Are you at the beginning of your journey of recovery from narcissistic abuse? Are you learning all about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and dealing with the abuse you experienced? If so, you are probably waking up to the ugly truth of the matter: what a pathological narcissist is, and what he is capable of. The question “what happens when a narcissist knows you have got him” is a question that comes to your mind.
It is understandable (and very necessary…), with these realizations, that the desire to free yourself grows within you. Equally plausibly, given the nature of the disorder, you may feel nervous, anxious and perhaps even afraid of what will happen when they find out you are dealing with them.
Pathological narcissism exists on a spectrum, with a variety of different profiles spanning the continuum, including overt, covert, malignant, and sociopathy.
Specifically, how each one reacts when they learn you’ve discovered it is different. But there are commonalities.
In preparation for freeing yourself, this article shows you the possible responses of a narc.
The mind of the bully
Understanding what fuels the pathological narcissist is the closest a non-disordered individual can come to following the irrational thought processes that drive his behavior.
Let’s set the scene and try to draw this in terms of what happens when they sprout.
When your relationships are built on connection and genuine care for those you choose to surround yourself with, this is not the case for a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Narc people are objects that serve the distinct purpose of feeding their beliefs about a fantasy land they have created in which they control themselves as supreme, omnipotent, special, and perfect beings.
This need makes them virtually addicted to securing endorsements that support these beliefs, hence the term “supply.”
The narc’s addiction is the reliance on this external reinforcement upon which their false self-beliefs are based in reality, in order to keep knowledge of their true selves out of reach.
As with any addiction, withdrawal has major repercussions for the sufferer. It is centered around the belief that without meeting ‘supply’ needs, survival is at risk.
So it’s no surprise that, faced with the inability to record their success, your show, the narc’s darker sides take over.
Turning point in narc
Most of the time, their denial is (almost) bulletproof and successfully protects them from their terrible truth. It is (almost) inconceivable for them to have flaws. This is evident in all the blame you place on the policeman for his actions and behaviors, projection, denial of irrefutable facts, etc.
The construct of the disorder is that conscious awareness of feeling threatened is rare. A critical weakness for a narc is generally the peak of circumstances that occurs when:
You are still useful to them as a resource, so they are not yet planning to get rid of you. In other words, feeding their addiction is at risk.
They do not realize that despite their best efforts to guide you into complete submission, you have retained some of your independence, clarity of thought, self-confidence, the ability to question the reality they create for you, and the desire to be happy. This break in their control over you severely challenges their self-concept.
And you have done something that pierces their armor enough to threaten their false perceptions of greatness, superiority, entitlement, and/or power (aka narcissistic injury). This would be anything that communicates to them that they are not in control, for example, discovering that you have raised your concerns about them with someone else; Failure to comply with their directions and do your own thing; Exposing them to their disturbed behavior in an open manner, etc.
So, what happens when a narc knows you’ve discovered them?
Authority and power
The only way a pathological narcissist knows how to regain his inner balance and return to feeling safe in his fantasy world is to re-impose his control and power over you.
This is what they will do in a state of mania and madness, because “their lives somehow depend on it.”
Control and power for a narcissist always involves proving you wrong. To their way of thinking, if they prove it to themselves, they also nullify the threat it poses to their false selves. (For more on the importance of your invalidation, read Invalidation and Narcissism: Why They’re Slowly Erasing You.)
Remember that for a narc, flaws/mistakes/mistakes cannot be integrated into their view that one is due to division (see the Narc-wise dictionary for any terminology refresher). You can either be all good, or all evil. Well, or it’s all wrong.
Asserting that you are “wrong” in any section is sufficient to cover all bases, including your doubts about it.
By invalidating you and your opinions, they are regaining control over you. And finally control themselves. The threat you presented has been eliminated.
Amplify their “go to” styles
As mentioned, there are different flavors of narcissism. As does the preferred way of working.
Some are fans of aggressive physical/verbal violence and bullying; Others are the “poor victim” approach; Some of them are extraordinary gaslighters who subtly and consistently break your confidence; Some people believe that they are, above all, the greatest donors and lovers in the world.
Whatever their basic orientation, expect it to be amplified. They will use whatever is their strength, at full speed.
Their narcotic mechanisms are predictable when they feel threatened
- Narcissistic anger
This is anger and vitriol like you have never experienced before. It is the outward manifestation of the narcissistic inner circle. Their complete inability to deal with the truth of who they are.
It is the rage that is ignited by the revelation that he is weak, out of control, and lying. Their glimpses of what lies beneath their denial and their momentary understanding that they are deeply flawed. It’s a snapshot into understanding what they spend their lives obsessively hiding from.
In the moment of narcissistic rage, they are completely out of control. This does not mean being “out of control” with regard to intent and awareness of actions and behaviors, and therefore responsibility. This means “out of control” in terms of consequences.
The expression of their anger will vary, but the greater the narcissistic injury, the greater the reaction, which may be verbal or physically aggressive.
- Cruelty
After the narcissistic rage, there is a return to manipulation and calculated abuse. It is a return from being out of control to full control and awareness of all actions and behaviors.
The malignancy that the pathological narcissist is capable of creating, and which you encounter in some form regularly throughout the period of devaluation, has been fully unleashed at this point.
Not only to teach you a lesson about who has power and control over you, but to punish you. To cause harm. Because in their minds a) they have the right to do it, and b) you deserve it.
So what does this cruelty look like? Again, this will depend on the flavor and orientation of the narcissist.
Common strategies that take advantage of the knowledge they have about you based on the vulnerabilities you’ve shared with them are:
Baiting – deliberately provoking and provoking you into responding negatively by poking into your deepest wounds.
Gaslighting – Intensifying efforts to make you question your sense of reality and mental health (for more on this strategy, read 5 Ways to Counter Gaslighting from a Narcissist).
Blocking/Procrastination – Removing your access to the information or emotional or physical resources you depend on or value most. Being denied access to children without good reason, isolated from emotional/social support, and financial abuse are all examples.
Smear campaigns – spreading false information and gossip, to discredit, undermine, control and isolate you further (for more information on smear campaigns and how to address them, read Narcissists and Smear Campaigns: Why They Do It and What Can Be Done to Stop a Narcissistic Smear Campaign).
- Hoover
If the narcissist believes that there is still potential for him to brainwash you again and return you to his fantasy world, and that you retain some benefit as a supply, levitation will have a powerful effect. These are all strategies used to suck you back.
Again, using all the knowledge they have about you, and activating the triggers they have programmed into you through their abuse, you can expect:
Love Bombing – You are bombarded with feelings of love, promises of a future emotionally healthy relationship that awaits you and changes to come.
Faking it — which often accompanies love bombing, if the narcissist deems it necessary for the purpose of intrusion — is “sorry not sorry.” An apology that is devoid of honesty, accountability, or empathy, yet is deployed like bombshell love letters to give you what you want to hear (for more on lying, read The Narcissist’s Apology: Sorry, Not Sorry).
Using Fear, Guilt, and Commitment – Designing appeals and demands to stimulate your deepest wounds, eliciting predetermined reactions to pull you back. These reactions may sound like, “How could you do this to me, after everything you’ve done for me.” You,” or “No one will ever love you like I do,” etc.
Don’t be fooled by a wonderful person.
These are arguably the most difficult to sustain because they target what you want most and what you fear most. This is exactly why they are used on you.
You are not a doll. Cut those chains now.
(For more on these tactics, read How a Narcissist Attracts You: Drifting and Trapping.)
- Ignore
On the other hand, if the narc personalities has their game over and no longer represents benefit as a resource, the final stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle will be instigated: ignoring.
This is a follow-up to all the threats implicit during devaluation that are beginning to come to fruition. It is your harsh rejection and abandonment, devoid of any closure.
In most cases, the narcissist will already have alternative supplies. These are often condensed before elimination to ensure you are aware of fungibility as an additional penalty.
To learn more about the stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle, read From “Soulmate” to Worthless: What’s Behind the Narcissist’s 180? & The “Soulmate” Effect of Narcissists: How and Why They Do It.
What to do about it when the narc learns you’ve discovered it
Many of the abusive tactics mentioned are, as you know, present throughout a relationship with an abusive narcissist.
When applied once the narc knows you’ve recognized him, the difference is that he no longer has anything to lose. Specifically, your presentation. Which leads to a “no ban”, where the devil does, kind of situation.
This may instill in you the fear of God. Obviously this is not without foundation.
Great, please don’t take the possibilities of what might happen and potential fear as an excuse for staying in the situation you are in.
Remember that fear, and the countless other negative consequences to your well-being and your entire life outcome, that you endure from the narcissist’s abuse, are the triggers you must break free of.
you are not alone. There is help.
If you need support in preparing to leave your abusive situation, reach out to local domestic violence service providers or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for referrals and to develop a safety plan.
For support regarding self-harm or suicide, please contact your local suicide prevention service. For services near you, please refer to resources provided by the International Association for Suicide Prevention.
If at any time you fear that you or anyone else may be in imminent danger, contact emergency services immediately.
Great, you got this. A thousand times. I’ve got this.
Wake up from this nightmare. Bring. Plan. And free yourself.
