One of the hardest things to consider when you find yourself on the other side of a narcissistic relationship is: “Why did you stay for so long?”

Even though I didn’t understand throughout the relationship that I was actually being abused, I knew I was unhappy. I felt too ashamed to put up with much of my husband’s behavior, so I justified it (often only to myself).

I was very hard on myself for staying with the narcissist for so long, even knowing that I didn’t love him anymore.

[Full disclosure – I didn’t understand he was a narc until after I left].

Then to find out who he really was and that the entire relationship was built on lies and manipulation, I felt sick that I had given so much of myself to someone who never deserved it.

Why Did I Stay With a Narcissist?

Financial Reasons

First and foremost, I was a stay-at-home mom. I haven’t worked since before I had baby #1. I didn’t have a career to go back to and being with my kids was my first priority.

The thought of having to put the kids in childcare and rushing to work, on top of coming home to take care of the house, made me extremely stressed.

Eventually, I learned that even if I was working, my husband would still expect me to be a full-time stay-at-home mom, too. He had no intention of helping with childcare, cleaning, cooking or daily chores.

I knew I would run harder on the treadmill without any extra help and that I would run by myself on the floor.

So, how exactly will I be able to support myself and my children after being out of the workforce for so long if I leave an unhappy relationship?

Funny enough, my husband didn’t want me to work. Why? Because then he wouldn’t be able to control me and use it as a manipulation tactic.

He regularly reminded me that he was the one who went to work and got the money.

“You have all week to do whatever you want, the weekend is my time.”

“I’m the one making the money, and I deserve…[insert what he feels entitled to].”

“I’ve been at work all day and I can’t even come home and have a conversation with my wife without the kids interrupting me!”

“I worked my ass off for it.”

“I’ve been at work all day while you’ve been relaxing at home.”

“I’m the one who actually works.”

“I’m not saying you don’t do anything, but…”

“I sacrificed my time with my family so you could stay home.”

“I thought my wife would want to have sex with her husband after a hard day’s work.”

“Oh are you tired?! What about me? I’m the one who has to get up and go to work!”

“Why do the kids eat dinner first? I’m the one paying for it.”

Many times over the years we’d get stressed out or argue about money and I’d say, “I’m going to go get some work. Maybe I can pick up some hours at the local grocery store.”

His answer was always the same: “No, I don’t need to work. I like that you’re home with the kids. We’ll be fine.”

Yet the devaluing comments on how he worked and I didn’t still continued to flow.

Every time I brought up his criticism about my lack of work (because you know raising kids and keeping a house wasn’t considered “work” in his books), he flipped the script. “I know how much you do at home. I like it when you’re home and I don’t have to do anything. I’m only kidding when I say these things.”

As always with a narcissist, the words were empty, no matter how sincere they seemed. He never made any effort to stop belittling me and continued to make me feel like I was never enough.

The next reason I stayed with a narcissist was the children. Crazy, I know.

Logistically, it would have been much easier to leave if it had just been me. I could have bumped into a family member or friend for a while until I could get a place of my own. I wouldn’t have been a stay-at-home mom either, so I could have earned an income.

But more than that, you undoubtedly feel more connected to someone when you have children with them. This is probably one of the reasons why narcissists have children in the first place. Besides the fact that it makes them feel more “successful” and “accomplished” because they have achieved another social achievement.

I think there was also a part of me that didn’t want to break up the family unit unless I had a very good reason to.

Being mentally and emotionally abused is definitely a great reason to leave. The problem is that when you’re in a narcissistic relationship with a secret drug dealer, you rarely recognize the abuse until you actually get out of it.

In the end, I had to leave because of the children.

I didn’t want girls to grow up thinking that this is how they deserve to be treated by a man. I didn’t want the boys to grow up thinking that’s how women are treated.

Above all, I wanted to teach the kids that if you’re not happy, you don’t need to stay.

Low Self-worth

The biggest reason I stayed with a narcissist for so long (20 years) was because of low self-esteem.

I honestly thought, “Well, I guess this is the best thing that can happen to me in this life.” I look back now and I can see how damaging this line of thinking is to a person.

It’s the ultimate energy of “I give up” and “This is all I deserve.”

Because my mother is also a narcissist, I entered adulthood with a low sense of self. I was truly doomed to end up with a narcissist.

I had already been groomed throughout my childhood to accept gaslighting and complete selfishness from those who were supposed to love me.

My thought of, “Okay, I guess this is all I have,” really pushed me into the mindset of achieving my best…

Until I finally got to the point where I was working so hard, just trying to prove that I was enough (which I never was for a narcissist), and I was burning myself out every couple of weeks.

I couldn’t continue on this path when I was only 42, otherwise I never would have been able to.