your loved one is not who you thought they were, or even who you thought they should be, can be very difficult. After all, how could a mother not love her daughter? How can a husband always blame his wife? It is often easier to believe the lies a narcissist tells you, that you are the one making life difficult, that you are not doing a good enough job, that you are not trying hard enough. And so you continue to struggle, with the faith and hope that if you become the person they want you to be, everything will be okay, and that, in the end, you will be loved.
The problem with that plan is that it never works. You will never be enough for a narcissist because they always want more. And trying to be something for someone else will only erode your self-esteem even further. So, instead of getting the love you so desperately want, you work further and further away from it, all the while increasingly believing that you don’t really deserve it anyway because you’re doing such a lousy job. It is a path to self-destruction and years of loneliness.
So what is the solution? Awareness and acceptance. First, find out what’s really going on. Are any of your partner’s negative behaviors similar to your parents’ behavior? Do you feel attracted to people who have a sense of entitlement and feel compelled to obey their orders? It is very easy for highly sensitive people in particular to fall prey to the manipulative impulses of narcissists and feel guilty and depressed as a result. The key is understanding who you are dealing with. If you don’t feel good about yourself when you’re with someone, they’re probably not good for you. Trust your feelings. Trust your instincts. Highly sensitive people have the gift of intuition, so use it to help yourself.
If you think you are in a relationship with a narcissist, get out. If the narcissist is your mother or someone else you can’t completely remove from your life, accept them as they are. They won’t change. They don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. They think you are the problem. It’s easier to try to avoid facing the fact that this person will never give you what you need, but it will only fuel their fire and make you feel like a doormat. The alternative is acceptance, which is harder, but it works. Accept that they will never change. Accept that you will never get love from them. And accept that you deserve love and you can get it from someone else. love your self. And others will love you too.
