Invalidation and narcissism go hand in hand. Have you ever felt invisible? Like you’re completely worthless and it doesn’t matter? If yes, then you know all too well the erasure that inevitably comes from narcissistic invalidation. It is the default modus operandi of pathological narcissists, underpinning all forms of abuse, whether physical, psychological, mental, or sexual. The effects are devastating and disempowering.
Nullification is used to slowly erase you. After all, when you are emptied of your identity, complete compliance with the narcissist’s demands is almost guaranteed. There is little left to fight with.
But…the fact that you’re reading this now means you’re not in a state of frustration. You’re still fighting for you.
In this battle to reclaim your life from narcissists, becoming more aware of when they abuse you releases you from the nightmare.
This article is the first installment in a two-part series on invalidation and narcissism. In this article we reveal why they do this, and how to spot it in action.
Keep your eyes open for Part Two, where the focus will shift to how this affects you, and how to protect yourself from addiction in the future through self-validation.
Definition of verification
As humans, we have basic needs, to be loved and to belong. These social needs are as important as other survival needs such as food, shelter, and safety.
Connecting with others and acceptance is the essence of belonging. Validation from others is an integral part of meeting these needs.
So, what is validation?
It is to be present and supportive of the experience of others, by acknowledging their thoughts and feelings without trying to change them.
When we are validated, we feel accepted by others and accept ourselves as well. We feel heard, seen and understood. In short, we feel valued.
But appreciating the emotional states of others depends on the ability to empathize.
Invalidation is a product of an absence of empathy and is therefore a natural space for the pathological narcissist to work from.
It is the act of denying, rejecting, minimizing, negatively judging, and/or ignoring your expressed experience, thoughts, actions, or emotions.
Invalidation can be overt as is typical of aggressive bullying tactics. He can also be secretive, subtle and cunning. Gaslighting is a prime example of how deception can be undone.
If you get a resounding “yes” when you feel invisible and worthless due to narc abuse, you know, from experience, how disenfranchised a lack of validation leaves you, and how important that is to your survival.
Unfortunately, the vulnerability this causes only amplifies the power of invalidation… which is exactly what the narcissist wants in order to get their needs met.
Let’s dig into this more…
Conceptualize narcissistic invalidation as a symptom
Once you understand the disturbed thinking that leads to a narcissist’s invalidation, you can begin to depersonalize this highly personal attack. Really will.
By seeing their mask, over time, you will realize that their tearing you apart has nothing to do with you as a person. Rather, it’s everything about them as a person.
Well let’s go…
To protect themselves from facing the truth of their true selves, the narcissist creates a mask, their “false self,” which is about being above reproach. Maintaining their fragile fantasy world depends on reinforcing beliefs that consider them “perfect.”
Disproving the truth of who they are without the mask is the motivation behind their existence.
This results in a constant lock on supply. For narcissists, this is validation.
However, unlike emotionally healthy people, the pathological narcissist’s version of validation does not hinge on acceptance and understanding. Letting go of things and people without having to change them is not something a narc can do.
Instead, validation (and by that I mean validation, your needs are completely irrelevant) is about controlling and manipulating you into giving them the amount of exposure they constantly crave.
Since supplies are essential to their survival, they will obtain them at any cost. The search for validation is the narcissist’s obsession.
This is how you play…
Narcissistic invalidation in action
denial
The thing is, being perfect isn’t a thing.
You and I know this, but the pathological narcissist cannot accept it.
It is therefore not surprising that the quest to prove the existence of such a mythical being is fraught with insurmountable difficulties.
To deal with these discomforts, during the genesis of their disorder, the pathological narcissist divided the world into two extremes: good and evil. Perfection and deep, irrevocable flaws. black and white.
This need to assign people, things, and events to one extreme due to the inability to intellectually integrate negative and positive qualities into a single entity, is referred to as splitting (for more on splitting, read From “Soulmate” to Worthless: What’s Behind the Narcissist’s 180? ).
The pathological narcissist clearly assigns himself to the all-good/perfect category. Those who confirm this view are valuable to the narc, and are often idealists.
However, anyone who does not support this view is dismissed, devalued, and labeled as “all bad.”
This stunted, polarized thinking of the pathological narcissist is actually quite simple once you decipher it (albeit completely illogical and disordered, of course).
It goes like this: Maintaining beliefs that you are always right and superior means that anyone who challenges those points, intentionally or unintentionally, is bound to be wrong and inferior.
Facts and logic play no role in this. The only thing that matters is canceling out your thoughts, feelings, and experiences (read Narcissism Word Salad: Stop Biting Now for an example of this in action).
They are devalued by invalidating you, which validates their elevated status to the disturbed narcissistic mind.
Unfounded contradiction reaches new heights in the world of the narcissist!
This is the basis of narcissistic invalidation.
In their minds, by denying anything, means you can’t catch them for denying who they really are.
Deception tactic
So, we establish the narcissists’ obsession with validating the false self, in order to deny the true self, as the driver of their compulsive behaviors (I know, it’s just talk!).
The thing is that while they are madly trying to protect themselves from reality, a level of awareness of their reality overshadows their existence.
This makes them extremely sensitive to anything that has the potential to highlight this matter. In addition to denying the truth, invalidation is used to exert and maintain control over you.
Anytime they feel doubt, you may be recognizing who they really are, by neutralizing you, your attention is diverted to refocusing on what is wrong with you.
It works every time until you become wise to their game.
It is so effective because through abuse, the narcissist has trained you to respond emotionally to any stimulus that targets your vulnerabilities. Programming is carried out for the purpose of derailing you, and diverting you when needed (read React vs. Respond: Overcoming the Legacy of Abuse and Narcissism to learn more about this and how to stop being their puppet).
See, this way they control you by avoiding accountability and silencing any potential threat to their fragile belief system. By emptying you, your experiences, thoughts, and emotions, they make the problem go away.
The ultimate red herring!
In doing so, they also erase everything that makes you you.
Discovering narcissistic invalidity
So, now we are clear why invalidation and narcissism go hand in hand, let’s check out the examples so you can pause and evaluate when this is happening, and learn how to disengage from their abuse and thus neutralize its impact (for more information on how to do this) read “Emotionally Disengaging” Starving the narcissist of supply: Here’s how.
A glaring example is the narcissistic abuse cycle where the narcissist shows heightened awareness of how he or she is deliberately applying validation, the opposite, to manipulate you (for more on narcissists’ intent, read Evidence That Narcissists Will Intentionally Abuse You and Will Never Change).
During idealism when you were love bombed to associate yourself with being a reliable source of supply, it was all about validation. To successfully attract you into a relationship, the narc places a strong emphasis on making you feel acknowledged, valued, heard, cared for, accepted, and understood.
Throw in devaluation and get rid of it, and the reversal has occurred (more on this under From “Soulmate” to Worthless). Validation is removed, which is no longer needed once you become addicted to it. Invalidation becomes the norm to break down your power and identity so that you remain dependent and compliant as a source of supply. Now you are relentlessly faced with:
Arguments about everything you express seemingly stating that you are illogical, your point of view is unfounded and invalid, and perhaps even crazy regardless of the facts
Rejection, ignoring, and/or your needs, thoughts, and emotions are ignored
Judgments that you are defective in some way
In each of these scenarios you can see how effective denial and diversion can be.
The bottom line in all of this is that you are wrong and they are right. And that you are flawed and worthless.
Digging deeper, you know these tactics are used when you hear things like:
You shouldn’t feel this way
You are overreacting/too sensitive
You take things seriously
You’re wrong, that’s not what you feel, that’s what you feel…
You have no right to feel this way
I never said that/That never happened/It’s all in your head
It wasn’t that bad/could be worse
You have things that are much better than others
You should be grateful for everything I do for you
No one agrees with you/has a problem with that
There’s something wrong with you/You’ve got big problems/You’re crazy
Get over it already
I won’t talk to you about this
On the contrary…you can’t hear anything at all. Cockroaches.
However, body language and silence are equally powerful in denying your worth, and are arguably more effective than carefully chosen toxic words (learn about this in No Contact vs. The Silent Treatment of Narcissists and Ghosting: The Differences).
When we understand it
Ultimately, narcissistic invalidation serves to communicate that your value only exists in the context of the narc’s own needs. Any incompatibility with this is not permitted.
Devastatingly, you are punished with invalidation with conditions that you must abide by by suppressing everything that makes you you.
When your needs, thoughts, experiences, and emotions are emptied out and replaced by the needs of the narc, you have effectively been erased.
Know that even if you already feel somewhat transparent, you can reclaim all that is you.
You can do this by practicing building awareness of their abuse and disengaging from it using the tools provided in the links.
You wonderful people, don’t let yourself go. Keep fighting for yourself.
The world needs you in it. She needs you in it.
