the main points
“Miniature narcissists” are on their way to disorder if intervention does not change their course.
Failure to develop certain abilities, such as empathy, indicates that a child may be at risk for narcissism.
The persistence of certain traits, such as selfishness, indicates that the child may be at risk for narcissism.
Make no mistake. Narcissism is on the rise. “It’s all about me” behaviors and values have become intertwined in many aspects of daily life. This creates stress, pushing all of us — including our children — toward narcissism and unhealthy relationships.
While pathological narcissism cannot be diagnosed until age 18, the tendencies and traits that presage it can be seen in younger children and adolescents. These “miniature narcissists,” or future narcissists (N2B), are on their way to developing a full-blown disorder.
Photo of youth at risk
Narcissists (N2B) grow up to remain selfish, entitled, and unempathetic adults. These children are often raised as little princes and princesses, believing that they are “better” than others and entitled to special treatment. They can be demanding and fickle, mean-spirited and aggressive, uncaring and manipulative.
Their lack of empathy hurts their ability to be good friends, they tend to “use” people, and they lack deep concern for the feelings of others. They are insensitive and selfish, largely focused on getting their own needs met regardless of the overall impact. These are young people who have not shed the undesirable and immature tendencies and traits associated with age-appropriate youthful narcissism.
“Miniature narcissists” come in a variety of sizes and shapes ranging from mildly disagreeable to irresistibly charming, from uncivilized and mean to practically perfect in every way. Regardless of their outward appearance, they all suffer from fundamental flaws in their character resulting from an unhealthy, often inflated self-concept, and an immature model of love and relationships.
Likewise, a lack of empathy is to be expected in a younger child—many four-year-olds have ignored their mothers’ selfless efforts to throw a fun birthday party—but the same lack of appreciation is not developmentally appropriate in a high school student. In short, there should be signs that the child is developing positively and progressively in the elementary, middle, and high school years.
Signs of narcissistic and non-narcissistic development in a child
The failure of certain abilities, such as empathy, to develop, and the failure of other traits, such as self-focus, may indicate that your child is not maturing in healthy ways.
Six Emerging Skills and Abilities
Important skills and abilities should develop and improve with age. Their presence indicates that the child is maturing in healthy, non-narcissistic ways, while their absence suggests that the child may be at risk for narcissism.
Empathy develops and becomes more sensitive, accommodating, and subtle with age.
Cooperation (and cooperative relationships) increase in frequency and complexity with age.
Realistic and appropriate self-esteem grows more stable and more differentiated with age.
More mature coping strategies develop with age.
Accuracy of perception and interpretation of information improves with age.
Respect for other people’s feelings increases with age.
Twelve tendencies and traits of fading
The number of defining tendencies and traits should decrease with maturity over the years. Progress in these areas is a positive sign, while failure to thrive indicates that the child may be at risk for narcissistic vulnerability.
Emotional swings should settle down with age.
Self-centeredness should diminish with age.
Deserving situations that require special treatment should decrease with age.
Angry or aggressive reactions to criticism, injustice, and disappointment should decrease with age.
The demand to “get what they want” should lessen with age.
The need to win or succeed without caring about other people’s feelings (i.e. who gets hurt in the process) should decrease with age.
Bullying behaviors (i.e. teasing, threatening, and scapegoating) should decrease with age.
Acting on information without regard to its impact on others should decline with age.
Blaming others for bad results or disappointments should decrease with age.
Preoccupation with meeting their own needs (i.e., concern for the needs of others) should diminish with age.
Envy should lessen with age.
The feeling of extraordinary self-worth should diminish with age.
As they grow and mature, children acquire a variety of skills and abilities during development. Every development is characterized by progression and regression, progression and regression.
However, the failure to develop or improve certain skills over long periods, as well as the failure of other tendencies and traits to reduce or decline over time, can indicate that the child is at risk of maintaining unwanted narcissism into adulthood.
Narcissistic continuity
Narcissism exists on a continuum that moves from health to illness. It looks like this:
Healthy narcissism → narcissistic tendencies → narcissistic traits → pathological narcissism
Dysfunctions and pathologies progress from “healthy narcissism” to “narcissistic tendencies” to “narcissistic traits” and eventually to “pathological narcissism,” which is formally diagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). When people refer to narcissists, they are generally referring to pathological narcissists in the adult world. Future narcissists (N2B) are actually “mini-narcissists” who are on the path to full-blown disruption if intervention does not change their course.
My forthcoming book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies for Raising a Selfless, Incompetent, and Compassionate Child, identifies early intervention by parents and professionals as crucial to resisting and changing these tendencies. Many narcissistic tendencies, if reinforced rather than reversed during childhood, become increasingly stable and dysfunctional over the formative childhood years.
Ultimately, the interplay of temperament and experience can create lasting personality traits, some of which are problematic. However, later on, those preexisting narcissistic traits, if not addressed or addressed, can lead to narcissistic personality disorder.
Changing the Child’s Narcissistic Trajectory
Parents and other influential adults have the power to encourage or discourage narcissism in a child by supporting the development of healthy personality structures. Structures that prevent narcissism in a child include a healthy self-concept, an effective ability to regulate emotions, perceptual skills and accurate information processing, and a mature model of love and relationships.
Narcissism in its pathological form, while not good for any of us, is a particular problem for children. When these “mini-narcissists” are fully grown, they cannot maintain satisfying relationships and miss out on opportunities for contentment, contentment, and happiness. Intervention to correct their developmental path before it is too late is possible and worthwhile.
