Understanding the causes of narcissistic personality disorder is as complex as the human mind. However, we can draw it from one basic emotional wound, caused by one basic flaw; Ashamed of not being seen.
Some children grow up in a cold and grandiose environment, with a controlling parent constantly pushing them to achieve more and achieve more. Usually the parent himself suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, driven by an unquenchable thirst for more; More prestige, more money, more attention and more esteem, and their children are forced to share in this faith.
Growing up in such a shameful environment stifles a child’s authenticity and increases the chances of him developing narcissism. But the question remains: Where did this thirst come from?
Shame and Trauma: The Cause and Essence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
One of the most painful and insidious wounds a child can have is not being seen.
To see is to be appreciated. Every child longs for recognition and validation from their parent’s loving gaze. It is an urgent need to regulate self-esteem, as well as a sense of security and belonging.
By seeing and accepting him as he is, the child feels validated and validated, and can relax and enjoy the childhood experience. There is no need to show off or act out, the child feels ‘special enough’.
However, neglectful parents are often too detached, distracted, depressed, or emotionally unstable to see the child. Their ancestors may have lived through conflict or war, where survival and stability were a higher priority than emotional well-being. Trauma passed down from generation to generation can infect a family, passed down through behavioral patterns, belief systems, addictions, and even DNA. This causes the system to malfunction and become like the air a family breathes.
If the child expresses his anger in protest at this painful situation, he is usually counterattacked and forced to suppress his anger.
Lacking the ability to show up, the child eventually concludes that he simply isn’t worth it. They were tormented by an excruciating feeling of their own inferiority, worthlessness and, of course, shame.
By angrily seeking attention and feeling connected to others, the child can feel a sense of control and power. Alternatively, if a child is denied their right to be seen, they reach a point where they cannot bear the shame.
Loss of control
For a child, the causes of parental abuse and neglect mean nothing. A happy, loving parent is good, and an emotionally dead or angry parent is bad. The child has no hope of understanding the flaw in his situation.
When a vulnerable child is neglected by a parent, the child experiences an impending dread of abandonment. When the parent attacks the child or grossly violates their boundaries, the child is traumatized and eventually overwhelmed with toxic shame.
Both forms of abuse threaten the child with annihilation; One is death by desertion, and the other is death by attack. In both cases, the foundations of the child collapse as a result of the psychological earthquake.
Devastated and losing all control, they strive to take it back – whatever the cost. The solution for the child is to separate from reality, numb his emotions, and retreat to fantasy. This coping mechanism is the first line of defense that the child must regain a sense of control over.
And by escaping into his own mind, the child can evoke an imaginary sense of connection and power.
Wrestling Back control
It is in the nature of trauma that even when the original situation is gone, the fear generated by the threat remains in the body. Unless this original wound is decompressed and quickly released, it remains in place, and the mind builds around it.
Meanwhile, the child moves on with life’s challenges, even as paranoia plagues all of his experiences. This makes them less likely to trust others, as they are always looking through the lens of trauma. Add to this a series of experiences of shame, linked to trauma, and you have the perfect cocktail of detached personality.
With trauma and shame consuming a child, it takes little for them to realize that helplessness leads to terror, and to regain strength in any way that mitigate it.
As they grow, they scramble to develop ways to control their environment. They get their chance during the narcissistic phase, where the imagining of the self as superior crystallizes into a false grandiose self; Building detached from reality.
The narcissistic solution
As the wounded, thinking child’s mind emerges, a new imagined “self” forms over the traumatized child, bringing with it the child’s ability to influence his environment and manipulate his mood.
The child finds that imagining this emerging self as strong compensates for feelings of shame and worthlessness.
In fact, the child divides himself in two, commits himself entirely to his “good child”, and gets rid of the “bad child” based on shame. They then reinforce their ideal grand self by experimenting with controlling the people around them to prove their superiority. .
You can see this “superior” self in action when a child:
Constantly asking for approval.
Bullies other children.
Compulsively lies and creates imaginary stories.
Deflects questions from adults to avoid accountability.
He tries to gradually push boundaries by misbehaving in secret ways.
In each case, the child acts in accordance with what he imagines himself to be “omnipotent.”
In the face of shame, there is usually limited integration of the true self into the ego, because its experience is so painful. By living through his shiny new false self instead, the child loses touch with guilt, empathy, and shame. Their world becomes abstract, a projection of their imagination.
Goodbye cruel world
The worse the trauma, the more urgent and absolute this false self is. The child may practice isolating himself around family members, hoping to stay under the radar. They also find that their innocence disarms adults, and so they may overdo it by being charming and obedient.
They incorporate these behaviors into their personality and use them as tools to distract themselves and others from their traumatized and shamed selves.
But the price they pay for this solution is exorbitant. And in order to find a mind, they sell their souls.
The child abandons his need for security and love, and instead directs his energy toward preserving his great false self. The real self remains buried, and a pale imitation takes its place; A set of behaviors that make up personality and aim to gain cooperation through deception, manipulation, and control.
Instead of true contact, the child enters the realm of power; A world where they pull the strings. This false reality exists in its own bubble, and requires others to engage and nurture it to keep it alive.
The unwavering false self
Although the child has magical thinking at first, he usually gets a chance to test his fantasies against reality and temper his delusions.
For a traumatized child, reality is terrifying and painful. Great fantasies are all they have to numb their trauma. Ultimately, a disguised and coherent false self develops as the child moves into adulthood.
With a dense and rigid mind, there is no space for the true self to express itself, depriving the child of the experiences necessary for true growth and maturity. Peeling back the layers of this false self exposes the child to a torrent of painful emotional memories.
The more convincing someone’s false self is, the harder it is to challenge it. People cannot see that under the façade of the traumatized child, they remain eternally alert, always on guard, and unable to create a foundation for true mutually beneficial relationships.
What perpetuates this unshakable false self and keeps it functioning well into adulthood is the following:
It exists outside the child’s awareness, and
Maintains the child’s mental integrity, along with his psychological health.
The false self is an integral part of the child, and no matter how clever and resourceful they become, their essence remains the same. Challenging this false self is tantamount to provoking the child’s mask, which for him is what allowed him to survive the grief, neglect, and horror of childhood.
The importance of intimacy
Being intimate with someone means really seeing them. They are not only present with you, but open-hearted. You feel safe expressing your thoughts, emotions, and doubts to them. Your significant other looks at you with love, and is pleased not only with who you are, but also with the fact that you are.
This kind of emotional resonance generates confidence and strength in the child. The more intimacy you receive, the more secure you will feel in expanding your true self.
In short, intimacy is the absence of the ego.
Where the ego is a mental construct designed to filter a person’s experience and emotions, intimacy is the letting go of this protective layer. Such an act of faith allows humans to connect authentically, creating a sense of well-being, security, and compassion.
