Well, here’s the deal. If you clicked on this article, there’s a good chance you’re in a relationship with an abusive narcissist, and you’re holding out hope that one day that will change.
Maybe you’re scanning the web for evidence that your narcissist isn’t as bad as that little voice inside you that sometimes tells you to accept them.
If you can find the right magic solution they will change and become the amazing person you know. You know this could happen, because they surely don’t mean it when they do the terrible things they do? Certainly no one would do that. And they must be completely unaware of what they’re doing… Does this sound familiar?
Well, the plain and shocking truth is that they mean it. Their actions are completely calculated. The narcissist intentionally abuses you.
While many say that people never change. I don’t think this is true. People can. They do all the time. But there are necessary conditions for this to happen. These are the awareness of the behavior they want to change, and the will to make it happen. This is how I know intention.
Likewise, intentionality also applies to identifying what I call evil acts. Whoever knows what is causing the harm and chooses to cause it intentionally is not excused in my book. A person who repeatedly chooses to cause harm is at least comfortable with his or her actions. They basically have no intention of changing.
This article is a big, fat fact check that the narcissist is acting from a place of intent. They make intentional choices to cause harm to feed your pain. The primary truth of these facts is revealed in their actions.
Stop making excuses for the narc now.
In the words of Maya Angelou: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Submission 1 – Your break
Let’s start by reminding you what causes narcissists to control and dominate you as a form of display. These driving forces support the need to devalue and belittle yourself.
All kinds of mind-warping strategies are used to achieve this: gaslighting, projection, smear campaigns, threats, exploitation, distortion of the truth or outright lying, meaningless circular arguments, slander and so on ad infinitum…
Why? Having power over you and making you feel “more than”, by making you feel “less than”. This is essential to their needs. Feeding on others is about reinforcing their beliefs that they are superior, which of course entails that all others are inferior.
Since you’re an amazing human being (otherwise why would they choose you as a resource if you weren’t!), it means they need to tear you down in order to feel superior. They do this systematically through their abuse. Stop for a moment and think about how you feel. small? invaluable? Unloved/unloved? Too flawed? crazy? So, it’s fair to say it works right?
Another motivation to break you down is that they want you to buy into the “more than”/”less than” dynamic. When you do this, it reinforces your dependence on them and thus their power over you.
At this point, you’re probably thinking “yeah, maybe that’s not true, but maybe my narc isn’t helping me, or it doesn’t mean that, I need to allow for those possibilities”… Let’s move on to the indisputable evidence.
Submission 2 – Hiding the truth
Figure A – Isolation
One common method of control is to isolate victims. This can be human, physical, emotional, psychological or mental. This is a classic tactic of the less outside resources you have available to you, the more you will rely on drugs to get by.
There are also other reasons, especially regarding your isolation from others. The narcissist fears that the people who care about you will notice the harmful effect the relationship is having on you.
They also fear that others will validate the situation which undermines the passionate work the narcissist has been doing in convincing you that it is all in your mind.
Moreover, they fear that others who are concerned will influence you by saying, “It’s not okay,” and you might run away.
The fear here is that you will get caught. Either by not saying more and walking away, or by others calling them out on their behavior.
Figure B – two sides
Likewise, a narcissist will show different faces, one when in public, and a secret face kept especially for you.
The secret face is the person stripped of the mask, the real person. This person uses you as a resource, fuels the process of losing yourself, and gets a reward every time your heart and soul break a little.
This is the person whose behavior you can no longer pretend is simply misinformed or unaware of. This is the person you are trying to excuse but can no longer do so.
In contrast, the person they become in public is the person you constantly hold on to that they can become, eliminating the monster who is abusing you.
This is the person who keeps you feeling hopeful because he shows you that he can be good, right? This is what you fell into when you were initially worshiped and idealized. Charming, smart, generous, attentive, kind, full of smiles and laughter – rainbows, lollipops, and unicorns are everywhere when this person is around.
Well, this person is still the “secret face” who gives you kicks. They just popped on their mask. They do it because it’s the perfect cover for what really lies underneath. This way, it’s hard to believe who you really are if you dare to share their secret.
Figures (a) and (b) show unequivocally that the narc knows they are abusing you, and they realize that this is unacceptable by normal standards of behavior. Hence the duplicity of hiding their behavior from strangers.
They know what they are doing is wrong. They know it is causing you harm. However, they choose to do it anyway. In addition to ensuring their ability to continue to do so for the foreseeable future by creating conditions that protect the truth from emerging and being exposed.
Submission 3 – The body does not lie
It is clear that the narcissist is a master of controlling you when you suffer from manipulation and devaluation of him and, to some extent, himself. Above is their ability to pick and choose which character they share, with whom, and when. There are some things within themselves that are beyond their control. One of these is the powerful truth of physical narratives.
Exhibit C – Joy in the pain of others
I point out evil again. Many argue that there is no such thing as evil, and that all people are essentially good. I will admit that I held and defended this belief most of my life until Satan looked me in the eye.
Those on the malignant end of the narcissistic spectrum and individuals with antisocial personality disorder (APD) will show you what they are like physically. The mismatch between words, actions, and behaviors extends to body language as well.
Two distinct signs are:
Sometimes when they hit the bullseye and deal you deep damage, you’ll notice them smiling. They may even let a laugh of delight slip away. Yes, these reactions are out of enjoyment in your pain.
The same applies when harm is done to others. When engaging in gossip, smear campaigns or hearing about other people’s true misfortune, you will notice that the narc is strangely lively and excited. The pain of others literally lights them up.
Individuals who get reward from other people’s misery are different from the rest of us. They won’t give up behaviors, because they like to be that way. This is actually what they live for.
Presentation 3 – In their own words
She will show no intention of changing at all. This would completely contradict all the beliefs and behaviors that make them individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They consider themselves superior, capable, special, talented, arrogant and entitled.
Using their own words, they will tell you all about themselves.
First, listen to the basic premise of all their devaluation strategies: “To be good enough for me, you have to change XYZ…”
Then listen more widely, the same opinion applies to everyone around them. No one is good enough. Everyone must change to be worthy of the narcissist in their not-so-humble opinion.
Finally, again, if you’re with a malignant narcissist or someone with BPD, they’ll come out and say it right away. “I love who and what I am. I know I will stop causing pain. I will never change.” TRUE. Believe it or not, I’ve heard those very words.
Why do they keep trying to refute what they proudly own?
‘Nav said.
You may still reject the psychological theory of narcissistic personality disorder, or their own testimony of who they are when they tell you what they are. In a way you need it because of the brainwashing that happened. Denial is a defense mechanism necessary for survival.
But isolating you, the public versus the privates, and the joy written on their bodies from your pain is unmistakable proof that the narc is fully aware that they are destroying you.
Can you really continue to forgive, excuse, and defend someone who realizes they are causing you harm, and intentionally chooses to do so?
These facts cannot be ignored*.
You have to accept that the narcissist is intentionally abusing you, and he won’t stop. You must let go of any remaining denial that things can work out if you stay with the narcissist.
Get out of survival mode and into recovery. It’s time to transfer all that wonderful hope, energy, commitment, unconditional love, and optimism to someone who deserves it: you.
Break the narcissistic bonds now and start nourishing your soul (see Why is it so hard to leave an abusive relationship with a narcissist? for more information on trauma bonding). Do this for you. Freedom and joy await you, but you must first free yourself by walking away.
Please share your thoughts or questions below about breaking through denial and seeing the narrative for what it is. Sharing and encouraging others is so essential to help us all on our journey to recovery.
*For those hungry for more shocking facts to help you out of denial, I highly recommend Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door.
In this book you will learn how to recognize who you should stay away from. Dr. Stout explains why malignant narcissists and those with antisocial personality disorder are the way they are.
It also provides clear details about the characteristics and warning signs of these dangerous people, so identifying those who cause pain is easy. This is quite an achievement considering they are so talented at hiding their true selves!
The language is easy to read, fascinating and very practical – a kind of “how to protect yourself guide”. This book has helped me a lot and had a huge impact on my own journey.
